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Tuesday
Jun292010

Losers League Royal Rumble - Everyone vs. Everyone else.

ROYAL RUMBLE

 

Welcome, one and all, to the final, deciding fight of the Loser's League We're bringing you direct coverage of the events on the aircraft carrier full of hate, and it's sure to be a show no one will soon forget. With me today is special guest commentator, Gezora, owner and operator of Gezora's Bar and Grill. Thanks for your time, Gezora!

Gezora is glad to be here. Gezora was not sure it would be able to fit inside the commentator's box. Gezora hopes you are comfortable in here with it. Gezora does not want you to worry about the tentacles. Gezora is pretty sure they have a mind of their own.

We're presenting live from the Zoofights Pyramid, covering the Royal Rumble down on the carrier. Some spectators decided to go get a ringside seat, but we know better than to get that close to the action.

Gezora does not know better. Gezora was lured here with the promise of succulent popcorn vendors.

 

Gezora thinks we ought to jump straight into the action. Gezora sees that Gamma Constrictor is already off to a good start, keeping the other fighters at bay with a steady beam of time disrupting energy. Gezora wonders how long the snake can keep going at this pace?

Well, Gezora, I'd say he has all the time in the world, ha ha! Seriously though, he's laying down a lot of fire, but it doesn't look like it's got much purpose. Mostly it's just an annoyance to the other competitors, though a stray beam still has the potential to wreck someone's day. One of Purrslaysion's orbiting heads got struck dead on and was little more than a bleached skull in moments, and Purrslaysion is looking a bit brittle itself.

Bango & Crash are watching each other's backs out there, but with the sheer chaos of the melee something is bound to get through.

One of Gamma Constrictor's time beams strikes Boto a glancing blow, wizening him up a bit. But it looks like he's got plans for that axe! Gorillesis is holding Tetramundi at bay to give his partner the opening he needs...

to chop your head off! The photonic feline's osteoporosed skull crumbled like chalk and the axe sunk deep into its brain, taking it out in one blow. What coordination between the two chums! It looks like all their practice has paid off in spades.

Gezora never liked the gorilla and dolphin teaming up, but it has to admit they make a good team. Gezora wonders if friendship will keep them alive through the conflict. Gezora believes only time will tell, and one of the other contenders controls it.

In an out of the way corner of the flight deck, two terrified humans are huddled. But their scent has drawn some unwanted attention...

Gezora does not like where this is going. Gezora thinks the Onion should stop playing with it's food.

I think that whatever an onion thinks with has a bit more cooking in it than play. By making short work of Squidiot's handlers, the AgriCultural Revolution takes control of their corpses, and therefore their radio, and therefore Squidiot. And the first command given is to die a noble death in sacrifice for the greater good.

Knowing that rogue generals are the greatest threat to the glorious motherland, the AgriCultural Revolution has sent Squidiot on a suicide run against Chernoble. Rockets fly wide from terrible aim or are shot down by Chernoble's cannons. But in only a second Squidiot will plow straight in, cooking off his entire arsenal and taking both beasts to hell.

Gezora can't bare to look. Gezora needs another drink.

But Chernoble has other ideas!

Amazing! A grotesque undulation of Chernoble's mass of tumors brings his calvalry saber flashing through the air at the last possible instant, cleaving Squidiot completely in half! This one's definitely a contender to watch out for!

Gezora does not believe it! Gezora is saddened to see it's tentacled friend taken out of the running so quickly. Gezora hopes the Onion has a few more tricks up it's sleeve, because shit just got real. Gezora needs popcorn or eyeballs or something to munch on. Gezora wonders why it's co-commentator is scooching away from it.

Ha ha ha...

Chernoble knows that such a moron as Squidiot could not have been operating under its own power. He surveys the scene to find the ultimate transgressor.

He finds quite a sight! Gamma Constrictor has taken to attempting to kill those easily swallowable. Bango & Crash are scampering about, barely ahead of the anaconda's aging blasts. The aircraft carrier itself is not so lucky. Look at those jets crumbling to rusty scrap!

Gezora did not know Gamma Constrictor had that kind of power. Gezora wonders what that would do to a barrel of un-aged whiskey. Gezora is not sure it wants to find out.

Always the practical one, Gezora. But look! Chernoble has sighted on his adversary, and begun to roll towards the onion, bellowing all the way.

The AgriCultural Revolution tries to bring its two soldiers to bear, but they are crushed beneath Chernoble's treads like so many before them. The onion tries to crawl away on writhing tendrils, but it was made to plant and brood, not fight out in the open like this! And suddenly, without ceremony, its time is up.

Gezora cannot stop drooling. Gezora needs dipping sauce. Gezora needs it NOW.

Let's see what are other competitors are up to in the meanwhile!

Well, that explains why we haven't seen much of Snapture! Tetramundi has gotten him into a chokehold with one pair of arms and is pummeling his head mercilessly with the other. Snapture seems to be taking it like a champ, though. How long can the brawling barramundi hold on?

Gezora has wondered for a while how the four-armed fish would measure up to our steadfast snapper. Gezora likes what it sees. Gezora watches the two brawlers duke it out and its ichor boils for a fight. Gezora can't help but get excited. Gezora hopes it's co-commentator does not mind its tentacles thrashing about like this. Gezora assures you they are not trying to strangle you, they are only being frisky.

Urk... gk

 

gasp. Ooooh, Snapture had finally had enough and delivers a vicious backflipper to Tetramundi, sending him flying ass over tea-kettle and bouncing across the deck. Amazingly, he's up almost immediately and headed back towards the fray. This fish certainly knows how to put on a show!

But the action doesn't pause for two brutes in the ring. Bango&Crash have finally found decent enough cover to throw Gamma Constrictor off the trail, and he's looking for a fresh target.

Seeing Snapture preoccupied, the hate bubbles through Gamma Constrictor like a sulfur spring. Whipping about, he rams a tail into Snapture, sending the turtle speeding through the air like a line drive.

Gezora was never a fan of baseball. Gezora finds it too boring and the snack food is always lacking. Gezora wonders why the spectators always run when it eats the umpire.

That's... great, Gezora. Holy crap! Snapture has flown straight through the aircraft carrier's bridge, bringing most of it and the entire coms array down on his head. He might be down for the count!

Tetramundi is bewildered at the sudden disappearance of his chosen foe. And as such he's taken by surprise by the electronic bellow of a gorillorpion out for revenge!

Gezora finally gets to see Tetramundi get its just desserts. Gezora hopes we have all been waiting for this ever since these two first fought in the cage.

Gezora wants to get its just desserts as well. Gezora wonders where that valet went. Gezora remembers. Gezora ate the valet. Gezora wonders if there's another one around here somewhere?


Gezora? Gezora, get back h... you know what, nevermind, it's fine.

Bounding across the deck, Gorillesis is actually throwing disembodied lion heads. Well, I guess you can't expect them to go to waste! As Tetramundi tries to dodge the feline barrage, Gorillesis closes in and taps out a quick sequence on controller one.

FATALITY

Gezora loves the burp ones that struggle. Gezora didn't know the Major's pyramid was a veritable buffet of bite-sized bipeds!

Oh, welcome back, Gezora... Gorillesis was just finishing off Tetramundi, and seems quite excited about it.

He's throwing back his head in a soundless roar, beating his chest over the fallen body of the fish that took his arm and head. But then, a frenzied spate of clicks and whistles brings Gorillesis back to himself.

Gorillesis has committed the cardinal sin of buddy cops - he left a man behind. With his thirst for revenge driving him back to the bad old days of Mortal Kombat, an aged Boto was left defenseless. And now Gamma Constrictor is putting the squeeze on in a big way. Gorillesis barely has a chance to leap towards his trapped cetacean pal before a time blast envelops him.

Gezora wonders if this is it for the sickeningly compatible buddy cops? Gezora always thought that buddy cops had to be polar opposites thrust into a situation where they have to work together and slowly grow to appreciate their differences before finally learning to work together, instead of just beating each other senseless and sharing a pint.

Gezora must say, the second scenario is much more the style of Zoofights. Gezora will drink to that.


Cheers.

But before the two can be aged to dust and/or crushed to paste, the assault ceases! And it's all thanks to

Chernoble! Barreling back into the fray, the stalwart sturgeon has taken Gamma Constrictor head-on. Bango&Crash hobble away to lick their wounds while the two titans tussle tremendously.

Gamma Constrictor is firing a steady stream of chronoreactive particles straight at Chernoble's ruined face, but the rage and despair issuing as a ceaseless chant from his piscine maw are enough to turn aside even the march of time itself.

With their oral assaults canceling each other, the two turn to more conventional attacks. Gamma Constrictor does what came naturally before the incident, wrapping great coils around Chernoble, who in turn begins to carve away at the anaconda's flesh with his trusty saber. Locked in a mortal embrace, it is only a matter of time before one of these great beasts will fall.

And the one to fall is Chernoble! Oh, the humanity! Ripped from his chariot, arm and neck snapped, Chernoble's feirce cries fade to a whimper. One final utterance of his mantra slips out, and then all is stillness.

Gezora believes the sun has finally set on the Russian Empire. Gezora would shed a tear for the fallen soldier, but it does not want to melt a hole in the floor and its auditory ducts are still swollen from all that yelling. Gezora is pretty sure thats where tears come from. Gezora has not used them for a long time except as an ingredient in cocktails.

Delicious. Now, Gamma Constrictor is disentangling himself from the mangled remains of the fallen general, and finding he has been carried along by the tank to the former site of the carrier's bridge, now reduced to rubble.

Rubble which begins to shift...

...disgorging a newly conscious and incredibly pissed off Snapture! Snapture is upon Gamma Constrictor in a moment, taking hold of Gamma Constrictor's tail.

Incredible! What moves! No wonder Tetramundi had the snapper singled out as the opponent to give the most pizazz to his battle. Gamma Constrictor's been knocked for a loop and Snapture is moving in for the kill.

Gezora is glad the balance of power has finally shifted away from Gamma Constrictor. Gezora does not like one-sided fights. Gezora likes to see its prey struggle a bit before the inevitable. Gezora thinks it's co-commentator needs to stop squirming. Gezora is getting hungry.

Seeing an opportunity, Bango&Crash move in on the preoccupied Snapture. They are certainly delivering some priceless bon mots right now but unfortunately one is a dolphin and the other has a gaming console for a head, so we'll never know for sure.


However, Snapture is not one to be taken unawares twice in one battle. Wheeling about to face the duo, he beckons with one clawed foot while dumping a pharmacy's worth of contraband down his gullet with the other. Looks like they're going to have to do this the hard way.

But the outcome of that match will never be known, because all the dynamic duo truly managed to do was give Gamma Constrictor enough time to recover. He is upon them like lightning and all three are bathed in pure time.

Having both already suffered premature aging brought on by high levels of time-manipulating snake, Bango&Crash crumble away to dust.

Gezora is surprised at itself. Gezora is actually saddened to see the cops' friendship not last the test of time. Gezora admits the cops did not last the test of time themselves, but it will not fret semantics. Gezora wonders if nothing can stop this time-bending taipan?

Well, Gezora, only Gamma Constrictor and Snapture still remain. Snapture is also awash in chronoradiation, but results are not quite what the anaconda was hoping for...

Snapture looks up through the stream of time, uncaring eyes meeting the seething pits from which Gamma Constrictor once saw. Rage beyond rage burns through Gamma Constrictor's mind and with it the accelerator rings kick into high gear, amplifying their output a hundred-fold.

Gezora has seen that stare before. Gezora is watching the march of centuries stream out of the snakes eyes to take its toll on our beloved turtle. Gezora wonders if The Snapture will weather time's inevitable pull better than our dearly departed dynamic duo?

Moving through time at what must be decades or even centuries per second, Snapture still stares placidly at the snake. What must be going through his mind as the ages of civilizations slip past in the blink of an eye? Perhaps that seems like little enough to Snapture...

As Gamma Constrictor pours everything it has into the turtle, looking only for the turn to despair in the chelonian's eyes that will signal victory, he misses what his gift of time is actually accomplishing, until it is too late.

Gezora cannot believe it. Gezora knows turtles grow larger as they age, but it had no idea The Snapture was capable of reaching such tremendous size. Gezora doubts even it would be able to stop this titanic turtle now. Gezora wonders how Gamma Constrictor will be getting out of this one?

Snapture stretches out his creaking joints, rusty from untold ages of disuse, and rumbles with a voice like an avalanche,

'At'll be enough outta you.

Snapture delivers the beating of a lifetime to the great wyrm, now only as a worm before him. Reaching deep into Gamma Constrictor's gullet, the focusing device is ripped free, no longer to spit time like bile. The great sinewy muscles are shredded, no longer to squeeze like a fist in anger. And finally, the chronoton accretion rings are crushed in Snapture's bony beak, no longer to

Gezora tastes purple. Gezora always wondered what it tasted like.

Gezora must have blacked out for a second. Gezora did not think it drank that much during the fight. Gezora is wondering what just happened?

Well, if I had to wager a guess, I'd say that biting into the tech meant to confine and route all that accumulated time must have released it in a chaotic and very unsafe way. We seem to have lost the entire carrier, and I'm not sure how that will affect the results of this bracket... wait, our camera feed just came back online.

It looks like we've got a Philly on our hands here. All the organics aboard have fused into the ship, including the Snapture. The metal is shot through with blood and muscle and vice versa. It's really... something out... bleurgh!

Gezora laments its loss. Doubts it will be able to extract enough of that delicious, succulent meat from the carrier's deck to make much of a barbecue. Gezora wonders what it will cook now. Gezora really thinks its co-commentator needs to stop flinching like that.

Blech... excuse me. Apart from those concerns, Gezora, we also need to find out where this is transmitting from so we can collect what's left when the fight is over. Snapture's vital monitoring hasn't flatlined yet so there may still be a- wait, why are those klaxons sounding? Perimeter breach?

Oh fuck it's right above us oh fuck oh f

kssshhhxxxxttt

kssshhhxxxxttt

 

 

 

 

 

 

This concludes this years Loser's League. Gamma Constrictor has emerged Lord of the Losers, only to disappear in a quantum pop. But he'll be back. The pyramid is currently in dire straights. The ships contents, a hull's worth of hate, have disappeared. It is suspected that they have been directly transfused into Gamma Constrictor.

If anyone has any experience dealing with evil time lords, please come forward now.

What we can only assume to be a memorial service for Gezora will be held in his bar. The Major will be presiding.

Reader Comments (5)

Here were my thoughts on the Rumble as it progressed (watched it LIVE woohoo):

-I listened to the Castle Crashers final boss music while watching this. Fits well!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaChvhRQcw8

-Ooh, nice group shot. Gamma Constrictor is wasting no time here. Aw, lookit Squidiot. :3

-So there’s just a random axe lying on the ground? Um, okay. At least it was put to good use! A shame, really, though – Purrslaysion was such a cool design, but there were so many other awesome fighters here…

-Ahahaha Snapture doesn’t even care about what’s going on that’s so like him

-Oh Christ the Onion is still evil AND super-intelligent. This looks bad, I think Squidiot’s about to die…

-FUCK HE’S GOING FOR CHERNOBLE (The “ya ok” shot is a wonderful callback to his once-menacing appearance, as he did a very similar charge in Round 2).

-They’re gonna collide oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

-YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sturge showin’ he’s still got that ol’ moxie! Goodbye, Squidiot. You were fun while you lasted.

-…Sturge is going for the onion. Oh man. OH MAN. Well, if he’s going out, he’s going out a hero. And he’s shown he is, in fact, still a bright spark, tumors be DAMNED! Sturgeon General… I’ll never forget you.

-YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! *shakes fists around wildly, starts slow clap* STURGEON STURGEON STURGEON

-Ooh, not bad there Tetramundi.

-Ahahaha awesome attack by Gamma Constrictor! The image of a snapping turtle, wearing shutter shades, flipping off a zombie time snake while flying backwards is something I would have never seen without Zoofights. Thank you.

-Oh god Gorillesis is throwing lion heads this just keeps getting better TAKE THAT FISH-HEAD YEAH!

-Oh my… The image of poor Ro-Boto caught by Gamma Constrictor is… moving. You can really feel the poor guy’s plight. And pfffft XD Gorillesis aging

-Uh-oh. Sturge… the snake got a LOT of votes… I think you’re in over your head…

-Awwwwww. *sadly shakes head* Couldn’t quite do it. But, with two last KOs, the General fought bravely, courageously, and intelligently one more time. And he saved us all from an oniony death. Goodbye, comrade. *salutes*

-Ah, there’s Snapture again, who has done shockingly little in this fight so far. Pretty awesome attack on the snake.

-And another one of my favorites has gone out. You fought well, little guys. :(

-Hey wait I think they’re losing in ascending number of votes – this is matching up perfectly with my rough guess from earlier of who got how many votes! Cool.

-Some people predicted Snapture would be immune to time. I gotta say, things look bad for timesnake. Let’s see how it plays out.

-OH HOLY SHIT EPIC FINAL SNAKE ATTACK GET DOWN

-…what

-…ew. Okay, uh, Snapture obviously. I see some Chernoble in the back there. That appears to be one of Tetramundi’s feet off to the side… WAIT HOLD ON WHO THE FUCK WON WHAT ON EARTH (this is amazing, you people are absolutely incredible)

-…*dawning comprehension* Oh you did NOT just kill off Gezora.

-*is practically shitting self with suspense, switches music over to the final boss’ creepy cutscene theme*

-WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHH HOLY SHIT WOW. That was… there are no words for that. Wow. A hearty congratulations to Gamma Constrictor. I seriously thought he’d never come back from that.

-I shoulda gone to bed three hours ago, but that was goddamn worth it. Bravo.

-…WHAT HAPPENED TO GEZORA and akumu TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO GEZORA and also akumu

Final Thoughts:
Here's a scorecard for KOs. Shockingly, The Snapture didn't get a single kill.
Gamma Constrictor: 3
Bango and Crash: 2 (one each)
Chernoble: 2
Everyone else: Nada

Once again people voted against the sturgeon, once again he showed incredible badassness, and once again people saw “wait this guy is AWESOME” and started rooting for him… but it was too late to change votes. I feel vindicated.

You know, one thing that bugs me about The Snapture – he was built up as this mysterious force with mysterious motives, and had a lot of story potential, but it turned out he was just an ass who hates everything, who entered the tournament because he felt like it. And that he’s been an ass who hates everything for a long time. A little underwhelming, considering the hype – I almost thought HE’D be this year’s final boss, or that he'd show some emotion or something and develop into a hero character.

Lastly, I just thought of an incredible possibility… Gezora has mentioned in the past that he can time travel (the end of the Hog Wild fight, for example). What if Gezora fights Gamma Constrictor in a time battle?! Like Seanet vs. Elohim, it would rid the tourney of all-powerful evil without messing up the Winner’s League final.

Oh god that better happen

That better happen or else… uh… I’ll be really sad.

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

Gotta agree with you, Gooper, the sturge was awesome!
Guess gamma's on to the three-way final.
That means zoofights will finally bring us the answer to an age-old question:
Which is more powerful? Time manipulation or boat building?

My bet's on boat building.

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLurker

"WHAT HAPPENED TO GEZORA and akumu TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO GEZORA and also akumu"

Haha, thanks GB. I didn't do much character building (or any) so I'm not surprised most people are mostly worried about Gezora. But it's nice to get even some lower-case concern.

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAkumu

SNAPTURE AGHGHHH NOOO.

he'll be back. HE'LL BE BACK!>!:

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercb3s

@ Gooper Blooper:

"You know, one thing that bugs me about The Snapture – he was built up as this mysterious force with mysterious motives, and had a lot of story potential,"

I can assure you, we had the most awesome ideas for him, and were about to let you all in on his backstory, and make use of all that potential. But then that horrible, horrible day came, where a certain audience member had to mess with the votes.
The moment The Snapture had to lose to that damn seal, we (or some of us) were struck with frustration and kinda didn't manage to recover for a while. For me, personally, that was the darkest moment of all ZF (even more so thatn when The Rabble's badger died), and at least partially ruined this year's tournament. The plans we had for him would have made The Snapture one of my favourite fictional characters of all time. A hero character, by the way.

The fact that he made no kill in the rumble was kinda accidental, but I think it fits him. Ignoring all the fighters, and then charging the last one standing. I hope we managed to show at least some of his glory in the last moments of this fight. Well, with the tractor factor, you can't always get what you want.

July 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTentakulon

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