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Requiem for a bartender

Dearly Beloved Sports Fans, we are gathered here today at Gezora's Bar & Grill, to mourn the passing of a very special gargantuan monster.

Gezora himself was a fine bartender, a philosopher, and a friend to all children. When he wasn't coming up with new ways to damage the mammalian nervous system through mixed drinks, he could be found offering sage advice to his regulars, or jovially eating them.

He was a consummate professional at eating people, and there are few patrons of zoofights that will not crack a smile in remembering the first time they cowered from his sweeping tentacles.

So tonight, Sports Fans, we will honour him with the most appropriate tombstone we could find, installed behind the bar he loved so much.

Carried here from the spot where the tragic commentating accident cut Gezora down in his prime, this tasteful and discrete memorial is made from tons of steel, concrete and snapping turtle, carved from the deck of a horrible aircraft carrier. It's what he would have wanted.

While I'm here, I also wanted to share some of my mementoes of happier times with Gezora - feel free to pin yours to the board alongside. RIP, enormous dude.



I was dug out in a bunker, watching the mutants make war.
Sipping on a Manhattan, with a nuclear core.
It was just something simple, mixing wasn't my skill.
So when they called out the sponsor, it was really a thrill:

If you like Pineal Coladas, and tentacles in the brain.
If you're not into seafood, if you'll drink acid rain.
If you like riots, fights, and dissonance, to the tunes of Kanye.
Here's the bar that you've looked for, it's a constant par-tay.

Didn't think about my safety, Gezora's beckoned to me.
I got bucked in my Pinto, for this was a place I had to see.
When I pulled up the driveway, people welcomed me in.
Sure they lifted my wallet, but then they plied me with gin.

Yes, I like Pineal Coladas, and tentacles in the brain.
I'm a zoofighting fiend now, heavy tolerance for pain.
Also the drinks here are incredible, not to mention the speed.
At a bar called Gezora's, where we drink as they bleed.

Reader Comments (6)

God speed, Gezora. God speed.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Deleter

Rest now, sweet be-tentacled prince.... your eating angels in Heaven now....

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDerecho

Gezora's body has not been found yet, so there's hope. Huzzah.

Snapture's body has been found and it's infused to a piece of aircraft carrier. Huzzah x 1000.

Let us at least rejoice in the fact that the demise of Snapture is clearly apparent, and Gezora may yet return....with a aircraft carrier's-worth of hate, might I hint?

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSmaji


From one squid to another.


July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

On the SA thread, KungFu Grip pointed out that Kamoebas, Gezora's bro, looks like Snapture.

I would like to point out that Gezora's OTHER brother is ALSO an old friend.


July 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

So the semis are tomorrow and the final is the 27th? That is indeed an agonizing wait. HOWEVER, if it means that the final will be as good as it can be, then by all means let it take that long.

Also it'd be cool if the good Major could toss up any random Zoofights miscellanea he has lying around as bonus content for the thread and/or website (I for one am still interested in what the hell Zoofights 2 was, even if it allegedly fell apart at the end).

One other thing I'd like to see would be any words on possible outcomes that didn't occur - for example, what would have happened if, in Zoofights 4, Ramoninite lost to Ankylodyte? What would have happened if Hyperfauna had felled the Walrus? What if Lily Limbcake entered Fite Your Mates Nite? So many possibilities.

And lastly, let's get that Reject Rumble going, huh? GO CITIZEN CANE!

July 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

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