Saturday
May082010

Zoofights V Round One, Fight Three

SMASH GORDON


fighting

Smash Gordon is a controversial attempt by England to circumvent our "no human competitors" rule: a cloned Neanderthal entered into the tournament as an animal. As dense in stature as he is in mind, this brutish thug is the culmination to years of experiments by the propaganda wing of the British police state, aimed at creating an unstoppable terror weapon for Scotland Yard. In fact, he is so colossally challenged that he needs to be guided through non-violent life by his trusty bulldog, Nelson. Nonetheless, he retains a brute cunning, which is truly deadly when backed up by hubcap-sized fists.

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VERSUS
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The Sturgeon General


fighting to the bitter end

The tattered remnants of Russia's army forgot who they were fighting, but never who led them. Under the forbidding bellow of The Sturgeon General they marched, driven onwards by the hated fish on its ancient tank tracks. When they stumbled through hunger, cold or radiation sickness it urged them forward, and any who disobeyed were transfixed with a mighty shout, then mangled under its treads. The General never let discipline slip, not even when the last man in the legion died under its wheels. Therefore, in admiration of its leadership talent, we have given it an army of devlish antigrav stingrays.

Fight location

This fight will take place on the hallowed ground of Arena 1, at the heart of the Zoofights citadel. A 100 yard circle of bleached sand sunk into an iron-walled pit and overlooked by rows of rickety seating, that only one contender will leave victorious.

TACTICAL ANALYSIS


This fight will be nothing if not bloody. A brawler who can withstand immense punishment, versus a grim colossus designed to beat virtually anything in a war of attrition. Those floating roller-skates will be an important factor, tethered to their mothersturge by steel cable, as will Smash's stalwart bulldog, Nelson. While the rays have potent stings, they are relatively flimsy at just 3 feet long.

Sturge's devastating bellow attack and thrashing tail should not be discounted, but neither should the Neanderthal's frightening strength and ability to close. If Smash can get near Sturge's face and withstand the bellowing, he will be in his element...


Sunday
May092010

Smash Gordon fights the Sturgeon General



As the suns finally emerge after two days of fierce dust storms, they hammer hard UV onto the tin plates and rusty girders of the Main Arena.

Rowdy onlookers hurl cans and abuse at the arena sand, where a rusty old armoured van bearing the British colours is awaiting the start of battle.

Then, as the chanting and hammering of steins on railings grows to a crescendo, a radiation-savaged tape of soviet marching music comes crackling over the arena's sound system.

There is a creaking of time-busted hinges, accompanied by the low thunder of treads, and the arena gate begins to rumble open...

Theme Tune for Fight


With a howl like Brian Blessed challenging the devil to a fistfight from inside a wind tunnel, the Sturgeon General makes his entrance.

Eardrums rupture, rivets shake loose and glasses crack as the relentless titan bursts into the light, while his swooping cadre of roller-skates writhe to his turbine-enhanced dirge.

The van stays immobile on the killing floor with no signs of life apparent, and Smash Gordon is nowhere to be seen.

The Sturgeon General, enraged by the lack of killing, notches up his senseless wailing and steams towards the vehicle...


The General rolls to a halt just feet from the squat grey van, letting his roar wind down to a low moaning as he awaits a challenge.

As he towers in the centre of the arena, the lone click of a lock echoes over the remnants of his scream...



In the sudden quiet, a new sound grows louder and louder - the senseless shouting of a neanderthal warrior hurling himself from a spar of steel scaffolding.

With no heed at all for the bone-smashing drop, Smash Gordon launches himself into the air and plunges axe-first into his gigantic enemy.

The General senses danger in his barbels, but has underestimated the awesome recklessness and low cunning of his primitive foe.

He turns on clanking treads, but too late - Smash Gordon takes first blood with a savage braining from his flint axe.

Nevertheless, a simple blow to the mind will not be enough to incapacitate the Sturge - a fish that led a million men through the gates of beijing under fire from kinetic weapons satellites, and which initiated the last charge at Ulaanbaatar with a platoon of burning men.

His great tail thrashes...



...and smashes the red-maned brute into the iron of the arena sidings, like a wrestler throwing a grape at a boulder.

Even with Smash's iron constitution and leathery flesh, racks of bones are crushed by the impact, and the audience winces in unison.

Unphased by its recent braining, the Sturge begins a slow turn and advances on its seemingly shattered prey.


As his master lies mangled and limp at the foot of the blood-stained wall, the loyal bulldog Nelson leaps into action.

With jowls flying, he sets into the flotilla of quivering rhomboids surrounding the Acipenserid Admiral with all the ferocity of his nautical namesake.

Cartilage is torn and denticles deleted as the diminuitive warrior goes to work, and the crowd strikes up a savage new chant...

NEL-SON, NEL-SON, NEL-SON

But this is the fish that oversaw the decimation at Pripyat, and the commander that drove a forced march across the North Pole to relieve the siege of Arkangel. It will not be diverted by the prancing of a hound.

With a subsonic crooning like a whale vomiting through twelve lead tubas, Sturge begins to power up for the grandest of shouts...



But he barely has time to clear his throat before a new threat emerges.

Unbelievably, in the 30 seconds that Nelson has been fighting his desperate battle, Smash Gordon has risen to his feet and begun lumbering across the arena sand.

Grunting with the lungs of an actual ox, he launches himself up onto Sturge's stalled tracks and begins a gristly, bone-grating climb up the behemoth.

Cable-like sinews tear around shattered bone, but a chemical rage beyond the comprehension of frail Homo Sapiens drives Smash on.

His axe grinds through armour and scales, and he tears great bales of innard from the exposed body of the arch-anadrome.

As he plants an iron boot on the head of a roller-skate and pistons up toward the face of Sturge, he propels himself into range for a killing blow...



Ears pour blood. Stones crack in two. Birds melt.

The Sturgeon General unleashes a political message at the volume of a thousand olympic bellowers, within feet of Smash Gordon.

His stone axe bursts into spinning shards of flint, and the inside of his left arm is turned into something like a beef casserole full of sticks.

With an icy feeling in the pit of their stomachs, the sponsors of the British entry realise they have bitten off far more than they can chew...


Descending as soon as the main force of the shockwave fades, the surviving roller-skates set about Smash Gordon's broken body like pirates stabbing a pig to death behind an abandoned paint factory.

Even with two hearts and a shock-response system honed through an ice age worth of fist fights with bears, the neanderthal cannot stand up to three cardiac injections of venom.

With a last snarl of anger, Smash turns grey and falls limp - finally, a Russian entry has progressed past round one of Zoofights.

THE STURGEON GENERAL WINS

But what becomes of Nelson?



Stone deaf after the Sturgeon's ultra-bellow, but utterly collected, Nelson paws a radio device and adopts the suggestion of a smile.

He scampers back into the van, leaving the fishy fiend raging at the suggestion of any further tricks.

But there will be no more fighting - from the roof of the old vehicle launches a small iron rocket, emblazoned with the flag of old blighty.

It whistles off past the arena walls and into the darkening sky, leaving the General to wheel back and forth again and again over the flattened remains of his enemy...


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