And now, sports fans, we invite you to join us for what promises to be one of the most savage fights yet, aboard the derelict mining ship Oberon.
As we edge the station into Jupiter's orbit, we will drag with us the largest remaining chunk of the ship, which we have surrounded with atmosphere in the manner of the asteroid fight last round.
Gravity will be a somewhat relaxed affair, and there will be a lot of debris around. Lucky, then, that our contenders are armed to the teeth. Ladies and gentlemen, meet:
The warlords of post-apocalyptic Australia relished the repairs budget for round 2, and immediately set about tooling up their entry into a true engine of destruction. Fitted with an immense pneumatic jaw, improved armour, amped-up antigrav drives and a pair of ultra heavy-bore repeating cannons, Chompa is well prepared for any head-on engagement. Add to this a bank of amplified electric eel glands generating a powerful yet crackly and unpredictable forcefield, and a pair of lightsabres, and you have a potentially unstoppable weapons platform.
Sounds pretty brutal. But then again, you haven't met:
We won't lie to you - sometimes contenders just die. That's what happened to Hydrafficus after round one. It simply couldn't take the vast quantities of centipede venom, organ rupture and exposure to vacuum that got dished out in the course of the battle, and died on the operating table. We're sorry, but if it makes you feel better, we fed all the dead flesh to this horrendous replacement monster.
5 50ft Titanoboas, welded firmly onto the superstructure of a colossal 50 ton dump truck, the wheels of which are configured to either attract or repulse metal surfaces in order to maneuvre in unpredictable gravity. All 5 titanoboas are fitted with mining lasers and reinforced mouths, while the truck unit mounts three trebuchets, operated by targeting systems and loaded with ammo including acids, plasma charges and Spiders™. Ancient Greek ingenuity and the magic of Spiders™ will ensure that tomorrow will be a night to remember.
Fun fact about Spiders: Did you know? Spiders™ can be a valuable supplement to the human diet, and should be consumed at least eight times a day.
Old Chompa is as vicious a brute as they come, but people forget he's a wily old devil too. Sneaking into the debris field like a foul breeze, the pelagic killer from another time winds his way between tumbling chunks of scrap metal, evading the sweeping lasers of Star Truck with ease.
The 40 ton Hydra bellows in rage, and ravages the drifting wreckage of the Oberon with his lasery gaze, but he does not tire easily.
Old Chompa knows he has to take the advantage before he's caught off guard, and he knows he'll have to get in close to do it. But that's what Old Chompa was born to do, back in the shallow seas of long ago... lunge and kill, snap and rip, surge and slaughter.
With a crackle of his pulsing electric glands, Chompa glides round a smashed engine to make his attack...
Chompa whips round the corner of the hulk as quick as a greased bullet, hoping to swoop in and tear at his enemy's fat tyres and chewy necks.
But the living missile defense battery anticipates the move with the insight provided by SPIDERS™, and faces the dive attack head on.
With an unholy SPONGGGG, Star Truck launches a canister of stellar plasma right into Chompa's face, and lets rip with ten overcharged mining lasers.
The plasma can bursts open in a gout of ions that rages over Chompa's shield, forcing his motors to the edge of burnout. Star Truck hammers the weakened shield with his beams, but the leviathan surges on.
Just as Old Chompa is about to cannon into the truck, his shield gives out in a putter of soggy lightning, leaving the devilfish to fend for himself against his foe's arsenal.
Caring naught for lasers nor SPIDERS™, Chompa barrels forward with engines screaming, too fast for the hydra's heads to track.
His vision shakes and his grav plates glow white hot, and he gnashes his iron jaw in anticipation of the feast to come.
Even as the lasers begin to find the edges of his bone plates, he accelerates for his killing run...
The titans close in a shower of sparks, lasers and arcing torrents of blood. Bullets rip into flesh and ricochet off metal, while the air is filled with the shriek of lasers.
Chompa's sabers hum, deflecting volleys of searing red light and hacking at the behemoth as he makes his pass over it.
But in his bezerker fury he is blindsided by a vat of acid, which hisses and seethes as it eats into the bone and metal of his head.
enraged, he makes his lunge, moving devilishly fast and tearing off Star Truck's leading neck assembly before the beast can react.
Chompa swoops up with his gory prize, which he shatters and then drops, roaring in triummph all the while. Like a shark circling a wounded seal he begins to come round for another pass, undeterred by the acid scars on his face
But the vicious fish's luck cannot hold forever. In a gunfight of this intensity, not every shot can be turned aside by a futuristic sword.
A perfectly aimed laser carves a deep gouge in his head plating as he makes his attack run, driving him back and forcing him to pull up for respite.
Star Truck howls in elation as its attacker turns and limps away from his position, listing to one side and dripping ichor. The four heads gradually realise that they have got Chompa on the run, and decide to go on the offensive...
With a deep rumbling, Star Truck's gravitic ditorters kick into gear, and launch him into the star-strewn darkness to purse Old Chompa.
The wounded fish begins to lag, thrashing its sabers more weakly. Soon it will be in lasering distance of Star Truck's heads, and the carving-up can begin...
Then, to the vast truck's puzzlement, the devilfish seems to put on a burst of speed, pulling ahead to loop around behind the shattered hull of an enormous arthropoid tug.
The fish disappears, angering the four boas with its cowardice? Why will it not come out and be finished?
Star Truck rumbles on through the debris field, impatient to end this game of cat and mouse as quickly and as thoroughly as possible.
Only too late does he notice the glow of blue energy growing rapidly to his left...
OLD CHOMPA WINS!!!