Sunday
Mar072010

Round Two - Loser's League Fight Two - Centipope versus Tsar Bumble

Centipope

Centipope: I really don't know what to tell you with this one. Legally speaking, this thing was dead and floating in space for three days before the Vatican picked it up. When it arrived back in Rome, it had this ... thing ... attached to it by the neck and it was alive and kicking. Some of our researchers are afraid of this, claiming it's too reminiscent of something they read in a comic book involving an arachnid of some sort. I don't know, I don't care. The Vatican spruced it up and provided it with the deadliest blades that untold billions of real estate and artwork can buy. Stay on your toes with that cross, though. It burns the skin without it physically touching flesh.

Versus

Tsar Bumble

We dragged Tunguska's beaten and severed body off the arena floor with high hopes and big plans, but when our bioengineers went to implement them we found that the bloody thing had gone and cocooned itself into a giant chrysalis. No matter, we simply built a VTOL gunship with a hefty nuclear loadout around her, and convinced some tiny bee commissars that it was a larval queen that needed protecting. Now they're piloting the thing and they'd sooner slap Stalin's mother than let anything happen to it.

The HIVE-D we've built for them is nothing to scoff at. With six independently-orienting VTOL engines it's got full maneuverability from any attitude. We've got micro-nuke swarm launchers to bathe the opponent in destruction and the ballistic nuke launchers in the back to finish the job. On an unrelated note, potassium iodine pills are available to spectators for a small fee at the concessions stand. And just in case Tsar Bumble gets grumpy in there, we've attached a boombox blasting Гимн Советского Союза nonstop.

 

TIPS


Enraged at the loss of their extraterrestrial exemplar, the Soviets have poured all of their resources into repairing and improving their damaged entry. Armor plating has been doubled up and it's prior armaments have been doffed in favor of a small nuclear arsenal. Sponsors from the Anthropod Alliance were glad to match the Soviet investment, lending a silo-load of insect growth hormone in order to kick the larva up to the next stage of metamorphosis. The new chitinous shell of it's pupae stage does well to cover the soft spots Soviet steel could not reach. VTOL jets were installed to give the beast some mobility.

Yet one large obstacle still existed: tragically robbed of its head in the match with Old Bitey, the largest problem our engineers faced in rebuilding Tunguska was ensuring it had a means to control its new, mightier body. A novel solution was arrived at by our resident apiologist. A colony of specially evolved, highly intelligent africanized bees have been given a brainwashing crash-course in Soviet ideology, and now stand crew the flight deck of their alien "hive."

 

Gezora has its booze and its microphone, so let’s join it at ring side!

Gezora bids you look to your left to witness, fresh from Vatican City, weighing in at 450 pounds, the catholic carboniferan… CENTIPOPE!

Gezora asks that you now gaze to your right at the Crusher from Russia, the Hard-backed Cossack… TSAR BUMBLE!

Gezora has heard earth commentators say this before, so ladies, gentlemen, cybernetic organisms and spaceborne monstrosities…

…LET’S GET IT ON!

Gezora sees that Tsar Bumble has gotten things rolling by sending a volley of ballistic missiles at its fervent foe. Gezora wonders if Centipope’s fight is over before it’s even begun?

Gezora thinks not! Gezora realizes that though those missiles might be fast, Centipope is faster. Gezora watches as, weaving its way through blasts left and right, Centipope quickly gains ground on Tsar Bumble. Gezora knows from earlier analysis that, though a formidable fighter from a distance, close quarters are not Tsar Bumble’s strong point. Gezora wonders if nothing will stop Centipope’s mad dash toward evening the odds?

Gezora might have overestimated Centipope’s speed advantage after all. Gezora realizes too late that Centipope strayed a little too close to one of the blasts, close enough to leave him battered and bloody, lying in pieces on the arena floor like a delicious, delicious appetizer. Gezora sees that he’s even lost his hat! Gezora has to ask, has God abandoned His left hand man… err… arthropod?

Gezora has found that Centipope is just full of surprises! Gezora spots Centipope holding in his Crozier Claw the Holy Hand Grenade, a non-regulation smuggled weapon! Gezora sees that neither the schism of his upper half from his lower nor the dripping of tantalizingly juicy entrails have done anything to stop his catholic zeal, and Centipope is seen lobbing his secret weapon at the stalwart Tsar Bumble.

Gezora loves the drama!


Gezora spots a direct hit to the starboard bow. Gezora sees that the power of the Holy Hand Grenade is more than adequate to punch through the thick Russian made armor Tsar Bumble possesses, and to really mess up all the scrumptious gooey bits contained within. Gezora thinks that would probably be enough to put Tsar Bumble off the deep end, but what’s more the blast seems to have knocked the boom box off its back. Gezora thinks that’s the final straw.

Gezora can feel the hatred emanating outwards and watches in awe as Tsar Bumble makes a mad dash toward its multi-legged adversary. Gezora sees that the bees have decided to give Tsar Bumble a helping stinger in this final conflict.

Gezora witnesses Centipope make a mad dash toward Tsar Bumble as well. Gezora is confused at first, but it slowly dawns on it that, in it’s enraged state, Tsar Bumble is vulnerable. Gezora thinks that, were Centipope to get a good blow in to the exposed lower belly or the gaping hole in its side, this whole match might be over.

Gezora is now being told that, yes, Tsar Bumble is about to metamorphose. Gezora thinks things are looking pretty grim for Centipope.

 

Gezora is in awe of the beauty of Tsar Bumble’s final form. Gezora’s eyes follow the soft curves of its swollen abdomen, up its suggestively shaped thorax, until finally reaching… Gezora wonders where the head has gone.

Gezora remembers! Gezora recalls Old Bitey biting Tunguska’s head clean off at the end of their battle. Gezora figures the body must have changed without the heads assistance, but without the head now, Tsar Bumble’s just so much juicy, tender, succulent meat. Gezora realizes that, though inert meat, it is still going to fall and crush Centipope. Gezora asks, will there even be a survivor at the end of this fight?

Gezora thinks so! Gezora watches in amazement as Centipope at the last minute brings his staff up, wedging it between the monstrous bulk and the arena floor.

Gezora calls this fight for Centipope!

----------

Gezora is now going to get drunker than it’s ever been. Gezora wonders who will join it at the bar for gallons of tentacled mojitos and pineal coladas?