Dearly Beloved Sports Fans, we are gathered here today at Gezora's Bar & Grill, to mourn the passing of a very special gargantuan monster.
Gezora himself was a fine bartender, a philosopher, and a friend to all children. When he wasn't coming up with new ways to damage the mammalian nervous system through mixed drinks, he could be found offering sage advice to his regulars, or jovially eating them.
He was a consummate professional at eating people, and there are few patrons of zoofights that will not crack a smile in remembering the first time they cowered from his sweeping tentacles.
So tonight, Sports Fans, we will honour him with the most appropriate tombstone we could find, installed behind the bar he loved so much.
Carried here from the spot where the tragic commentating accident cut Gezora down in his prime, this tasteful and discrete memorial is made from tons of steel, concrete and snapping turtle, carved from the deck of a horrible aircraft carrier. It's what he would have wanted.
While I'm here, I also wanted to share some of my mementoes of happier times with Gezora - feel free to pin yours to the board alongside. RIP, enormous dude.
I was dug out in a bunker, watching the mutants make war.
Sipping on a Manhattan, with a nuclear core.
It was just something simple, mixing wasn't my skill.
So when they called out the sponsor, it was really a thrill:
If you like Pineal Coladas, and tentacles in the brain.
If you're not into seafood, if you'll drink acid rain.
If you like riots, fights, and dissonance, to the tunes of Kanye.
Here's the bar that you've looked for, it's a constant par-tay.
Didn't think about my safety, Gezora's beckoned to me.
I got bucked in my Pinto, for this was a place I had to see.
When I pulled up the driveway, people welcomed me in.
Sure they lifted my wallet, but then they plied me with gin.
Yes, I like Pineal Coladas, and tentacles in the brain.
I'm a zoofighting fiend now, heavy tolerance for pain.
Also the drinks here are incredible, not to mention the speed.
At a bar called Gezora's, where we drink as they bleed.