Good evening, Sports Fans, and welcome to what promises to be the tournament's biggest, bruisiest and most bombastic battle yet!
I'm Beef Brokely and this is my colleague Rad Manstrong, and we'll be taking you through tonight's action, blow by bitter blow, as the Girder-hefting Gargantua from Gujarati goes up against the Girthy Glyptodon from Guadalajara (ok well he's from Tijuana, but a man's got to alliterate, ok?)
Rad: Look at the crowd out there, Beef - what a sea of humanity! I can feel the electricity in the air! the rain is pounding down in New York, but here inside the Madison Klein Bottle Garden Arena, it's as hot as hell.
Beef: And it's about to get hotter... here come the pyrotechnics!
Rad: Damn, that elephant knows how to make an entrance! Each of those maces of his must weigh as much as my ex-wife, and he's raising those puppies like they're Q-tips!
Beef: Looks like Luchadillo could use some tips of his own, Rad... tips on how not to get ruined by a massive six-limbed pachyderm with a head full of scotch....
Rad: I can't stand the tension, Beef.... look at those guys circling each other. I've never known a zoofight last more than 30 seconds without a vicious wound being inflicted, but these two hulks are just staring each other out.
Beef: I'm having a hard time believing it myself, friend. I think they're actually waiting for the bell!
Rad: And judging by the tension in Gadadhara's arms - not to mention those little lightning feints the armadillo keeps throwing - there's going to be some serious violence when that baby rings.
Beef: You know that 'Dillo's going to make the first strike... that big old head of Gad's is following his every move like a fakir's stretch lizard, but that lumbering old biffer's going to be a second too far behind the times when the real beef starts.
Rad: Guess it's time to find ou-
Beef: I blinked, and I think I missed it!
Rad: Who saw the elephant striking first? Those arms came down like a pair of lead torpedos falling into the centre of black hole! The Mexican's gotta be paste after that!
Beef: Looks like pretty happy paste to me, pal. The last time I saw some processed meat give me a thumbs-up like that was the last time I decided to have drugs for lunch.
Rad: Did you enjoy your lunch today?
Beef: Yes I did. But it looks like Gadadhara isn't enjoying what fate has served him one bit. How the hell did those maces bounce off that shell?
Rad: This just in, Beef old buddy - looks like Luchadillo got some last-minute upgrades from his semi-legal Barrio surgineers before the battle, and now has a shell laced with OSMIUM
Beef: Osmium? This changes everything. We don't even understand what its physical properties are, but it sure is heavy and it sure does stop maces...
Rad: Whatever Osmium does, it's definitely bought Luchadillo some time. The time he needs to deliver MORE PUNCHES THAN I CAN COUNT!
Beef: What a flurry! That barrage of bashes could take down a twelve-foot citadel of hypertermites!
Rad: It might well, Beef old chum, but there's a big difference between a bunch of flaccid, wood-chewing Isopterids and a bus-sized brute with a beer gut hardened by five thousand nights in the steelworker's taverns of the Bengal coast.
Beef: Good Grond, Rad, Gadadhara didn't feel a thing! He's actually laughing, and that's a laugh I don't ever want to hear again. Like a brass brand with lung cancer playing at the funeral of the world's most horrible clown.
Rad: I think the time for laughter's over - it's time to get down to business.
Beef: Did you see that? Gad's been working out! I cannot comprehend this - that armadillo's got a shell packed with hyperdense metals, and he just got lifted like a poor-quality stuffed toy.
Rad: we all knew Luchadillo was going to get some air tonight, but I don't think anyone saw it happening quite like this, quite so soon...
Beef: Looks like Luch has got an urgent appointment with Dr Turnbuckle, and I don't think his prognosis is going to be too rosy!
Rad: What the Flip, Beef - I Swear I just saw that ant-eatin' son of a bitch hit the turnbuckle square on.
Beef: So did I, Rad! I think he's using some kind of forbidden Mexican Fightscience - he just went and swung right round that thing. looks like he's coming back for more, too!
Rad: Gadadhara is not happy - there's an elephant that expects his opponents to respect Newtonian physics, not to mention causality. As usual though, I think he's going to do his talking with his maces...
Beef: If he can manage to get a decent hit on the armadillo, that is. He's going to need a head or a limb shot to do any damage with that mace, and Luchadillo's moving too damn quick for any kind of aiming.
Rad: In fact, he's already behind the pachyderm! Gadadhara, that is one wasted mace swipe.
Beef: And while the mace is stuck in the ring, the tail's gonna swing...
Rad: OH MY GAWD! He's pulling out the QUANTUM KNEE BUNGLER! I haven't seen that move used since Colloso-Quail took on Carp-A-Diem, the murderous Roman fish! It shouldn't even be possible!
Beef: Possible or not, it's got Gadadhara down on one knee, and I don't think he's looking to propose marriage.
Rad: Gad's hurting, beef, and he's still trying to get that sidearm out of the tungsten plating on the floor of the ring. I don't think he's even seen Luchadillo rushing over to the ropes.
Beef: Is he going to? Is he going to climb? Folks, you're about to see a couple of tons of central american bioengineering climb to the top rope and FLY!
Rad: OH SCHEISSE GADADHARA'S MORNIGN STAR IS MADE OF OSMIUM TOO! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Rad: Bam! Luchadillo's gonna fly alright... Fly STRAIGHT INTO THE COMMENTATOR'S DESK!
Rad: No time for explanations, Beef - Luchadillo is fighting for his life here! Frankly, I'm amazed his shell stood up to the force of that collision, and I don't think it's going to take much more of a pounding.
Beef: And a pounding's what he's getting - Gadadhara's dropped his weapons now, and is going at it with fists, tusks and whatever he can find in the ringside debris. Whoa, there goes my chair!
Rad: He's giving the Mexican hell, but for now the stone-handed streetfigter is giving as good as he gets - look at that sock to the jaw!
Beef: No doubt Luchadillo's fighting well, Rad, but he's stunned, and there's only so long he can stand this kind of punishment...
Rad: I think that's done it, Beef. A haymaker from one arm the size of an oak tree, I think he could have handled. Two? I don't think so.
Beef: That's what happens when you let industrialised Hindu Deities compete in wrestling matches, Rad.
Beef: For the first time in the amtch, there's no flashbulbs going off in the crowd. They're all saving their film for what looks like it'll be the slam of the tournament so far.
Rad: That's right Beef - I think we're about to see a Pinata the size of a VW Beetle get busted all over the front row's faces. Luch is out cold for real this time, and Gad is carrying him into the ring like a sack of tapir shit, ready for his signature move - the Gujarati Girder Drop.
Beef: I can see those arms raising, Rad, and every foot in the air that armadillo goes is another foot worth of fall that his Osmium shell is going to take out on his skeleton. Unconscious and limp as he is, he's going to crumple like a zeppelin full of pig liver hitting the floor of the grand canyon.
Rad: Say your prayers, you magnificent insect-munching bastard...
Rad: Wha- Huh? Did that claw just move, Beef?
Beef: More than that, Rad, IT JUST STABBED GADADHARA IN THE NECK! Luchadillo is STABBING IN HIS SLEEP!
Rad: And if that's not an album title, Beef, I don't know what is. Looks like that giraffe that Gad shanked all those years ago finally got his revenge! There's no justice like Barrio justice, eh?
Beef: More like old testament Justice, Rad - Luchadillo just scratched out Gadadhara's eye. At least he's got a matching set now. I guess he shouldn't have held the claws of a giant burrowing animal within six inches of his face.
Rad: What a way to learn that lesson. I can't bear to watch, but I have to - in the name of sports!
Beef: Gadadhara's taken a lot of things in his stride over the years, and didn't even flinch when he tore off his own tusk. But after a fight this long, the loss of his only remaining eye is enough to make him falter. His grip is looking shaky - if Luchadillo can pull himself together long enough to capitalise on this, he-
Rad: Looks like Luchadillo just pulled himself together.
Beef: DOWN! Never since I watched that hunchback go out to get groceries for Dracula have I ever seen someone so categorically OUT FOR THE COUNT!
Rad: It's over, with a spiked tail right to the bonce! Gad's been knocked out beyond the reach of a wet towel and a pep talk - those arms have gone as limp as microwaved slugs.
Beef: Who would have thought that Armadillo could catch so much air after such a slobberknocker of a fight? His team are going to be going crazy in the pits right now.
Rad: That's right Beef, it's gonna be termite burritos and ant-flavoured tequila til the sun rises! Ladies and Gentlemen.... LUCHADILLO WINS!