Good evening Sports Fans, and welcome to Zoofights, the main event in this year’s bloodsports calendar!
For those of you who haven’t joined us before, don’t worry about a thing - you’ll pick it up in one minute and thirty six seconds:
It’s the year Nineteen Eighty Something, and you’re watching the spectacle of the decade.
Forget royal weddings, crippling recessions and the spectre of violent societal collapse - we’ve got bigger and better things going on here at the ZTV netowrk, and we’re beaming it straight to your screen as it happens.
Sixteen savage beasts from all over the animal kingdom are waiting at the Zoofights Foundation Compound, backed by ruthless sponsors and each hoping to emerge as King of Beasts at the end of the summer.
Our talented surgineers have been bolting weaponry to them throughout the spring, and every week we’re going to see two of them (that’s the animals, not the surgineers, silly!) fight to the death for your amusement.
The catch is, it’s up to you to choose who wins! When presented with a choice between two opponents, it’s your job to argue - in as confrontational and opinionated way as possible - as to why your favourite will kick the duodenum out of the other.
If someone disagrees with you, just disagree right back - and why not call them a dweeb while you’re at it!
Through the magic of television, we will choose the winner based on who is shouting the loudest, and show you what happens until you want to barf. The show won’t stop until only one contender is left.
If you haven’t signed up already, come join our forums and make yourself at home.
So get yourself a mug of whiskey and do not change the channel, because we’ll be keeping it coming all night. Within the hour we will introduce the first brace of brutes lined up to duke it out in our state-of-the-art arena, and the disagreements can commence.
Yes, this is Network Z. The net-net-net-net-network that puts you right... where they want you to be!
OK, I want to vote for who wins - how do I do this right?
It's easy! As soon as the first competitors are announced, follow these simple instructions:
1. Votes must contain #fightername. eg; if you are voting for Steamcrab, somewhere in your post, you would include the word #Steamcrab (the hash and the bolding are important, capital letters are not). This is to make counting votes easier!
2. Votes must have substance. Votes that are just a fighter’s name will be ignored. Give us specific reasons why you think they’ll triumph, taking into account not just their own awesomeness but their opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. Well reasoned and highly detailed (or just amusing) votes may be weighted more heavily, as may votes that contain art or diagrams. Seriously, we will give out extra points where credit is due.
3. Please only vote ONCE. You can discuss the fight in as many posts as you like, but please only inlcude #fightername in one of them. Also, if you’re posting in the Something Awful thread as well as the Zoofights Forum (we will be counting votes on both), please only include #fightername on one forum. You can announce your vote just by bolding the name, but please please keep the # tag for the unique vote.
I swear I remember something about a snake and two drunk guys and a cosmic boat and a moth god... what is happening here?
I have no idea what you are talking about. And I never heard of an animal called a snake either... perhaps you are thinking of Stretch Lizards?
I wish to shout about all this online, and forums are not quite enough!
If you want to scream at the internet about how a gnu will biff an orangutan and not vice versa and have all concerned parties see it immediately, then head to our IRC channel at #zoofights on SynIRC (synirc.irc.net). This link will bring you straight there using Mibbit.
I am a time travelling werewolf with a thirst for diesel oil margaritas - can I get a drink here?
Not here sir - you want to go to The Bar. This thread, and the main discussion threads on the ZF forums, are for arguing about fights between stronged-up beasts only. Feel free to bring in a bit of thematic stuff in your posting, but if you want all out roleplaying then the bar is where you want to be. You will be taken care of by Gezora's able tentacles.
I like to draw animals with weapons stuck to them. How can I get involved in this?
Email the Zoofights Foundation at firstname.lastname@example.org - there is a place for everyone, and we always need new artists.
Zoofights sucks, what have you guys got to offer that I couldn’t be watching on World Creature Wars over on the Ultrasports Network?
Don't give me that horseshit. WCW has been in decline for years, and that old fool Kommodore Disaster doesn't have the budget to put on a spread of biomechanical monstrosities like we can.