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Saturday
May072011

Round one, fight one: Huggles T. Bear vs. The Berlin Walrus


Laser lights, pumping stereo and mounds of suspicious white powder... that's right, Sports Fans, it's opening night at the Zoofights colosseum!

As you read this, our camera crews are assembling to bring you the savage opening bout of the tournament in glorious terrorvision - tonight, you will see the deranged Huggles T Bear go toe to toe with everyone's favourite remorseless spectre of uneasy ideological compromise - The Berlin Walrus.

While we wait for the video feed to go live, please enjoy a selection of power metal covers of elevator music by our house band, Ned Killy and the Kings of Beasts!

Guess what now this is happening.

THE FIGHT IS ON.

Disoriented by the flashing lights and loud music that herald his opponent, Huggles T Bear rears up painfully and issues a traditional grizzly scream of hate...

...only to be squarely brained by a chunk of masonry launched by the pitiless flipper of the Berlin Walrus. While the soviet half of the joint venture is not renowned for its accuracy, it can hardly miss a gesticulating heap of fur and AA batteries illuminated by the stadium spotlights.

If the haphazard toy mascot was having brain problems before the fight, you can be damn sure they're no better now...


The representative of the Hazbrute toy company is desperately unhappy with this turn of ballistic misfortune, and screams even louder - with the crowd bellowing for blood and mercury leaking into his cortex, he is in no mood to take a brick to the head lightly.

Bleeding in torrents, the bear flails his razor-tipped paws...

...and takes another round of ceramic straight in his gut.

This is not looking good for Huggles. He may have the claws and the chest laser in this battle, but unless he can stop raging against the horror of his circumstances, he's going to end up as paté.

The Berlin Walrus chuckles from its two moist throats, entertained by the sight of the silly little bear being battered against the arena wall by its projectile assault.

But as the doppelbrute's top hat quakes with mirth, a new sound rises against the screaming of the crowd - the sound of steel claws grinding against the concrete of the arena floor, overlayed by the grating affection of a cassette tape professing its need for a hug.

IT'S TIME FOR CUDDLES.

Suddenly, the semi-soviet sealife is laughing no more - its greedy eyes widen in fear as it fumbles to load another few rounds from its brick satchel...

With a cold gust of fear to the innards, the walrus realises that the bear could be within mincing range in seconds. The Western half of the colossus bellows orders to its Soviet symbiote, who fires his brick launcher with such well-drilled speed that the barrel and munitions begin to glow a dull cherry red.

Huggles falters, and covers himself with his shaggy, blade-augmented limbs to protect against the onslaught. His mind is full of horrible battery leakage, and his tape player is jammed - what he needs is encouragement from the audience.

Come on audience, won't you help him out?

Somewhere in the tangled channels of the Grizzly's addled mind, an exciting idea presents itself.

OH YEAH I GOT THAT LASER


With barely a moment's thought for the consequences, the bungled apex predator grits his brick-shattered teeth and prepares to shunt every ounce of battery power he has into an almighty blast of love and friendship...

HHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

While the mathematicians in the house have argued long and hard about the effects of a Care Laser on the exposed flesh of a walrus, few could argue for the efficacy of any battery-powered beam against a six-inch thick flipper clad in wrought iron.

The Berlin Walrus understands this as much as anyone, and immediately shields himself against the incoming blast.

While his steroid-enhanced appendage is heated to a dull glow in its centre, he manages to avoid the worst, forcing Huggles to continue his onslaught until he is in danger of losing 40 percent of his body fat...

When the roar of the laser finally dies down, Berlin Walrus lowers his sizzling hot iron flipper to get a new lock onto his enemy with his trusty brick launcher.

Whiskers twitch, eyes blink.... and then widen in shock.

Let's Play!

Finally, Huggles gets to speak the only language he knows - the subtle dialect of vicious steel claws on cold blubber.

With one horrific slash, the children's favourite dismantles the Berlin Walrus's ammunition supply. The jagged claws swipe through leather and hide alike, severing the strap of the Walrus's trusty brick satchel and coming within inches of eviscerating the pinniped through 10 inches of fat...

A desperate swipe from the walrus forces the bear to leap aside for a moment, but there are no bricks left to fire... the kodiak has an even-more-crazed-than-usual look in its eye, and immediately weaves back in to get a taste of politically-conflicted blood...

The bear lunges back in with a horrific stab to his Adversary's Big Flipper, sending gouts of viscous blood high into the charged air of the arena.

But what's this?

With a grating metallic rasp, the bear's ragged steel claws catch on one of the big sea mammal's iron plates, sticking fast in the wound.

Ignoring the pain with the patience of the free market and the stoicism of a Ukrainian peasant, the Walrus realises it has one last chance to aveert a blood-soaked death.

Tensing the titanic muscles behind its ironclad limb, the Berlin Walrus limbers up for the Judo throw to end all Judo throws...

With a grasp of force and motion that would put a pub quiz team composed of Newton and Von Braun to shame, the Berlin Walrus wrenches its vast beefy arm forwards and slams its frenzied assailant straight into the arena wall.

Bones crunch audibly, and the crowd holds its breath - surely this is one reversal too many for the bear? No-one's getting up from that...

The double-headed Walrus looms over its stricken opponent, exhausted from seemingly endless combat, but no bear springs from the fresh crater to attack it.

Brick dust settles and blood trickles, but there is another noise in the rubble where Huggles has been pounded into the stadium wall...

The slow creaking of a worn-out tape player, cranking out one last lovable catchphrase....

 

Sharing.....is.... caring

The two heads suddenly fix each other with a sharp glare.

Sharing is... Caring?

Maybe it's because of the exhaustion brought on by the long fight. Maybe it's because of the amount of shreddage inflicted by the bear on the nerve strands wiring the two very different sea creatures together. Maybe it's Maybeline.

In any case, this is not a sentiment these two can agree on. They know how to launch bricks together, how to throw punches together, and how to eat fish together - but they have always avoided the subject of politics.

Could sharing really be caring?

What does it mean to share?

Does he want my money?

Silence descends on the arena...

 

YOU GODDAMN FOOL, BERLIN WALRUS

NEVER, EVER STOP TO HAVE A POLITICAL DEBATE WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO KILL OFF A PSYCHOTIC GRIZZLY BEAR

In a heartbeat, the battery-addled beast is out of its grave, emaciated through overuse of its power reserves but still desperate for the sensation of blubber between its teeth.

The walrus doesn't even see it coming until its kidneys are rolling round on the floor like meat marbles. Schoolboy error.

First the kidneys, then the spinal column.

Bears are fast when you are not watching them.

Ladies and gentlemen, blink and you will miss it - you just saw Huggles T Bear take home the first fight of Zoofights VI.

Those who were brave enough to bet, collect your winnings now!

ZOOFIGHTS!

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