Saturday
Mar062010

Round One, Fight Two - Dakuvanga Versus Riot Yeti

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce to you tonight a gnashing nightmare of pacific power, a true tribal terror forged in a savage future, using wicked ancient knowledge. I give you:

DAKUVANGA


The tribal councils of Unified Polynesia in 2150 were ferociously enthusiastic about their entry, assembling their dark champion deep inside the foundry hulks of their raft towns for over a month. Dakuvanga, named in honour of an ancient Feejeean sea devil, is the head and nervous system of a vast hammerhead shark, rising out of a diesel-powered nightmare of pistons, blades, pincers and drills. Constructed from the rusting debris of chinese industrial machinery sunk in the soy war of '32, this vengeful leviathan is held together by heavy iron, raw aggression and almost certainly some kind of horrendous oceanic spirit.

Size: 18ft, nose to tail
Speed: This thing is faster than it looks - although the metalwork is pretty ropey, it's been put together with a lot of skill, and can cover ground with surprising haste.
Offense: One swipe from those digger claws will do serious damage to any soft target, and put a big dent in most armour. Hydraulic, semi extensible jaws that can fold steel, and a superhardened circular saw on the tail, make this a formidable foe in close combat.
Defense: Skin like inch-thick leather, plus a convoluted mass of bolts, engineering, support struts and water tanks built over much of the body, give Dakuvanga a decent resistance to damage.
Temperament: The primal rage and impulsive aggression of a south pacific thunderstorm, amped up on diesel and rusty iron. Not prone to second thoughts, complex analysis or hesitation.


And set against this elemental avatar of the abyss, a brutal warrior from far above the Himalayan treeline. People, put your fists in the air, for:

RIOT YETI
 

When we made contact with 1920s Tibet, the Dalai Lama of the time was happy to sell us the last Yeti - but only if we swore against using it for war. Therefore, we grafted two more arms onto it, gave it an assortment of vicious weapons and riot gear, and enrolled it in our security detail for a few months, thus making it an enforcer of the peace. So that's alright then. Needless to say, it's bruted up on combat drugs at all hours, and attempts to brain everything it sees, all the while howling wordless cries of hatred.

Size: 9ft at the shoulder
Speed: Built for a life of ceaseless trekking across snow and climbing high mountain peaks, Riot Yeti is incredibly agile, light on its feet and quick to cover ground on its long legs.
Offense: Well trained, ludicrously pugnacious and roaring bashed on a complex mix of amphetamines, Riot Yeti is fluent in the use of an iridium mace, a uranium axe, and an osmium spear hooked up to a hypercharged battery pack.
Defense: Knife sharp reflexes help the brute dodge most blows, but for unavoidable clashes of force, its immense strength and solid diamond riot shield come in very handy.
Temperament: It's a Yeti, with an axe, off its chops. What would you expect?

TIPS


Although Dakuvanga is by far the most massive and powerful of the contenders, Riot Yeti has a large advantage in maneuvrability, dexterity and speed. The Shark is devastating at midrange, but if the Yeti can dodge the claws, jaws and saws, he will be in a position to do some serious damage. Don't underestimate his strength - he's got arms like tree trunks, and he could rip car doors apart like flower petals. Not to mention he has a shield of solid diamond, which could hold back even Dak's mighty jaws. Whichever way this goes, there will be blood.

Also, for the sake of a little excitement, we've decided to hold this match in the waste stacks of the station's mighty coal fusion engines. Those engines use a lot of fuel, and make a lot of ash, and the waste stacks are where the fuel rods are cooled and dismantled when depleted.

We haven't bothered to evacuate the area, either...


It's windy down there, and the air's clogged with white ash - what's more, there's a mass of passages, gantries, pillars and coolant fins to complicate things. Dakuvanga's excellent sense of smell will work well for him here despite his opponent's camouflage - and if he catches the yeti in a closed space, there will be little chance for the ape to turn the situation to his advantage.

 

With the bulkhead doors to the waste stacks closed and the lights shut off save for the dim red glow of emergency repair lamps, Dakuvanga stalks the ash-drift floor, snarling and hissing mechanically.

Silent from years of hunting goat on frosty mountainsides, however, Riot Yeti scrambles down the metal canyon towards his adversary, shield and spear drawn...


With a haunting roar, the Abominable Snowman hurls himself from a precipice and plunges through the windy darkness, speartip first.



Swinging from a pipe, he lands square on Dakuvanga's broad back, using his momentum to jam the electric spear deep into the side of the beast's neck.



Ramping the power supply up to eleven, Riot Yeti manages to overload the shark's nervous system long enough to gain a foothold on the mechanical chaos of Dakuvanga's flanks, and begins to hack and bludgeon at the workings of the Fearsome Fijian with his improbably heavy melee weapons...

As the charge in the spear fades, the shark comes fully to its senses, twisting and bucking to dislodge the tenacious Yeti. The simian soldier struggles to wedge his spear further into the neck workings of his enemy, all the while probing for a clear shot at the brainpan with his axe.

Dakuvanga knows that if he dislodges his attacker, the fight is over - in the confined, hellish cinderyards of the waste stacks, he will overwhelm and dissect Riot Yeti in moments. But even as he rears back his tail-mounted saw and slams it into the Yeti, his strike is blocked by a tree-trunk arm bearing a diamond riot shield...

It is a race against time now - can Riot Yeti expose and demolish the larger beast's inner workings, or will he be shaken off, trampled and chewed to pieces?

Despite the Shark's best efforts, the ape remains steadfast, working the spear back and forth and chopping with the axe, all the while fending off industrial body blows with his trusty mace.

After a hectic struggle, the axe digs deep into cartilage, and the speed-crazed Yeti is in a position to lever open the other contender's neural canal.

Bellowing hoarsely in addled delight, Riot Yeti uses an unholy strength to prise open Dakuvanga's internal reinforcing plates, revealing his delicious, glistening vertebrae and brainstem.

Slavering wildly with an addict's hunger, the stooping titan drops his axe and shield, bringing all four arms to tear and pummel at the open wound with wild abandon...

...oh Riot Yeti, you stupid motherfucker.

With his brain withered on years of security service crack breakfasts, Riot Yeti forgot where he was and what he was doing for long enough to lose his edge, and forgot to keep up his guard while mauling Dakuvanga's spinal column.

In the instant before having most of its lower body nerves ripped loose in a coarse fistful, the shark arches its brutal tail right forward and glides it into the ape's exposed back.

 



With a sickening ripping sound, the roaring leviathan picks up its assailant on the whirling blade, and hurls it with trememndous force at a concrete pillar. If life remains in the shattered Yeti, it is soon extinguished when Dakuvanga stomps over to finally express its frustration...