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Tuesday
May172011

Round one, fight three: MEAT and GREET

It's time to announce our next punch-up - and this time we're taking things to the kitchen. This will be the first fight to take place outside of a standard arena setup, and will instead rock its way through the bowels of the Network Z television centre, starting in its lavish show kitchen. So, Ladies and gentlemen, let's see who's fighting in:

FIGHT THREE: MEAT AND GREET

Hailing from the dog-eat-money world of lower Manhattan,

A burly brute with money to burn, and with no scruples about stamping on a whole bunch of heads to get to the top of the tournament, this guy is definitely going to win this fight, and all the rest. Ladies and gentlemen, I have in no way been paid to say this by BULL MARKET!

Funded by a syndicate of brokerages from New York's Maul Street, this 9 foot bull has been bred for one thing: to win Zoofights VI and make shitloads of cash for its creators.

His skin is encrusted with layers of bronze, his suit is woven through with carbon fibre, and he carries a superdense telephone on a chain.

What's more, in addition to goring, stamping and charging his way to the ruin of his opponents, this surgically strengthened minotaur thinks little of bribing, intimidating and calling in favours to ensure victory.

Add to this equation a foul little gecko willing to run all sorts of errands for its master (seriously, keep your eyes on the little f*cker or he will shit in your drink from the roof), and you have a seriously potent contender.

Bull Market - Surgeoneer’s notes:


VERSUS

From the diseased mind of America's greatest TV chef,

Lemeril Magasse had it all. A hit network cooking show, endorsement deals for thousands of low quality food products, a chain of glitzy restaurants - and crippling debts to match.

He hoped to solve his problems through sales of a grim new food prep gadget - The Kitchen Brutaliser - but he just didn't have the marketing nous to kick things up a notch in sales.

That's when the Zoofights foundation stepped in with a gallon of frozen terror bird semen, the arms of a bus lifter, and a surefire way to get his product noticed. Ladies and gentlemen - BAM, it's MURDUCKEN

Murducken makes a velociraptor look like a simpering, indecisive wallflower. A prime female specimen of the terror bird Titanis Walleri, recreated through test tubes, inscrutable science and lots of dry ice and compuer generated images of DNA, she has a beak built to rip up cattle, and a mean streak to match.

The only thing we felt she was missing was arms, and so we dug deep into our reserves of frozen wrestler bits and defrosted the hugest ones we could find.

Then, just because we could, we put a phenomenally high-wattage microwave in her chest cavity, for shoving people's heads into.

Murducken wants to wreck stuff every hour of the day, and she's enjoying every minute.

Murducken - Surgeoneer’s notes:

VOTING BEGINS NOW, AND THIS TIME ROUND, WILL RUN TO FRIDAY

THE FIGHT ITSELF WILL TAKE PLACE SATURDAY NIGHT, AND WILL GO ON UNTIL ONE COMPETITOR IS JUST A BUNCH OF INNARDS AND MESS.

wHO WILL WIN???

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