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Monday
Jun282010

Semi Finals

Good evening, Sports Fans!

First the bad news - the Loser's Rumble will happen tomorrow night. We've got seven contenders to kill off in that thing, and I'll be damned if we don't do it with the requisite amount of visual splendour.

On the other hand, however,

IT'S TIME FOR THE SEMI FINALS!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, you have forty-eight hours to vote on the outcome of these battles. Based on your decisions, the two confrontations below will each yield a finalist for this year's tournament.

When the Loser's Rumble finally takes place, it will reveal the LOSER'S CHAMP for Zoofights V.

When both the semi finals and the rumble are concluded, a final announcement will be made, setting the two finalists against the Loser's Champ in a savage three-way battle to determine who will be crowned KING OF BEASTS

This is it folks - put your money where your mouth is, and show your support. Once this double vote is complete, there will only be one vote left to make - the vote that decides which beast wins this godforsaken tournament once and for all. Godspeed.


SEMI FINAL ONE

FISTS O'BATAHAN

After having his back broken in round two, travelling Bat-boxer Punchules the Magnificent has had his spare spinal column installed by gypsy bone doctors, and is ready for even more fistticuffs than before.

What's more, his sponsors aboard their continent-roving airships have managed to scavenge a proper tidy microfusion plant to aid him, which they have strapped to his chest and hooked up to two copper knuckledusters.

Armed with fresh grenades, a high-calibre rifle and a pair of cursed revolvers, as well as the aforementioned nuclear-powered punch, FISTS O'BATAHAN has become a personification of reckless violence.

And he is not happy. In the yawning days since the conclusion of round two, hired chumps working for the American team have burnt down O'Batahan's air-caravan, containing all of his worldly possessions and booze stocks.

Prepare for biffing.

VS

THE SEVENTH SEAL

While his Round Two clash with the Snapture required extensive suturing and mechanical repairs to recover from, The Seventh Seal required no major upgrades to pass through into the semi finals.

Thus, with little surgineering to complete in earnest, the American team have bedecked their unstoppable fightlord in the beard and hat of their nation's mythical 16th President, in a desperate bid to give him gravitas and poise.

Nevertheless, old Slaybraham Sincoln here remains a multi-ton mound of lipids and testosterone, with his mind on his murder and his murder on his mind. He will stop at nothing to smash his opponents into paste.

FIGHT CONDITIONS

This fight will take place at the very core of the Zoofights Pyramid, in a boxing ring surrounded by towering arrays of seating and audiovisual knick-knacks.

Although O'Batahan is armed with the only long-range weaponry in the fight, his pugnacious nature will ensure close combat sooner than is tactically necessary.

At the same time, don't expect this to be a fair fight - Prez is absolutely ruthless in his pursuit of the Zoofights trophy, and O'Batahan is hardly known for playing fair.

For the Bat, this will be all about dodging the most lethal of his enemy's blows while finding a way to seriously wound the seal, while the Seventh Seal will be out to liquidise his foe as quickly and as savagely as possible.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEMI FINAL TWO

COMMODORE CROCTOPUS

We have not seen croctopus since he blew up the fastness of Sturgeongrad during Round Two.

We imagine he will have built a boat since then, although we couldn't begin to speculate on its specifics or quality of function.

Beyond that, we imagine he has access to the weapons he used last round, including a rocket-propelled chainsaw launcher, an automatic nailgun, a plasma welding torch and an angle grinder on a chain, among other delights.

We can only guess as to his strategy.

VS

BRUTISH PETROLEUM

The vast sums of money available to the sponsors of Round Two's Draaainage have been essential in augmenting their contender into a true engine of destruction.

Now fully armoured in hardened alloys and bedecked with a devastating abdominal flak gun/flamethrower, Brutish Petroleum is a far cry, from the fragile, spindly thing that first entered the tournament.

In hopes of making it through into the endgame, Zoofights' first ever female semi-finalist has been given two extra suction harpoons with which to dessicate pray, plus devastating blood hoses in its limbs to ensure maximum bleed from even the smallest nick in skin.

And that's not even mentioning her three-foot, razor-mouthed larvae. Watch out, croctopus!

FIGHT CONDITIONS

This fight will take place at the Stockbridge & Barrington memorial oil well, a derelict rig rusting into the coastline of some godforsaken magrove swamp. It will also happen at night, on an evening when we can be guaranteed acres of rolling green mist.

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That's about all from me tonight, Sports Fans - don't forget to vote twice (one for each semi), and I will get the violence to you as soon as I can!

Reader Comments (15)

Fight # 1

I'm actually in a dither here. Who is the brutiest here? Bat-boy has a lot going on for him, perhaps to much, but the Walrus is just so EVIL and blatantly has more staying power, then again the bat has so many tricks and options to exploit the walrus' single mindedness. As much as I loathe the blubber truck (simply a nice tool to rid us of that sodding turtle), I don't really trust gypsy spinal surgery and I think this may prove bat-boy's downfall.

Seventh Seal! As he is the most horrifying in that beard and hat.

Fight # 2


"Firstly you must always implicitly BUILD BOATS, without attempting to form any opinion of your own regarding their propriety. Secondly, you must consider every man your enemy who speaks ill of your BOAT; and thirdly you must hate a MOSQUITO as you hate the devil."

- As said by Admiral Neslon himself after stuffing the mozzies on the battle for the Nile.

"KISS ME HARDY!"

CROCCCCCCCCCTOPUUUUUUUUUSSSSSS!!!!!

June 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatch-Analysis

Some tough decisions here - I've never attended a Zoofights tourney "live" before this one, and it's at time like this I get a little down over the fact that, inevitably, all but one of these glorious creatures is doomed. It's very sad if you stop and think about it.

In the battle of bat and seal I will support the Prez for the first time. The bat is neat and I loved his clever tricks in the second round, but <B>##THE SEVENTH SEAL</B> is too angry for such tactics to give him pause. I also would like to see the Seal advance because, if Snapture wins the Rumble, I can only imagine the chaos that would be Snapture Versus Seal 2: Revenge of the Turtle. It'd probably be a lot more exciting than a drinking contest, that's for sure.

In the second fight... I know he's getting a lot of support and is gathering a Wolfbike- and Snapture-style hate-group due to his popularity, but I cannot, I will not vote against the Croctopus after what he pulled off in Round 2. Defeating a seasoned, intelligent warrior like the Sturge takes serious skill. The mosquito is a great fighter, the first girl in Zoofights, and even managed to save the tournament in Round 2. I hate to vote against her, but Croctopus deserves to make it out of this mess alive. He's just... he's just so beautiful. *sniff*

<B>##COMMODORE CROCTOPUS</B>... permission to come aboard. *salutes*

As for people claiming Croctopus is nothing more than a gimmick, there's some things I'd like to point out. First, we seem to have "I'M BUILDING A BOTE" behind us now because unlike in Round 2 Croctopus' handlers did not take away his boat. He now has a boat. It's built. It's his. Now we will finally see what he can DO with such a boat. And this will be no little lion-boat, no sir. This will be a boat built from the iron plates, hovering stingrays, and iron turrets of the mighty Sturgeongrad. Croctopus has got himself a fucking airship, and his maiden voyage will be a spectacular one to behold.

Secondly, <B>it's a crocodile with octopus arms, off his rocker, with a chainsaw launcher.</B> Even if he wasn't also insane, that is the stuff a quality zoofighter is made of.

The larvae sound intimidating, but Croctopus has made his fortune off of fighting large groups of weak opponents. He's been doing it all tournament and he's proven over and over that the advantage of numbers is useless against him. It doesn't matter if it's lions, stingrays, or even humans with guns - Croctopus is spectacular at crowd control and will easily defeat any and all larvae crawling his way. Normally killing the babies of a mother is a very bad idea, but mosquitoes have no parental devotion. If the mother was a spider, or an ant, or - funny enough - a crocodile, maternal instincts would come into play. But she's not, so they won't.

If Bango and Crash do not make it out of that rumble alive... we will need a hero. Croctopus is that hero.
So in conclusion, friends…

DO WHAT YOU WANT ‘CAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE
CROC IS A PIRATE
Yar har, fiddle dee dee,
Commodore Croctopus sails through the sea
Toward the trophy of King of the Beasts
Croc is a pirate!

Croc is a pirate.

He’s got him a map (A MAP)
To lead him to a hidden box
That's all locked up with locks! (WITH LOCKS)
And buried deep away!

He'll dig up the box, (the box!)
He knows it's full of precious booty!
Burst open the locks!
And then he'll say hooray!

*quick cut to loyal stingray sailors (Chernoble lost his last few soldiers, right? Well here’s where they went!)*

(Stingrays)Yar, har, fiddle dee dee.
He’s a winner, can’t you see?
Croc is a pirate!

WEIGH ANCHOOOOOR

Yar har, fiddle dee doo,
The Croc is real happy and you should be too
Together we’ll triumph the Fights of the Zoo,
Croc is a pirate!
Arr yarr, ahoy and avast,
He’ll plunder the skeeter till she breathes her last!
HE USED A LION TO MAKE UP THE MAST
You are a pirate!

HAHAHA

He’s sailing away (AWAY)
Adventure waits on every shore!
He’ll set sail and explore (EXPLORE)
And find bote nales all day
He rides on his boat (the boat!)
Until it’s time to drop the anchor,
Then visit the port,
AND KILL ALL OF THE VILLAGERS!

*Stingrays have formed a conga line*

(Stingrays)Yar, har, fiddle dee dee.
He’s a winner, can’t you see?
Croc is a pirate!

<B>LANNNND HOOOO</B>

Yar har, fiddle dee dun,
He’s got a new boat so you all better run
He’ll plunder everyone under the sun
Croc is a pirate!

YAR HAR
WIND AT YOUR BACK LADS, WHEREEVER YOU GO!

Blue sky above and blue ocean below,
Croc is a pirate!

HAHAHAHAHAHA
Croc is a pirate!
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH

<B>http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/Croctopus.png</B>

June 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

ah fuck my bold tags didn't work

June 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

#FISTS O'BATAHAN:

1) The bat has been one of the most enjoyable combatants in the tournament simply because he goddam well enjoys himself in every ruckus, instead of being a boring barrel of angst (Seventh Seal could I possibly mean you?).

2) What is more powerful than that zoo fights currency of a big muscley pair of arms, why A NUCLEAR POWERED SET OF ELECTRO BICEPS!

3) I genuinely believe that if that Bat gets hold of that top hat that he'll achieve a moxie singularity.

#BRUTISH PETROLEUM:

1) I still love that crocodile, but i worry about his effectiveness. I mean when you're armed with ROCKET CHAINSAWS why do you need to resort to boring old c4 to achieve victory? And what is driving him now that he has his boat?

2) Croctopus is all sea creature, and what is the best way to deal with sea beasties? Harpoon 'em.

3) I'm counting those harpoons as limbs so Petro wins 9/8

4) Gotta support ZooFights' one and only female competitor!

Pod out.

June 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpod

That was beautiful Gooper Blooper. You are a true human in a world of brutes and monsters.

June 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatch-Analysis

Ok, these website comments are just brilliant. Spirit of zoofights, right there. Cheers, Chimpions!

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMajor Failure

Gooper, you're my favourite!
I'm going to watch your back during the next fite your mates night.

I'm voting for ##Fists O'Batahan and ## Commodore Croctopus for the same reason: I like to see panache triumph over brute strength.

Batahan might not have quite the staying power of the president, but he's got wit, agility, tricks up his sleeve and just as much offensive power. Also, the luck of the irish.
And beyond taking ol' snappy down a notch, i never liked the Seal much.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i can't wait to see what Croc'll cook up this time!
I'm throwing my support wholeheartedly behind Gooper's suggestion of Croc sailing in on a fleet of stingray antigrav-ships, and he's probably go some more tricks up his sleeve, too.

Of course, Petro's a lady, and a pimped out and deadly one, but can she compare to building a boat?
Not on Croctopus' watch, she can't.

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLurker

Me? In Fite Your Mates Nite? Oh, to be the ambassador to SA from the humble village that is the Zoofights Blog comments section!

Well, I'll have you know that when I spoke with the dearly departed Chernoble concerning those Russian proverbs, he also gave me a very interesting piece of information...

And that is, the Russian shop he bought his saber from.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/ArmedAndDangerous.png

GORILLION DOLLARS, HERE I FUCKING COME

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

### VOTING's CLOSED ###

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGravitas Shortfall

All righty then! I eagerly await the double bill! It'll be hard to upstage that rumble, but I have faith something ridiculous will happen that keeps it on par.

Also, I keep forgetting to mention this, but... I've made my mom a zoofights fan :3

We make it into a family bonding thing - I comb over the forum threads, paste the fights and all the best spectator commentary into Microsoft Word, print it out and we have story time! Beautiful, violent story time. I'm gonna print out all of Zoofights 5 that's been finished so far (Round 1, Loser's League, Round 2, Rumble) tomorrow and we can start in on that.

Steamcrab is her favorite competitor, and she loves Gezora dearly. She's taken to calling her iced tea "mojito" because of him, and we got a Gezora toy and watched Space Amoeba, too. He's just charming in that silly way with...

*...trails off, slowly assumes fetal position*

Gezora's alright... Gezora's okay... Gezora's FINE. Major Failure wouldn't... he wouldn't DARE... No, Gezora is FIIIINE.

FINE

FINE

GEZORA IS JUST FINE

June 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

I have been watching Zoofights V from afar, far away from all the extensive role playing on SA that all too often scares the bejesus out of me. But now I see that I can make my vote count, and without having to sift through 2 pages of humans asking for virtual beverages (I know it's in the Zoofights spirit, but it's just too much for me to be a part of). I shall cast my first ever official Zoofights vote in the finals, here at ZF blog central!

That being said, some comments: Me and my friends have followed ZFV from the start, and created our own betting and scoring system for each fight. With the scores closer than ever, I need only one simple upset victory to claim the crown amongst my group.

But that upset will have to come in the finals, for myself and many others have O'Batahan and Croctopus moving on to the finals. I will venture to say that Seventh Seal and O'Batahan are the strongest of the competitors out of the 5 that remain, so it saddens me to know that one will perish soon. And that will be a helluva close fight.

Croctopus has lost his lustre with me, but there just wasn't enough in Brutish Petroleum for me to place my bet on her. Barring a miracle only known as "random number", Croc should be moving on.

The elation of the Snapture finally being put out to pasture is indescribable. He was a combination of the overratedness of Wolfbike while bastardizing the sheer bad-assery that was the Walrus. It seemed as if MF might have had big plans for the Snapture at the start of this tournament, but I for one am glad to see that the turtle will not be pulling any victories from this point on.

Gamma Constrictor was dealt the justice it deserved after a tough loss in round 1. Anything hugely radioactive should never be overshadowed, I say. Additionally, it was nice to see a nod to ZFI history with Gorillesis Mk. II, but to then further copy that storyline in the form of a friendship between it and Roboto-cop was disappointing and lazy. Their deaths created a smile on my face.

Ultimately, all possible combinations in the finals will be glorious. In my opinion, the most interesting and worthy competitors have made it through to this point, even if one or two of my favorites are with us no longer. Truly a spectacle to behold, the pageantry and the epicness of Zoofights V has all but surpassed each of its predecessors.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSmaji

Daaaahhhhh I missed all the voting

...

So no one is reading this.

...

Which means I can finally say anything I want! The shackles of censorship, THEY BE OFF! Look out, world!

I... I really wish I had gotten here in time for the voting? I wish I had something better.

For what it's worth (nothing) I support The Commodore and The seal, if only because his fight name puns keep getting better and better as we progress through the tournament. As it turns out, guaranteed generation of future punnery is all the incentive I need to make a choice.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKid Darius

That was a very touching memorial service on the main thread (although seriously no way this shit is true right).

Also, I too will extend a congratulations to Major Failure. Hope the missus enjoys brutes fighting brutes. (Hmm, perhaps the ol' feminine touch was what finally got us a female Zoofighter?)

I'm getting this mental image of Mister and Mrs. Major driving off in their JUST MARRIED car with a bunch of lion heads bouncing around behind it instead of cans.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

"Additionally, it was nice to see a nod to ZFI history with Gorillesis Mk. II, but to then further copy that storyline in the form of a friendship between it and Roboto-cop was disappointing and lazy."

Smaji - Like many things, this was entirely down to the voting. There was a block of voters on the SA thread that voted for friendship, so we included it in the Random Factor (Like A Tractor).

And against all odds it came up.

So please place any blame on those fools that voted for lovey-dovey happiness instead of good old fashioned murderonomy!

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGravitas Shortfall

"So please place any blame on those fools that voted for lovey-dovey happiness instead of good old fashioned murderonomy!"

Oh I do, it just bothered me that it was even considered as an option. After all, anybody could just vote for anything in any fight if this was even considered. Someone could have voted "Wolfbike returns from the grave and kills both competitors" and another "both fighters commit seppuku" and they could have been counted. Even though many people would not back those votes, the slightest chance of those happening could ruin an entire fight.

That was why I was extrememly glad that the ground rules were laid for the second round, the most important one being "no voting for anything other than the options presented". After all, it's fun for the audience to get involved and use some creativity, but not at the expense of what Zoofights is all about: two beasts entering, one beast leaving (or at least flatlining last).

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSmaji

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