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Round one, fight one: Mr Bear, tear down this Walrus!

In the blue corner

From the cocaine-wracked depths of the toy marketing industry, a seething colossus that will set alight the hearts (and hair) of children all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you...... HUGGLES T BEAR

The Hazbrute toy company wanted to show the children of the world the meaning of love, kindness and spending shitloads of money on toys with their entry to the Zoofights tournament.

Thus, the raging Kodiak bear they have prepared spouts recorded catchphrases from a throat-mounted cassette player such as "I love you" and "come give me a hug"... as he wades into enemies with his rusty steel claws.

Furthermore, he has a chest-mounted laser embossed with a heart emblem, capable of burning through a wooden dog at a hundred paces. Luckily, this horrific weapon is powered by thousands of AA batteries, which can only fuel a few seconds of full-beam wrath before the beast’s laser is forced to draw upon its host’s fat reserves for energy.

That said, Huggles is particularly well fed after an exclusive “meat and greet” session with lucky fans reached a grisly conclusion last week.

Huggles is severely not well in the mind as a result of overzealous battery implants, making him very easily confused, but test runs in a warehouse full of goats have proved that his ability to charge, roar and slash has not been impaired by the extensive modifications inflicted on him.

Huggles T Bear - Vital stats:

Huggles T Bear - Surgeoneer’s notes:


In the red corner

A hard-hearted monstrosity straight from Checkpoint Charlie, tonight’s second contender is a Beast Divided. He may not know what he stands for, but he’ll be damned if anyone will stand in his way. Folks, duck to avoid the bricks, and give it up for THE BERLIN WALRUS.

A fusion of Eastern pragmatism and Western excess, this joint venture between the two estranged halves of Germany is truly greater than the sum of its parts. While the American-sponsored half smashes enemies aside with its iron-plated flipper and colossal bulk, its emaciated Soviet symbiote fires tireless volleys of bricks from its shoulder-mounted masonry launcher.

Mobility is not this brute’s strong point, and neither is pinpoint accuracy, but he more than makes up for it with stalwart determination, rapid reloading skill, and an absolutely savage backhander from a flipper the size of a fence.

While the Berlin Walrus might suffer a weakness in its ability to handle questions on the division of labour and the materialist interpretation of history, such intellectual challenges are unlikely to come from his opponent in this round.

It is a matter of size. Evolution. Isn't it, gentlemen? Berlin Walrus is the most perfectly trained athlete ever. This other beast has not the size, the strength, the *genetics* to win. It is physically impossible for this little bear to win. Berlin Walrus is a look at the future!

The Berlin Walrus - Vital stats:

Berlin Walrus - Surgeoneer’s notes:



Reader Comments (1)

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June 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterimplantate Berlin

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