« Round One, Fight Eight | Main | Losers League: Round One, Fight One »
Wednesday
May262010

Great Leap Forward vs. Snapture

It starts quietly; a battered dirigible swooping low under a dust storm, dropping a tangle of red iron onto the blasted dunes...

Strengthened by the love of the Eternal Leader even in the depths of the blasting storm, Great Leap Forward refuses to give an inch to the wind.

Striding forward with hydraulic strength and socialist integrity, he is determined to do powerful works of good for the Party, whatever that might entail.

He knows no fear as a low rumble begins to underplay the howl of the desert wind. Nor does he falter when the clouds of raging sand part to reveal the blurred outline of his enemy.

He ploughs on for the glory of Dear Leader, even when harsh sunlight glints off a pair of chromium shutter shades in the gloom...

 

Wasting no time to play to the imperialist aggressor's posturing, Great Leap Forward surges into the air with the aid of North Korea's finest hydraulic systems.

Unfortunately, one knee joint blows at the apex of the leap, but it matters not - sufficient altitude and speed has been attained to demonstrate the superiority of North Korean cradtsmanship to the hulking Chelonian...

In Cinemas all throughout the tunnels and bunkers of the DPRK, happy gatherings of loyal workers meet for broadcasts of their champion.

As cheerful community political officers point out the details of the unfolding battle, they wave their strong arms enthusiastically, excited and joyous to see the Leader's will at work...

But The Snapture has been jumped by everything under the sun in his time, and is unintimidated by the plunging biomechanical tangle of GLF.

As the scowling grasshopper titan soars into him, he delivers a crippling left uppercut, sending cogs flying and heaving the great insect into the air once more.

When the red insect hits the ground, Snapture is already waiting, and mercilessly suplexes GLF into the cracked desert floor.

Legs twitch and drip ichor, and the snapture stalks closer towards his brittle prey...

Great Leap Forward lashes out with all 4 short range missiles, however, stopping the ravenous reptile in its tracks for the first time in the battle.

For a brief moment, only the scream of sand on sand is heard in the desert...

Like a cockroach moving out from under a fridge, GLF springs eerily to life and covers the distance to The Snapture in moments. Although at least two of his legs are shattered, he knows that now is the time to strike for the Party.

Scrambling up onto the Snapture's carapace, he wastes no time in getting to work, as if the testudarch was nothing but a stony mountain bean terrace...

As a formerly clogged artery is shaken open by the vibration of GLF's pneumatic hammer, a fresh surge of blood to the brane brings the Snapture out of his concussion.

Bellowing in indignation, he reaches out for a piece of smashed up wood, and backhands the vile insect away as if it were little more than a ball of twigs and tinfoil.

Even so, the communist claws stay locked into his wrinkly flesh, and an array of horrendous mincing tools grop for his soft parts.

The struggle continues in the dust, with Snapture barely getting to his feet to defend against the relentless locust.

But What's This?...

You would think that in a world devastated by nuclear war, you could hold a deathmatch in the desert without getting double booked.

Think again.

While the two battered warriors size each other up for another bout of bashing, an insane cacophany of revving, roaring and spluttering drifts in over the horizon.

The Twelfth Annual All-Apocalypse Murder Rally is about to pass through the very spot on which the brutes are battling, and everyone is driving way too fast to avoid a turtle the size of a hill...

 

GLF's patriotism-heightened reactions barely get him out of the way as the first vehicles tear past, while snapture barely has time to turn his massive head towards the new noise.

He is more sluggish by the minute, and merely howls in rage as a dune buggy wraps itself around his shell in a shower of sparks and bone chips.

Bombarded with missiles, gnawed by drills and pounded by reckless post-nuclear automobiles, Snapture begins to lose his temper.

Enough is enough. It Is Time To Stop Dicking Around

In this image, we would have portrayed the snapture doing a whole bunch of drugs. Ironically, the cameraman filming the scene did the same thing, and so this will have to occur off-camera

Please stand by while The Snapture GETS ABSOLUTELY TROLLEYED

ARE YOU SNAPTURE-READY???

With the tiniest glint of frustration gleaming through it iron Juche doctrine, the Korean warrior understands that it never really stood a chance.

As ichor from smashed joints leaks into the sand and the honks of the rally racers recede into the distance, it knows that the glistening jaws surging towards it will be the last thing it sees on this earth.

The story of its great ambassadorial mission will end here, in a puddle of guts and chitin far away from the valleys and mountains of the homeland.

Unless....

UNLESS WHAT???

TOO LATE BITCH - SNAPTURE WINS

Ladies and gentlemen, collect your bets and thanks for watching round One.

The Loser's League kicks off very shortly, and you'll get to see all of the last round's disasters and embarassments square off against one another. Bone Appetite!

Until then, happy drinking, Sports Fans. Fresh meat (mostly rats and hands) will be distributed by concession stand Z, financed by the Snapture's own purse, and Gezora will be serving dead grasshoppers so cheap he will pay you to drink them.

Reader Comments (2)

Performance enhancing drugs, fair play. GLF forward should have seen it coming, snapture is American with a get fucked attitude and he wears pink shutter shades. CROCTOPUS to win this years contest - he just wants to build boats.

May 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterarv

damn, those are some awesome initial illustrations for these competitors. Who's the artist?

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJosh

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>