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Monday
May232011

Bull Market vs. Murducken


Zoofights TV Studios! Home of such shows as "I married a Dugong" and "My Three Saw Limbs"! And today, playing host to the filming of an informercial for the MURDUCKENtm brand KITCHEN BRUTALISER! There's a couple of hours to go before the fight starts, so what better way to spend it than to extort the masses to CALL NOW! Especially when today there is a very special guest in the studio - MURDUCKEN herself!



Oh.

It turns out terror birds are less known for their sales abilities and more known for shearing through bone with their gigantic beaks, a fact that the male presenter is desperately aware of as Murducken holds his head in her jaws. The female presenter's face is set in a rictus grin as she cheerfully assures the audience that this is all part of the presentation, and that the KITCHEN BRUTALISER could debone a cow as easily as Murducken could snap off her co-host's head right now, her words barely muffling the sound of the crew scrabbling for safety, and..



Like an unwanted child hurled from a skyscraper, one of the studio lights drops from its mount and slams into Murducken's head with skull-rattling force, the shock causing the massive avian to reflexively bite down and pop the presenter's head like a grape. Could it be that the specially bred Lighting Gibbons are more afraid of the mighty Murducken than they are of our Readjustment Batons?


MOTHERFUCKER

That slimy little shit of a Gekko has decided to get in a few licks early, having climbed into the rigging and bought off the Gibbons with stocks in Mango Futures. Murducken shakes her head, tossing aside the corpse of the presenter and training beady eyes towards the dimminutive antagonist, who smiles down smugly with all the sleaze a coked-up gekko in a million-dollar suit can muster, though his smile fades a bit as the enraged bird springs higher than thought possible, a beak like the jaws of life snapping just below the girder. If she thinks to scramble up onto the kitchen bench, we could be looking at a demonstration for Finely Sliced Gekko Flakes.

With the sound of a can-opener tearing through a crowd of puppies, Murducken leaps and snaps, claws tearing chunks from the studio floor. The gekko's composure breaks, and he scurries around the girder, hurridly trying to put himself out of harms way...



...and distracting Murducken from the massive slab of bronzed beef bearing down on her like a freight train full of benjamins.

Bull Market has no personal love for his Gekko partner. There's no room for feelings like "friendship" in the cutthroat world of business. But the slimy lizard represents a significant investment for his corporate backers, and threatening company interests? Someone has to pay.

The only question is, will madam be paying by cash, cheque, or...

CHARGE

Ribs snap as Murducken is hit by the full force of the free market and slammed through the flimsy studio wall into the set beyond - straight into the middle of filming for "Perfect Stranglers". The Live Studio Audience falls silent as the two murderbeasts barrel into the midst of their family friendly entertainment.

Murducken rolls to her feet with all the grace of a iceskater on PCP, prehistoric synapses jolting the arms of World Bus Lifting Champion '79 into violent action.



The sound of concrete hitting steak punctuates the awed silence as Murducken delivers a devastating one-two punch, microwave heart humming with avian bloodlust. Teeth fly, blood is spat, and still the audience remains silent. Has that Gekko flooded the studio with a deadly neurotoxin, or...

Oh right.

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High in the control room, a producer winches shut his gaping mouth and hurridly mashes the controls to the Audience Response Monolith. Forced laughter fills the set as Bull Market staggers to his feet, murder in his over-priced eyes.

Snorting, Bull Market rises ponderously onto his hind legs, his gekko scurrying up onto his shoulder. The two fighters begin to circle each other warily, both bloodied but unbowed. Murducken cracks her gigantic knuckles, ignoring the scrapes caused by her opponent's dermal weave. Bull Market's heavy cellphone swings from his hoof in a tight circle, each brute searching for a weakness to exploit.

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The bull acts first, suddenly releasing his phone-onna-chain like a bola in an attempt to wrap it around the bird's slender neck, choking her with a leash of pure Osmium.


Osmium?



OSMIUM?





FUCK OSMIUM.

In a display of raw speed and frightening strength, Murducken leaps up and crushes the heavy metal phone in her beak like so much presenter skull, clearing not giving a single fuck about modern technology OR osmium poisoning.

MEANWHILE...



In a newsroom not too far away, a moderately famous news anchor is trying to inform his viewers about the plight of the adorable kitten that was stuck in a storm drain with a nest of furious eelrhanas, a task made more and more difficult by monsterous grunts and sounds of tearing flesh that grow louder and louder. Sweat drips from his forehead. If he can just make it to the commercial break, maybe he can get the hell out of here.


BREAKING NEWS

The wall behind the unfortunate anchor explodes in a storm of feathers and blood, a screaming bellowing maelstrom of pain and brutality. Bull Market has once more driven Murducken through a wall, but this time she was ready for the charge, twisting at the last mintue to let her opponent take the brunt of the blow, claws raking at his face as her beak snaps at the gekko as he lunges in for an opportunistic bite.





But something as inconsequential as smashing through a wall isn't going to stop Bull Market. As Murducken seizes the high ground on what remains of the newsdesk, the bovine brawler lunges forward and impales one of her beefy arms on his horns. With a brutal toss of his head, he tears the limb from its augmented socket. Glass breaks and fillings rattle as Murducken releases a hypersonic scream of pain.



Thrown to the floor, weak from blood loss and the early signs of delicious Osmium poisoning, Murducken goes into a fighting crouch. While blood, gravy and electricity flows through her surgically enhanced frame she can't give up.. but pure fighting moxie might not be enough here. Bull Market looms over his injured enemy, the bovine bleeding from deep scratches and nursing a black eye and mild concussion but focused on the kill....

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Like in so many boardroom victories before, Bull Market senses that this is the time to strike. His opponent is weak and getting weaker, one quick strike will end this now and reduce the mascot to so much foie gras. One sudden charge and this will all be over.



NOT QUICK ENOUGH.

The markets might be unpredicable, but Bull Market has been relying too heavily on the charge, and Murducken is once again ready. Springing up she grabs the bull in a vice-like headlock, tumbling him off balance and sending his gekko chum rolling to the floor...

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The gekko springs to his greasy feet but is immediately slammed back down as the clawed foot of a severely pissed off terror bird pins him firmly to the floor, razor claws only failing to eviscerate him by the slimmest of margins. Bull Market thrashes like a cow in some sort of fine dinnerware emporium but to no avail. Terminally off balance he can't find the financial or physical leverage he needs to escape the headlock. With a shocking sound, Murducken twists off one of his horns and pushes his head towards the glowing microwave that serves as her heart. With one horn missing, the bull's heavy featured head will now fit, but he's still massively strong. Does Murducken have the strength to overcome massive bloodloss and horrible industrial posioning and force her opponent's head inside? Or does Bull Market have one sinister trick left to play?

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NOPE.

The bull's bellow is cut short by the massive humming crackle of a overpowered microwave discharge, the wrecked news room suddenly filled with the aroma of well done beef as Bull Market's head is cooked from the inside. Murducken screams in triumph while the gekko sezies the moment and slithers away as quickly as his tiny feet will carry him

:siren: MURDUCKEN WINS :siren:

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Meanwhile, chaos in Maul Street as Bull Market's unexpected defeat send stock prices plumeting, with investors rushing to throw their cash at the hot new ticket - MURDUCKEN KITCHEN APPLIANCES.

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