Wednesday
Mar162011

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS - TEST YOUR MIGHT

Current fight:  ZOOFIGHTS VI FINAL

Previous fight: Two Bad-Ass Pangolins VS. Armour Dio


 Have you ever lain awake, wondering who would win in a fight between a gorilla and a bear?

Did you imagine the gorilla had a sword on the end of a rope, and the bear was juggling molotov cocktails?

Have you ever wondered if a hippo with wheels could fend off six tigers that could shoot their heads like rockets?

Have you ever wished someone would devote years of their life to answering these sort of questions?

If the answer is no, there's something seriously wrong with you.

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, or if you just like animals fighting, then you are in the right place.

Welcome, one and all, to ZOOFIGHTS!!!

It's Spring, which means Team Zoofights is out of hibernation and ready to grumble. Check out the video below to gain a glimpse at sixteen contenders which have been prepared to fight for your amusement in a futuristic gameshow environment.

Pair them up, and we will make them fight. On May 1st the sixth Zoofights tournament will begin - when it is over, only one will remain as the KING OF BEASTS!

Cast your pairings at the new, official Zoofights forums

In one week, we will tally up all the number pairs selected, and begin preparing the first round of Zoofights VI.

STAY TUNED

Monday
May022011

Zoofights VI BEGINS!

Good evening Sports Fans, and welcome to Zoofights, the main event in this year’s bloodsports calendar!

For those of you who haven’t joined us before, don’t worry about a thing - you’ll pick it up in one minute and thirty six seconds:

It’s the year Nineteen Eighty Something, and you’re watching the spectacle of the decade.

Forget royal weddings, crippling recessions and the spectre of violent societal collapse - we’ve got bigger and better things going on here at the ZTV netowrk, and we’re beaming it straight to your screen as it happens.

Sixteen savage beasts from all over the animal kingdom are waiting at the Zoofights Foundation Compound, backed by ruthless sponsors and each hoping to emerge as King of Beasts at the end of the summer.

Our talented surgineers have been bolting weaponry to them throughout the spring, and every week we’re going to see two of them (that’s the animals, not the surgineers, silly!) fight to the death for your amusement.

The catch is, it’s up to you to choose who wins! When presented with a choice between two opponents, it’s your job to argue - in as confrontational and opinionated way as possible - as to why your favourite will kick the duodenum out of the other.

If someone disagrees with you, just disagree right back - and why not call them a dweeb while you’re at it!

Through the magic of television, we will choose the winner based on who is shouting the loudest, and show you what happens until you want to barf. The show won’t stop until only one contender is left.

If you haven’t signed up already, come join our forums and make yourself at home.

So get yourself a mug of whiskey and do not change the channel, because we’ll be keeping it coming all night. Within the hour we will introduce the first brace of brutes lined up to duke it out in our state-of-the-art arena, and the disagreements can commence.

Yes, this is Network Z. The net-net-net-net-network that puts you right... where they want you to be!

FAQ:

OK, I want to vote for who wins - how do I do this right?

It's easy! As soon as the first competitors are announced, follow these simple instructions:

1. Votes must contain #fightername. eg; if you are voting for Steamcrab, somewhere in your post, you would include the word #Steamcrab (the hash and the bolding are important, capital letters are not). This is to make counting votes easier!

2. Votes must have substance. Votes that are just a fighter’s name will be ignored. Give us specific reasons why you think they’ll triumph, taking into account not just their own awesomeness but their opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. Well reasoned and highly detailed (or just amusing) votes may be weighted more heavily, as may votes that contain art or diagrams. Seriously, we will give out extra points where credit is due.

3. Please only vote ONCE. You can discuss the fight in as many posts as you like, but please only inlcude #fightername in one of them. Also, if you’re posting in the Something Awful thread as well as the Zoofights Forum (we will be counting votes on both), please only include #fightername on one forum. You can announce your vote just by bolding the name, but please please keep the # tag for the unique vote.

I swear I remember something about a snake and two drunk guys and a cosmic boat and a moth god... what is happening here?

I have no idea what you are talking about. And I never heard of an animal called a snake either... perhaps you are thinking of Stretch Lizards?

I wish to shout about all this online, and forums are not quite enough!

If you want to scream at the internet about how a gnu will biff an orangutan and not vice versa and have all concerned parties see it immediately, then head to our IRC channel at #zoofights on SynIRC (synirc.irc.net). This link will bring you straight there using Mibbit.

I am a time travelling werewolf with a thirst for diesel oil margaritas - can I get a drink here?

Not here sir - you want to go to The Bar. This thread, and the main discussion threads on the ZF forums, are for arguing about fights between stronged-up beasts only. Feel free to bring in a bit of thematic stuff in your posting, but if you want all out roleplaying then the bar is where you want to be. You will be taken care of by Gezora's able tentacles.

I like to draw animals with weapons stuck to them. How can I get involved in this?

Email the Zoofights Foundation at zoofights4@gmail.com - there is a place for everyone, and we always need new artists.

Zoofights sucks, what have you guys got to offer that I couldn’t be watching on World Creature Wars over on the Ultrasports Network?

Don't give me that horseshit. WCW has been in decline for years, and that old fool Kommodore Disaster doesn't have the budget to put on a spread of biomechanical monstrosities like we can.

 

Monday
May022011

Round one, fight one: Mr Bear, tear down this Walrus!

In the blue corner


From the cocaine-wracked depths of the toy marketing industry, a seething colossus that will set alight the hearts (and hair) of children all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you...... HUGGLES T BEAR

The Hazbrute toy company wanted to show the children of the world the meaning of love, kindness and spending shitloads of money on toys with their entry to the Zoofights tournament.

Thus, the raging Kodiak bear they have prepared spouts recorded catchphrases from a throat-mounted cassette player such as "I love you" and "come give me a hug"... as he wades into enemies with his rusty steel claws.

Furthermore, he has a chest-mounted laser embossed with a heart emblem, capable of burning through a wooden dog at a hundred paces. Luckily, this horrific weapon is powered by thousands of AA batteries, which can only fuel a few seconds of full-beam wrath before the beast’s laser is forced to draw upon its host’s fat reserves for energy.

That said, Huggles is particularly well fed after an exclusive “meat and greet” session with lucky fans reached a grisly conclusion last week.

Huggles is severely not well in the mind as a result of overzealous battery implants, making him very easily confused, but test runs in a warehouse full of goats have proved that his ability to charge, roar and slash has not been impaired by the extensive modifications inflicted on him.

Huggles T Bear - Vital stats:

Huggles T Bear - Surgeoneer’s notes:


VERSUS

In the red corner


A hard-hearted monstrosity straight from Checkpoint Charlie, tonight’s second contender is a Beast Divided. He may not know what he stands for, but he’ll be damned if anyone will stand in his way. Folks, duck to avoid the bricks, and give it up for THE BERLIN WALRUS.

A fusion of Eastern pragmatism and Western excess, this joint venture between the two estranged halves of Germany is truly greater than the sum of its parts. While the American-sponsored half smashes enemies aside with its iron-plated flipper and colossal bulk, its emaciated Soviet symbiote fires tireless volleys of bricks from its shoulder-mounted masonry launcher.

Mobility is not this brute’s strong point, and neither is pinpoint accuracy, but he more than makes up for it with stalwart determination, rapid reloading skill, and an absolutely savage backhander from a flipper the size of a fence.

While the Berlin Walrus might suffer a weakness in its ability to handle questions on the division of labour and the materialist interpretation of history, such intellectual challenges are unlikely to come from his opponent in this round.

It is a matter of size. Evolution. Isn't it, gentlemen? Berlin Walrus is the most perfectly trained athlete ever. This other beast has not the size, the strength, the *genetics* to win. It is physically impossible for this little bear to win. Berlin Walrus is a look at the future!

The Berlin Walrus - Vital stats:

Berlin Walrus - Surgeoneer’s notes:


VOTING BEGINS NOW, AND WILL RUN UNTIL THURSDAY EVENING.

THIS FIRST SHOWDOWN WILL TAKE PLACE ON FRIDAY NIGHT. MAKE SURE YOU ARE IN THE FRONT ROW!

Saturday
May072011

Round one, fight one: Huggles T. Bear vs. The Berlin Walrus


Laser lights, pumping stereo and mounds of suspicious white powder... that's right, Sports Fans, it's opening night at the Zoofights colosseum!

As you read this, our camera crews are assembling to bring you the savage opening bout of the tournament in glorious terrorvision - tonight, you will see the deranged Huggles T Bear go toe to toe with everyone's favourite remorseless spectre of uneasy ideological compromise - The Berlin Walrus.

While we wait for the video feed to go live, please enjoy a selection of power metal covers of elevator music by our house band, Ned Killy and the Kings of Beasts!

Guess what now this is happening.

THE FIGHT IS ON.

Disoriented by the flashing lights and loud music that herald his opponent, Huggles T Bear rears up painfully and issues a traditional grizzly scream of hate...

...only to be squarely brained by a chunk of masonry launched by the pitiless flipper of the Berlin Walrus. While the soviet half of the joint venture is not renowned for its accuracy, it can hardly miss a gesticulating heap of fur and AA batteries illuminated by the stadium spotlights.

If the haphazard toy mascot was having brain problems before the fight, you can be damn sure they're no better now...


The representative of the Hazbrute toy company is desperately unhappy with this turn of ballistic misfortune, and screams even louder - with the crowd bellowing for blood and mercury leaking into his cortex, he is in no mood to take a brick to the head lightly.

Bleeding in torrents, the bear flails his razor-tipped paws...

...and takes another round of ceramic straight in his gut.

This is not looking good for Huggles. He may have the claws and the chest laser in this battle, but unless he can stop raging against the horror of his circumstances, he's going to end up as paté.

The Berlin Walrus chuckles from its two moist throats, entertained by the sight of the silly little bear being battered against the arena wall by its projectile assault.

But as the doppelbrute's top hat quakes with mirth, a new sound rises against the screaming of the crowd - the sound of steel claws grinding against the concrete of the arena floor, overlayed by the grating affection of a cassette tape professing its need for a hug.

IT'S TIME FOR CUDDLES.

Suddenly, the semi-soviet sealife is laughing no more - its greedy eyes widen in fear as it fumbles to load another few rounds from its brick satchel...

With a cold gust of fear to the innards, the walrus realises that the bear could be within mincing range in seconds. The Western half of the colossus bellows orders to its Soviet symbiote, who fires his brick launcher with such well-drilled speed that the barrel and munitions begin to glow a dull cherry red.

Huggles falters, and covers himself with his shaggy, blade-augmented limbs to protect against the onslaught. His mind is full of horrible battery leakage, and his tape player is jammed - what he needs is encouragement from the audience.

Come on audience, won't you help him out?

Somewhere in the tangled channels of the Grizzly's addled mind, an exciting idea presents itself.

OH YEAH I GOT THAT LASER


With barely a moment's thought for the consequences, the bungled apex predator grits his brick-shattered teeth and prepares to shunt every ounce of battery power he has into an almighty blast of love and friendship...

HHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

While the mathematicians in the house have argued long and hard about the effects of a Care Laser on the exposed flesh of a walrus, few could argue for the efficacy of any battery-powered beam against a six-inch thick flipper clad in wrought iron.

The Berlin Walrus understands this as much as anyone, and immediately shields himself against the incoming blast.

While his steroid-enhanced appendage is heated to a dull glow in its centre, he manages to avoid the worst, forcing Huggles to continue his onslaught until he is in danger of losing 40 percent of his body fat...

When the roar of the laser finally dies down, Berlin Walrus lowers his sizzling hot iron flipper to get a new lock onto his enemy with his trusty brick launcher.

Whiskers twitch, eyes blink.... and then widen in shock.

Let's Play!

Finally, Huggles gets to speak the only language he knows - the subtle dialect of vicious steel claws on cold blubber.

With one horrific slash, the children's favourite dismantles the Berlin Walrus's ammunition supply. The jagged claws swipe through leather and hide alike, severing the strap of the Walrus's trusty brick satchel and coming within inches of eviscerating the pinniped through 10 inches of fat...

A desperate swipe from the walrus forces the bear to leap aside for a moment, but there are no bricks left to fire... the kodiak has an even-more-crazed-than-usual look in its eye, and immediately weaves back in to get a taste of politically-conflicted blood...

The bear lunges back in with a horrific stab to his Adversary's Big Flipper, sending gouts of viscous blood high into the charged air of the arena.

But what's this?

With a grating metallic rasp, the bear's ragged steel claws catch on one of the big sea mammal's iron plates, sticking fast in the wound.

Ignoring the pain with the patience of the free market and the stoicism of a Ukrainian peasant, the Walrus realises it has one last chance to aveert a blood-soaked death.

Tensing the titanic muscles behind its ironclad limb, the Berlin Walrus limbers up for the Judo throw to end all Judo throws...

With a grasp of force and motion that would put a pub quiz team composed of Newton and Von Braun to shame, the Berlin Walrus wrenches its vast beefy arm forwards and slams its frenzied assailant straight into the arena wall.

Bones crunch audibly, and the crowd holds its breath - surely this is one reversal too many for the bear? No-one's getting up from that...

The double-headed Walrus looms over its stricken opponent, exhausted from seemingly endless combat, but no bear springs from the fresh crater to attack it.

Brick dust settles and blood trickles, but there is another noise in the rubble where Huggles has been pounded into the stadium wall...

The slow creaking of a worn-out tape player, cranking out one last lovable catchphrase....

 

Sharing.....is.... caring

The two heads suddenly fix each other with a sharp glare.

Sharing is... Caring?

Maybe it's because of the exhaustion brought on by the long fight. Maybe it's because of the amount of shreddage inflicted by the bear on the nerve strands wiring the two very different sea creatures together. Maybe it's Maybeline.

In any case, this is not a sentiment these two can agree on. They know how to launch bricks together, how to throw punches together, and how to eat fish together - but they have always avoided the subject of politics.

Could sharing really be caring?

What does it mean to share?

Does he want my money?

Silence descends on the arena...

 

YOU GODDAMN FOOL, BERLIN WALRUS

NEVER, EVER STOP TO HAVE A POLITICAL DEBATE WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO KILL OFF A PSYCHOTIC GRIZZLY BEAR

In a heartbeat, the battery-addled beast is out of its grave, emaciated through overuse of its power reserves but still desperate for the sensation of blubber between its teeth.

The walrus doesn't even see it coming until its kidneys are rolling round on the floor like meat marbles. Schoolboy error.

First the kidneys, then the spinal column.

Bears are fast when you are not watching them.

Ladies and gentlemen, blink and you will miss it - you just saw Huggles T Bear take home the first fight of Zoofights VI.

Those who were brave enough to bet, collect your winnings now!

ZOOFIGHTS!

Monday
May092011

Round one, fight two: Tyger tyger, burning FIGHT

Well now Sports Fans, it looks like we've got quite a battle on our hands here. It's got all the zoofights ingrediencts: poor surgery, angry carnivores, incomprehensible blank intelligences and hyperconcentrated acid. Ladies and gentlemen, I am delighted to present to you:

FIGHT TWO: TIGER TIGER, BURNING FIGHT

In the SPACE corner

Something that should never have come back from the chilly vacuum beyond the sky, this first contender is both deeply uncomfortable to spend time with and horribly good at not feeling remorse. Sports Fans, it's CROAKA COLA!

The Croaka Cola company has used a frog as its mascot since it was founded by one of the heirs to the Stockbridge & Barrington soft drinks fortune many years ago.

This particular frog was launched into space as part of a publicity stunt, but was mutated by COSMIC RAYS into something TOTALLY RADICAL and also nine feet tall.

We wish we could give more details of this beast's origin story, but the Croaka Cola company insisted we concentrate instead on the refreshing taste of cold CROKE. Just looking at this creature makes me thirsty.

Croaka Cola is thirsty too.

Kept alive by immersion in a space suit full of life-giving beverage, this blankly aggressive killer lives only to refresh: jetting around on a column of flame from his spacepack, he thoughtlessly deals death with its twin hoses: one delivering sugary syrup and doling out hyperconcentrate acid.

Croaka Cola - Vital stats:

Croaka Cola - Surgeoneer’s notes:

VERSUS

In the decaying industrial corner:

From America's automotive heartland, a slab of cheap, patriotic metal and red meat with the will to kill and a heart full of disel. Please go completely crazy for MONSTER TRUCK - it might drown out the creature's horrible screams.

The General Monsters company of Detroit presents: Monster Truck! All the ferocity of a tiger, all the wheels of a truck! It sort of transforms from one into the other! It hurts so bad, all the time! Please, let the pain end!

After a crippling strike by its surgineering team, GM was forced to push Monster Truck off its assembly line without safety testing... or indeed without sewing up many of the wounds left from its construction.

We know for a fact it can shift from its bipedal form to something approximating a kind of upsetting meaty truck - but not without complete agony and appreciable blood loss.

Luckily, the one thing MT wishes for more than death is revenge against the world that lets it live - so we're guaranteed a spirired fight.

Monster Truck - Vital stats:

Monster Truck - Surgeoneer’s notes:

VOTING BEGINS NOW, AND AS BEFORE WILL RUN UNTIL THURSDAY EVENING.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL. VOTE HERE OR AT THE ZF FORUMS, AND KEEP ANY DRINKS ORDERS OR BIG PICTURES OF YOURSELF TO THE BAR OVER ON ZF. FIGHT WILL BE ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

ANY QUESTIONS ON THE TECHINCAL OR METAPHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FIGHTERS, JUST ASK AND I WILL GIVE A DEFINITIVE ANSWER.

NOW CHOOSE YOUR WINNE