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Losers League: ROYAL RUMBLE


As mentioned earlier, Zoofights PLC has recently come into possession of an aircraft carrier full of hate, and it's been decided that we'll be dropping every Losers League combatant straight on to the flight deck. There they will duke it out until only one remains. All the interested parties may reinquire as to the disposition of the carrier at that time, if indeed there is any of it remaining.

Let's take a look at the competitors!



There wasn't a lot left of the ill-fated nautilus after Draaainage got through with it. We've pumped in some hemolymph and cuttlefish neuron slurry to try and get him back into fighting shape but he still seems pretty out of it. He's been given a wicked loadout including an over-sized pneumatic knife, but how well he'll be able to use them remains to be seen. With the disoriented state of the fighter, the Resistance Network has found two more volunteers to act as radio operators for the Squidiot. Last we saw them one was wailing incoherently and the other was rocking back and forth in the corner of the shipping crate. Then we closed the doors and flew it out to the carrier.


Gamma Constrictor

Whenever we brought Snake Pilgrim up out of cryostasis, he kept jumping around in time, more and more frequently, getting nose bleeds and shit. Suddenly he stabilized, we think because he found his "anchor." Which is a complete need to hate everything until it dies. We took the opportunity to install the tech our best and brightest have been putting together, turning the entire snake's body into a linear particle accelerator. Now he can store the chronoreactive particles he keeps producing, blast them up to relativistic speeds, and shoot beams of pure time out of his mouth. And he's still a fifty-foot long anaconda.



Out of the blasted ruins of Sturgeongrad rolled this unspeakable monstrosity. Fused into his tank by the immense heat of the explosion, rippling with tumors born of hard radiation, and abandoned by what few living soldiers he had left, the general has lost everything. The despair and fury in his eyes is enough to freeze a man in place for the brief seconds before he is obliterated by a sonic blast. There is no drive to lead now, only to destroy, and all the shackles of rationality have been loosed.



Our cleanup crews found a sorry sight when we came to collect EMMA after its battle. A head clamped hard onto a cyborg body while its jaw muscles went into rigor, leaking all sorts of important fluids onto the street, a giant lion body torn up and blown up, and a railgun shot to shit after being overloaded in order to fire off the aforementioned head. Well, we did what we could. A mammoth-sized set of artificial heart and lungs have been set into the back of the giant skull, surrounded by a forest of cavorite crystals to let the lion manipulate the local gravity to fly around. We've given a number of regular-sized lion heads the same treatment, along with laser rifles in their mouths, and set them orbiting around the main head. It's like a little solar system, if the sun could eat a truck and the planets could launch at you while shooting lasers. Also we named it with the best pun. THE BEST PUN.


Bango & Crash

Two for the price of one here, as the gorillorpion and dolphin have teamed up with the power of friendship. In order to get them ready for an all-out brawl we've given Gorillesis Mk. II a Techno Cop cartridge and Roboto-Cop a flipper-friendly combat shotgun. We've also given Gorillesis an extra controller, because now he's 2-player through and through. The pair've been in the Chunderdome day and night practicing ridiculous combo moves. Good luck out there mates!



The Australian team came to us with some unassailable logic. When the barramundi went up against a competitor with no big muscley arms, it won. When it went up against a competitor with an equal number of big muscly arms, it lost. Clearly, the only sane course of action was to graft on two more big muscly arms. Now it can bash in heads with twice the speed, and twice the panache, thanks to the neon blue lighting we've installed. It's all about the show, baby!


The AgriCultural Revolution

The onion seems to have digested a bit more than The Long March's flesh. It's still trying to kill anyone it can and reanimate them, as some unfortunate technicians and handlers discovered, but now it's trying to parade them around in a gross mockery of communist society. We're sure as soon as we dump it on the carrier it's going to try to burrow in and overgrow the place. Hopefully it won't get the chance.



That head crushing wasn't really as bad as it looked. After the President lumbered away for the customary victory bellowing and rutting, Snapture took a deep drag on his toe tag and was up and ready to go. He claims he was robbed and was still in the fight, but as he was technically dead for fifteen minutes we had no choice but to shunt him off to the Loser's League. He kindly let us weld his skull back together, and then we pointed him in the direction of the fight.



There is no mercy. There is no escape but through victory. Choose the one (1) competitor that you think will survive. (Bango&Crash count as one)

Reader Comments (19)

We all have foreboding thoughts about the onion and the possibilities of the hate carrier.

Dreadnaughtilus is a buffoon now, he's lost... everything. I can't even look at him any more. Still gonna laugh my arse off though.
This is the generals swan song, alas at this stage he has precious little to give.
The snapture's in it to win, but goddamit I hate him so much. Die, die, die.
The barramundi was always a bargain basement competitor. Nothing's changed - he couldn't really handle two arms, now he's twice as doomed.
Bango and Crash have come a long way, they've the tactical possibilities of teamwork and they are shielded by the ghost of Sega, but they seem underwhelming in terms of lethality.
Purrslaysion is going to create a wonderful mess, but I think it even has less idea of what's going on than nautilus.

ON THE OTHER HAND! Gamma constrictor has it all - a stable time signature, a shopped up body and a new conviction based around wonderful, wonderful omni-hate. It also has the power to create even more mess than the lion-teams randomly firing cat lasers.


June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatch-Analysis

I have to agree, at least in part, with the first comment. Most of these competitors seem like just so much cannon fodder. I give Snapture, Bango & Crash, and Gamma Constrictor the best obvious chance for this. I also agree that Gamma Constrictor looks like the strongest of those challengers but he will have a problem common in these multi-competitor fights -- gang up on the strongest.

Just like last year, I think most if not all the competitors will end up ganging up to take out the biggest thing on the carrier. Bango & Cash look like the heroic types to me, so I suspect that they will charge forward a little too quickly and end up getting taken out early by Gamma Constrictor.

In the end I see Snapture climb out of the wreckage of the top-side fight only to have to climb into the narrow confines of the ship to fight The AgriCultural Revolution -- who was busy building his communist haven below decks while everyone else was fighting a 50 foot Annaconda.

Snapture for the win.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDoug

Those poor poor souls that are stuck working for Squidiot will propably be killed quickly, meaning the thing will have no instructions. While that worked well last time, this time is has a considerable less brain power. So he's out.

The Gamma Constrictor obviously has a very good chance of winning. How ever, he will have the problem of being te first target. While those time lasers would propably kill anyone it hit, I doubt it's rapid fire. As such, at close range it'd have to focus on two things. With so many people in it I honestly doubt he'll win.

Chernoble has a large amount of rage, which can be dangerous when your the target. However, that is also his major weakness. Because of his rage, he'll be so absorbed with going for one target that someone could easily surprise attack him, and if multiple people ganged up on him he wouldn't stand a chance, as he'd get attacked everytime he focused on someone to attack.

Purrslaysion has the problem of trying to control all of those extra heads. Plus, if anything happens to those crystals on the back of his head, he's just gonna be a lion head stuck on the ground, unable to move.

Banga & Crash seem as said before, the heroic type. As such, they'd go rushing in toward any target. Against someone with multiple long range weapons they'd have little chance. At close range however they have a fair chance, since Crash has a shotgun, and Banga is a gorilla with a harpoon for a hand.

Tetramundi... no it's too easy.

The AgriCultural Revolution is basically an overgrown onion that controls zombies. Against Snapture, it's just lunch. Really, just about anyone could be Rev as they could JUST EAT THE DAMN THING.

Snapture has enormous defensive qualitys, with a few good offensive ones. He's also the perfect match up against Revolution. However, he also has a lack of speed, and a bit too dramatic. As seen in his previous fight, he's also pretty easy to distract with green money.

My vote is for Bango & Crash since they're pretty good at most distances.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterParr

This... this is the best thing. Half of the competitors are hilarious and the other half are horrifying. This lineup beats the pants off last year’s, which was basically five tiny guys and Elohim. This one is a lot more open.

This will take some in-depth analysis.

Let’s start with the one I think is least likely to win, Squidiot. He, um, doesn’t appear to be a threat anymore (check out that lazy eye, ha). The extra tentacles are gone (eliminating any chance of Seanet takeover), and this time it looks like he actually needs incompetent humans to order him around, and we know how well that worked last time. He’s still got plenty of cool weapons, but he won’t use them unless it’s by accident. This is a very sad way for one of my favorites to go out, but I just can’t vote for this guy.

Tetramundi is completely outclassed here. Squidiot, Chernoble, Gamma Constrictor, and Purrslaysion are all so dead I don’t think the poison will work, Snapture can easily out-muscle him, Bango and Crash are way too heartwarming to lose to a low-tier dude like him, and would the onion even be harmed by poison meant for animals? Cool idea going the Goro route, but he’s just out of his league, as he has been the entire tournament. Poor fish is always one upgrade behind.

The AgriCultural Revolution is… what is this. I’m still quite wary of the onion, but it’s certainly not as dangerous-looking as it used to be. Hell, it looks downright friendly. Zombies or not, look, it’s waving! And wearing a cute little hat! I’m still thinking it should be finished off, particularly because the fight is on the Aircraft Carrier of Hate, which is quickly becoming everyone’s favorite arena.

Purrslaysion’s name pun is indeed hilarious, good job on that one. It’s pretty creepy, too – like an Orbinaut from Sonic fused with your darkest nightmares. Very cool idea, interesting execution, but I just can’t see the lion (or lions) taking this one. Also it looks like Nelson really was Killed Off For Real. He seemed a little too smart for his own good, so I’ll say that’s a positive thing.

These last four are what I’m hung up on. None of the four I’ve already reviewed seem to stand much of a chance (Well, the Onion would but people have wised up and aren’t voting for it now). I think it’ll come down to the remaining four. The Snapture has once again refused any upgrades, but not only is he pretty tough to begin with but I honestly don’t know what upgrade he could get without becoming something he’s not, unless he did like the Seal did and just hulked up. Considering his picture it looks like he might’ve done just that – he looks significantly burlier than in round one. And hah, he sure does love his shutter shades. Even though they’re broken he’s still wearing them. Poor bastard.

Gamma Constrictor… I love the snake, he’s really turned things around now and has a lot of the crowd on his side. His abilities are crazy, and his design is still top-notch (the cobra hood he picked up last round is awesome). And best of all, he doesn’t randomly warp around anymore, which was the cause of 90% of the damage he took when fighting Hog Wild. Definitely a contender.

Chernoble… ohhhh jeeze. I’m gonna have nightmares of this guy. Funnily enough, much like Snapture we’re looking at essentially the same monster from the first round, except in this case ol’ Sturge at least looks different. He does have a size advantage over everyone except Gamma Constrictor and Snapture (and maybe Purrslaysion)… I need to think about this one.

And last we come to Bango and Crash (I cannot puzzle out this name pun for the life of me). They’re their previous selves, just healed and teamed up. They are a heartwarming duo and we are rather lacking in heroes this time around…

But I am going to stand by the Sturgeon. I’m feeling an emotion towards him I never expected… pity. Last round he had it all: An army, a fortress, a magnificent mustache… and he lost it all so an insane crocodile could build a boat. Now he has nothing but his sword, his cannons, and his voice. And a hat.

I was seriously torn between the last four here, but what made up my mind was that Snapture, B and C, and Gamma are getting plenty of votes while Chernoble is getting a little lost in the shuffle. I fully expect to lose yet again, but I am staying with ##CHERNOBLE to the bitter end, and we will go down together. Win or lose he’s leaving this tournament fighting. There will be a Game Boy specially designed for mutant fish reserved for you in heaven, comrade, with a copy of Tetris and an AC adaptor so you don’t need batteries.

I’ll be perfectly happy with the actual result, which will almost certainly be Gamma, Snapture, or B and C, as they’re all great too. If nothing else, Sturge can get in one last KO by killing Squidiot or something.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

Your commitment is heartwarming, Gooper. I almost unironically shed a single tear for the sturgeon.

Most everything lucid has already been said about the competitors, but i've made a couple of observations:
* Tetramundi COULD actually do a little damage. He's small, and if he has the prescense of mind he could easily slink away in the chaos and provide a fateful distraction to someone.
Of course, that's unless gorillesis is the grudge-keeping type.

* Gamma constrictor is obviously a terrifying menace this time around, but i'm actually of the opinion that his random time-warping is a bigger potential strength than his new stability.
With the blinking, anything could happen. He could blind-side anyone, dodge anything.
Of course, it's a double edged sword, and a REALLY sharp one.

* Given his track record, i wouldn't be surprised if the snapture just didn't show up.

* The home field advantage and hero effect: The sturgeon and snake are both FUELLED by hate. They've got a considerable home field advantage. On the opposite end, Bango & crash draw their power from friendship, and are thusly at a disadvantage.
However! They're the self-dubbed heroes, and there's no better way to hand a hero the victory, than to pit him against impossible odds.

And that's why my vote goes resoundingly for BANGO & CRASH!

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLurker

Gooper - Perhaps this will help you with your puzzle.


June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGravitas Shortfall

Gravitas Shortfall - Ahahaha that's wonderful. Thanks!

I would watch a Bango and Crash movie. I would watch it so hard.

...hell, I'd watch a Zoofights movie period. Make it about the onion for all I care.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

I'm voting for the fucking timesnake. It's always been the most awesome thing in the tournament in my opinion. All this Snapture business was great at first but now it's getting a little tiresome..


June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjimmajim

It's been pointed out already, for a number of good reasons, that there are only two or three legitimate choices this time around, and I pretty much agree with the wisdom of the crowds on this one.

It'll come down to Snapture, Gamma Constrictor, and Bango and Crash, and I refuse to count out the Onion in any encounter, votes or no. His Lil' Mao Hat Of The People is reason enough.

So who walks away with it? Gamma Constrictor seems by far the most put together, improved, and least overall-brain damaged of the group, not that this is necessarily saying much. He's got lethal close-up skills, what seems like complete weaponization of time, and unless he lost it somewhere along the way, let's not forget he SEES INTO THE HEAT FUTURE. That's going to be awfully useful in a cold metal ship surrounded by cold water.

Bango and Crash... I just dont see it. A shotgun and a copy of time cop goes a long way in my eyes, but unless they get lucky and mop up after the big boys are done, I can't imagine they come out of this alive. Still, friendship can move mountains, and good guys do have all kinds of unfair advantages in general. It's not impossible!

I agree with Jimmajim that it's time for the Snapture to take the Long Ride Home. To Hell. When you lose to vomit, blubber, and a pool table, you are disgraced in my eyes. I say he does a lot of damage, but ends up as a super-zombie for the onion in some elaborate fashion.

As for the Onion itself, it's going to be the major environmental hazard of the match, and now it's up to Communist antics as well... no predicting what this thing is capable of. Forced marches into the sea? Fusion with Chernobyl in some awful, game-changing Communist mind-meld? Man, I do not know. I just want whoever emerges from this fight to be wearing his hat.

Okay, okay, honestly now, I had my mind made up as soon as "complete weaponization of time" had left my keyboard.


June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKid Darius

I'm slightly terrified of the thought of Gamma Constrictor, its (as people said) probably going to be the first target, and so if it does go down before the Onion, and the Onion gets a chance....Gamma Constrictor zombie would be a horrible mocking monstrosity of all that is holy and good in this world and could possibly end up being a horrible...horrible end boss i.e. swanmass.....but then again Snapture just doesn't give a fuck
##Snapture all the way!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDerecho

Chernoble has released the following statements concerning each of the contestants. His knowledge of Mother Russia's proverbs serve him well.

Squidiot: Ви́лами на воде́ пи́сано.
(Written with a pitchfork in flowing water [as in, “this will not last”])

Tetramundi: Из огня́ да в полымя́.
(From fire to flame)

Purrslaysion: Жизнь прожи́ть — не по́ле перейти́.
(Life is not like crossing a meadow)

Agricultural Revolution: Взя́лся за гуж — не говори́, что не дюж.
(If you took the pledge, do not hedge)

Gamma Constrictor: Лу́чше оди́н раз уви́деть, чем сто раз услы́шать.
(It is better to see once, than to hear a hundred times [don’t forget the snake is blind)]

The Snapture: Вели́к те́лом, да мал де́лом
(Big in body, small in deeds)

The Snapture again: Пья́ному мо́ре по коле́но(, а лу́жа — по́ уши)
(For a drunken one, a sea is knee-deep, and a puddle, ear-deep)

Bango and Crash: За одного́ би́того двух неби́тых дают
(A beaten foe is worth two unbeaten foes)

Chernoble: Терпе́ние и труд всё перетру́т.
(Patience and hard work will fray through anything)


June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

Despite voting for Bango & Crash, i gotta admit: You sturgeon supporters have style.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLurker

It's just me again, actually. I'm the only Sturge voter here on the blog. Felt like coming back and trying for a 5-pointer.

Forum thread is currently debating how Squidiot dies since he has a grand total of 1 vote at the moment (even Tetramundi got two). My prediction is that he swings his blade (sideways) at a hard surface like Snapture's shell, Chernoble's tank, or the aircraft carrier itself and it bounces back and sticks in his face. Best comedy competitor we've had in a while.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

Durr, reading is hard. I stand by my comment, regardless.
Welp, i'm going to giggle like an idiot if, by some miraculous upset, Squidiot wins.
I mean, how is the major and the team going to make it AT ALL plausible?

This is going to be so great!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLurker

For the record, I was totally hoping Sturgeon would somehow be a competitor in the rumble... until I saw the new concept art and comprehended just what I'd be voting for.

It's encouraging that he's still got enough functioning frontal gray matter to remember proverbs, to remember anything, in fact, but he's going down hard, and considering his mental state I wouldn't be surprised if the Sturge goes down by his own hand (again).

Would that be a Zoofights record, does anyone know? Two self-destructs in one tournament by the same monster?

And one more thing, because the internet makes it easy and I can't resist (with apologies to Gooper). As far as the Sturgeons chances in this upcoming fight?

"Аво́сь да как-нибу́дь до добра́ не доведу́т".

Translated: "Maybe and somehow won't make any good".

(It's the very first Russian proverb listed on Wikiquotes, how great is that?)

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKid Darius

Big news on the main thread! With an incredible surge of two votes <B>SQUIDIOT PULLS AHEAD OF PURRSLAYSION TO TAKE SEVENTH PLACE IN THE STANDINGS!!!</B> (I think he is now tied with The Onion. Tetramundi's score is probably boosted due to getting fanart)

Because I'm a dork and find this interesting, the voting appears to be from fewest to most votes as follows: Purrslaysion, Squidiot, Agricultural Revolution, Tetramundi, [gap] Chernoble, [big gap] Bango and Crash, Snapture, Gamma Constrictor. That's just from eyeballing it.

I've gotta say I would also giggle like a schoolgirl if that damn nautilus trolled everyone and took first.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

I keep meaning to mention this in these comments, but voting is closed (as anyone also following the SA thread has realised)

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGravitas Shortfall

Well crap, missed the vote.

Do just want to make one point though: Gamma constrictor seems to be fuelled by hate and the arena is a 'hate filled aircraft carrier', basically Gamma just needs to dip his tail in that big ol' pool of loathing and let rip!

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPod

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE </Professor Farnsworth>

That horrid video of two evil, evil people torturing a turtle that got posted in the SA thread has been removed due to a Terms of Service violation!


Remember, kids: Zoofights is performed by professionals in the wonderful world of our imagination. Don't try it at home. Or in real life. Seriously.

June 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGooper Blooper

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