Tuesday
May042010

Zoofights Five, Round One, Fight Two

Round One, Fight Two:

BLOOD 4 OIL



fighting for the last drops of oil

What oil remains in the post-nuclear world is hoarded by survivors of the production cartels, on artificial fortress islands in the scum-choked Persian Gulf. BLOOD 4 OIL haunts the surrounding marshes, harvesting oil-producing algae with its tungsten proboscis. To avoid wasting precious gasoline, it is fuelled by blood; wherever it lands, clouds of tiny offspring billow from its back to descend on anything nearby with a pulse while it guzzles fuel oil. Capable of drilling through steel, this thing can drink a car's tank in seconds and turn a field of goats into dust for dessert. Makes malaria look fun.

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VERSUS
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Snake Preview




fighting the future... in infrared

After an aircraft laden with salvaged wartime technology was shot down by cargo cultists deep in the Peruvian Amazon, local shamans wasted no time in claiming the time-bending machinery aboard for their god - a green anaconda grown vast on meals of sacred cattle. But their attempt to give it sight beyond time backfired horribly when they turned on the unshielded chronoreactors and bits of cooked snake flew everywhere. Rearing back in a nimbus of green light, the half-skeletal serpent was cursed with the ability to see the immediate future - but only in infrared. It had become Snake Preview.

Fight location

This fight will take place in the chuck D memorial terrordome, which we couldn't quite afford to shield against the dangerously high radiation output of Snake Preview. Therefore, since the giger count is going to be insane in there anyway, we've dumped a load of toxic waste onto the arena floor to make things more interesting.

TACTICAL ANALYSIS


Snake preview will have an advantage against Blood 4 Oil's speed with his infra-red sight beyond time, but this will get confused when the mosquito's offspring are full of hot blood and swarming. Still, they will be full of hot radioactive blood, so things are going to get grimmer for the insect the longer the fight goes on - leukemia is pretty much a certainty. Also, don't forget that the whole time, spectators round the arena will be getting bathed in sleeting radiation. Should be fun!


Wednesday
May052010

Snake Preview fights Blood 4 Oil

 

Good evening, Sports Fans, and welcome to the second fight of Zoofights V, coming to you live from the Chuck D Memorial Terrordome.

Tonight, this sludge filled circle of rusted sheet metal will be the grave of one of our unlucky contestants - but which will it be?

The oil-hungry arthropod from the Persian gulf, or the Brutal Boid with horrid timesight?

Only Snake Preview knows, deep in his ruined cortex, and he isn't saying anything.

The fight starts with a gurgle rather than a bang, as Blood 4 Oil emerges from the gamma-heavy tar of the arena floor, as he once did when emerging from his larval form in an oil-choked sea.

It is counting on the masking effect of the sludge to hide his heat signature as it sneaks up on the prescient reptile.

But despite his designers having watched old VHS tapes of Predator nearly eight times, the extreme radioactivity of the Terrordome Gunge gives him away - Snake Preview knows he is coming, and whips round to face him in a shifting mass of exposed bone and rotten scales.... 

With eerily fast reaction times, Blood 4 Oil withdraws rapidly, and pumps tens of thousands of freshly hatched Anopheles from his abdomen.

The cloned swarms descend in a black sheet, their metabolisms overclocked to force an incredibly short and thirsty life.

Without any kind of point defence mechanism, Snake Preview is overwhelmed - the sheer number of assailants turn sheets of flesh to papery waste in seconds, and it looks for a moment as if the eldritch reptile will lose the plot and fall down like a sack of shit.

 

But reptiles are tough old bastards, and Snake Preview has not had enough yet.

His blood, viscous and aged as it is, has made a hard meal for his enemy, and the sluggish traces that remain are enough to nourish his twisted frame.

Hissing audibly over the deafening rattle of giger counters in the Terrordome, the ruined anaconda rises and prepares to strike at its foe with terrible foresight.

However, with the air full of clusters of insects bulging with hot blood, a prediction is proving harder to form than usual in Snake Preview's brain...

Join us now, as we take a horrible sojourn into the mind of Snake Preview.

No-one below the ability of a class-7 ultrabrane could possibly percieve infra-red signals through the fourth dimension, so we've had our conjurers and mystics put together this live feed from the inside of SP's skull. The clocks represent time, and everything else is heat - makes sense, right?

Well, much like you, Snake Preview is distracted by the sheer number of large heat signatures drifting through the air around him.

He sways his ragged neck from left to right, trying to anticpate the mosquito's strike, but can find no certainty in the glowing horror of his senses...

While Snake Preview is pontificating like a giant bellend, Blood 4 Oil uses his nightmare-inducing speed to turn the future into the present, before his titanic opponent has a chance to say otherwise.

The insect's whirling tungsten drill plunges into Preview's clogged innards, sending spasms up and down the giant snake's cadavre. The struggle sends spatters of tar-encrusted scale all over the place, and the crowd crane their necks to catch sight of a victor...

As the struggle dies out in the centre of the Terrordome, a battered Blood 4 Oil rises into a shaft of light.

The insect leaks crude oil and protoplasm from a hundred crush wounds, and the audience wonders briefly why the snake has withdrawn from its crushing grip - is it dead at last?

The great green carcass lies still, while Blood 4 Oil seeps ichor and weakens as it processes gallons upon gallons of DNA-destroying snake blood.

Sensory hairs begin to drop from the drone's head in clumps, and the whine of its wings fluctuates weakly. But the brawl is over, and Round 2 is only a short, delirious flight away.

Until the snake begins to stir again...

With seemingly impossible resilience, the Snake leers up once more from the murk of the arena floor, brandishing a nightmarish grin at the battered insect.

It does not have the strength for another bout in Snake Preview's tentacles, and merely hovers weakly as a ghastly message begins to form in the air.

"Your going 2 die" projects Snake preview - does it truly see the immediate future for Blood 4 Oil's ravaged form, or is this one last unearthly bluff?

As the despair-ridden standoff plays out in the gloom of the arena, the audience fall into panic.

They, too, have seen their own mortality in gazing at Snake Preview's display, and do not know what to do for the best.

As the seemingly indestructible reptile gloats, hands visibly wither under the bites of roving mosquito clouds, and skin darkens under the onslaught of sleeting gamma radiation.

Blood 4 Oil dangles heavily in the air, and confronts the fact that it, one day, will die.

It doesn't give a shit.

BRAINSTAB

Fuck you, predestination.

Swooping with the effortless indifference of insects everywhere, Blood 4 Oil ignores Snake Preview's prediction and jams 10 feet of tungsten through its skull instead.

With both heart and mind punctured, the serpent is finally brought down for good, its eye sockets winking out in a heartbeat.

BLOOD 4 OIL WINS!!!

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