Following the elimination of all but one of the Loser's League competitors, the concluding stages of this year's tournament are upon us - but the carnage is far from over.
Now, having triumphed through the first two rounds, our four semi-finalists have been souped up into apex killing machines, and will be pitted against each other on the barren wastes of Mars.
But don't worry, there's no cryosleep this time - I have brought the mountain to Mohammed, so to speak. Having won the damn red orb in a game of Faro, I've had it tugged out here by a fleet of arthropoid heavy lifters, and parked in orbit past Callisto.
There, on the summit of Olympus Mons, our first two warriors will do battle. Ladies and gentlemen, it's:
THE FIRST SEMI FINAL MATCHUP
First on the bill, the Australian contender has undergone heavy augmentation, centred around the installation of a hypercharged ion drive looted from the wreckage of Star Truck. Armoured in toughened steel boilerplate, Ned Killy is equipped with twin machine guns loaded with uranium shells, two pairs of side-mounted laser projectors, and a crackling electromagnetic field capable of discharging tesla bolts. Reinforced dramatically, this voracious predator has been honed into a living hunter-killer drone.
But Ned is not the only colossal marine predator on the cards tonight. With their abyssal champion suffering massive trauma from the loss of his eyes and sense organs, the South Pacific team removed his brain and nervous system, and implanted them into the skull of a vast sperm whale. With his exoskeleton massively built up to withstand his thirty ton weight, Tangaloa now packs a titanic magma cannon and a freshly hewn Moai club to complement his raw strength. With every tooth in his mouth a sacred tabua belonging to one of Unified Polynesia's chieftains, he has become a vengeful avatar for his nation.
As thousands of faces press against the station windows, the armoured doors of hangar bay 6 slide silently open, to let in the light of the martian dawn far below.
The barbarian lord of post-apocalyptic Perth gazes out of the hangar's shimmering containment field, and his technicians clear his champion for launch. He's entering the fight the hard way.
Tangaloa was shipped to the summit of Olympus Mons the night before by an Arthropoid Lifter-dropper, but Ned Killy needs no such performance.
Eschewing even the luxury of a drop pod, the Devonian killer cruises out into vacuum and begins a sinuous descent towards the upper atmosphere.
Red orbital dust crackles in his ion field as he picks up speed, and he begins to flatten his profile for entry...
As the trickle of charged particles becomes a raging gale, Ned Killy angles towards the blood-red regolith of the solar system's biggest mountain, and clenches his mighty jaw.
Metal begins to glow red, and the tungsten rivets holding him together begin to shake, but Ned stays straight as an arrow.
Primitive targeting sensors keep him locked dead onto the speck of his enemy far below, and his brutish olfactory sensors flood with anticipation of the whale's thick blood.
Longing to taste Ambergris running between the ridges of his primeval jaws, the Dunkleosteus pours every ounce of his rage into his ion rockets and plunges downward, faster and faster...
Tangaloa hears the sonic boom far above in Mars' thin atmosphere, and sees the hard black shape of Ned Killy streaking in low over the horizon.
Proud and colossal, he issues a fearless roar that quakes the red slopes, refusing to back away or throw himself out of the path of the onrushing missile.
He braces himself against the vastness of the mountain, and raises his magma cannon to meet his foe...
Ned Killy streaks in low over the landscape, pouring smoke from his overheated engines and trailing a cloud of shaken loose debris.
Tangaloa throws up a vicious jet of molten rock in the path of the thundering missile, but it is like being sick onto an approaching bullet...
Lit by the flickering orange glow of Ned's impact crater, Tangaloa moans and struggles to stand with a gaping wound through its body.
Pouring viscera onto the red Martian sand, the Polynesian Pugilist staggers nearly to its feet and begins to turn towards the smoking pit in the rock.
With a titanic strength still waiting in the monster's stricken frame, it sets itself to last just one more minute, until it can make it to the crater and flood Killy's grave-to-be with magma...
Rising from the white-hot crater in a cloud of smoke and fury, Ned Killy wastes no time in renewing his vicious attack as if he hadn't just smashed into the planet from orbit.
In a lightning pass, He pops the whale's knee joints with his lasers and gnashes its hydraulic lines, causing the ailing behemoth to sink into a shallow puddle of its own spilt magma.
The once-godlike pelagic carnivore can do little but thrash weakly in the flames as the still-glowing dunkleosteus tears and gorges at its exposed underbelly.
With a rending crack and a wet rip, the relentless fish siezes a great jawful of viscera and rockets backward, tearing free Tangaloa's heart. The battle is over before the Polynesian giant ever got a strike in.
NED KILLY WINS - FOSTERS AND CASTLEMAINE XXXX FREE IN THE BAR FOR THE NEXT HOUR