Good evening, Sports Fans!
First the bad news - the Loser's Rumble will happen tomorrow night. We've got seven contenders to kill off in that thing, and I'll be damned if we don't do it with the requisite amount of visual splendour.
On the other hand, however,
IT'S TIME FOR THE SEMI FINALS!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, you have forty-eight hours to vote on the outcome of these battles. Based on your decisions, the two confrontations below will each yield a finalist for this year's tournament.
When the Loser's Rumble finally takes place, it will reveal the LOSER'S CHAMP for Zoofights V.
When both the semi finals and the rumble are concluded, a final announcement will be made, setting the two finalists against the Loser's Champ in a savage three-way battle to determine who will be crowned KING OF BEASTS
This is it folks - put your money where your mouth is, and show your support. Once this double vote is complete, there will only be one vote left to make - the vote that decides which beast wins this godforsaken tournament once and for all. Godspeed.
SEMI FINAL ONE
After having his back broken in round two, travelling Bat-boxer Punchules the Magnificent has had his spare spinal column installed by gypsy bone doctors, and is ready for even more fistticuffs than before.
What's more, his sponsors aboard their continent-roving airships have managed to scavenge a proper tidy microfusion plant to aid him, which they have strapped to his chest and hooked up to two copper knuckledusters.
Armed with fresh grenades, a high-calibre rifle and a pair of cursed revolvers, as well as the aforementioned nuclear-powered punch, FISTS O'BATAHAN has become a personification of reckless violence.
And he is not happy. In the yawning days since the conclusion of round two, hired chumps working for the American team have burnt down O'Batahan's air-caravan, containing all of his worldly possessions and booze stocks.
Prepare for biffing.
THE SEVENTH SEAL
While his Round Two clash with the Snapture required extensive suturing and mechanical repairs to recover from, The Seventh Seal required no major upgrades to pass through into the semi finals.
Thus, with little surgineering to complete in earnest, the American team have bedecked their unstoppable fightlord in the beard and hat of their nation's mythical 16th President, in a desperate bid to give him gravitas and poise.
Nevertheless, old Slaybraham Sincoln here remains a multi-ton mound of lipids and testosterone, with his mind on his murder and his murder on his mind. He will stop at nothing to smash his opponents into paste.
This fight will take place at the very core of the Zoofights Pyramid, in a boxing ring surrounded by towering arrays of seating and audiovisual knick-knacks.
Although O'Batahan is armed with the only long-range weaponry in the fight, his pugnacious nature will ensure close combat sooner than is tactically necessary.
At the same time, don't expect this to be a fair fight - Prez is absolutely ruthless in his pursuit of the Zoofights trophy, and O'Batahan is hardly known for playing fair.
For the Bat, this will be all about dodging the most lethal of his enemy's blows while finding a way to seriously wound the seal, while the Seventh Seal will be out to liquidise his foe as quickly and as savagely as possible.
SEMI FINAL TWO
We have not seen croctopus since he blew up the fastness of Sturgeongrad during Round Two.
We imagine he will have built a boat since then, although we couldn't begin to speculate on its specifics or quality of function.
Beyond that, we imagine he has access to the weapons he used last round, including a rocket-propelled chainsaw launcher, an automatic nailgun, a plasma welding torch and an angle grinder on a chain, among other delights.
We can only guess as to his strategy.
The vast sums of money available to the sponsors of Round Two's Draaainage have been essential in augmenting their contender into a true engine of destruction.
Now fully armoured in hardened alloys and bedecked with a devastating abdominal flak gun/flamethrower, Brutish Petroleum is a far cry, from the fragile, spindly thing that first entered the tournament.
In hopes of making it through into the endgame, Zoofights' first ever female semi-finalist has been given two extra suction harpoons with which to dessicate pray, plus devastating blood hoses in its limbs to ensure maximum bleed from even the smallest nick in skin.
And that's not even mentioning her three-foot, razor-mouthed larvae. Watch out, croctopus!
This fight will take place at the Stockbridge & Barrington memorial oil well, a derelict rig rusting into the coastline of some godforsaken magrove swamp. It will also happen at night, on an evening when we can be guaranteed acres of rolling green mist.
That's about all from me tonight, Sports Fans - don't forget to vote twice (one for each semi), and I will get the violence to you as soon as I can!