The Rumble In The Topiary Jungle
'Nam Vet Yeti
'Nam Yeti: The Yeti became depressed after losing, realizing that all he was really good for was fighting. We decided to send him back to the 1970s and let him work for the UN, but he turned out to be the worlds worst peacekeeper. He was let go, but the UN is still too afraid to ask for their hat back. He wanted around for a few years until finding himself deep in the jungles of Vietnam with some unexplained upgrades. Now he's two electrified weapons and two more arms. With chainsaws. Hacking his way through the jungles, he's been to hell and back. Plus, he's got air support now. What sort of good Marine would be without their radio pack? We found the best llamas we could and put them through flight school, teaching them how to pilot Black Hawks. And did we mention his pimping Nerf Maverick, loaded with darts equip with stomach acid, just waiting to take down a certain cheeseburger?
Burger Lord: Never ones to turn down free marketing, the benefactors of the Argentine rendering fields have banded together to fund the reconstruction of Burgertherium into the fearsome Burger Lord. Boiling oil cannons and vanadium-claws have been upgaded with all the considerable resources of cultural imperialism, added to which is the highly corrosive "secret sauce" that now oozes from his weeping sores. Burger Lord's musculature has been enhanced with hot grease hydraulics to overcome the natural Megatherium slothfulness. Don't ask what's under the mask - the effects of X-enzyme are irreversible and not pretty.
You'll have to excuse the poor seating in the trenches dug deep into the station's hydroponics farm--in an effort to keep everyone somewhat safe, we've dug a series of foxholes from which the audience can safely watch the napalm and hot oil fly. This is Yeti territory, and he's been setting up something devious ever since we airlifted Burger Lord into the middle of the jungle. Burger Lord, on the other hand... well, he's just sitting there and being creepy as hell. What is he waiting for?
The Yeti has gone crazy. Repeat: The Yeti has gone crazy. Have the horrors of 'Nam really fried his brain so badly that he doesn't realize what danger he's put himself in?! He's just standing there, screaming and beating his chest like it was some sort of war drum while flailing his weapons about. This looks like it could be an easy fight for the Burger Lord.
Yes, this may be an easy fight. The Burger Lord is getting into position to strike right now, staring down the Yeti, ready to pounce and devour its prey.
No, 'Nam Yeti knew what he was doing the whole time! That trap has Burger caught and only semi-mobile! He's hanging on for dear life and may drop at any second. Look at that secret sauce oozing out... disgusting. The Yeti has him sweating now. Could this be the moment the Yeti has been waiting for?
Burger Lord is out of the pit! He is on his own feet again and he's barraging 'Nam Yeti using his main long-range weapon, hot oil! Every part of Yeti that is hit melts and the smell of burnt fur permeates the farm. Yeti is hobbled and disfigured. The stench is nauseating. This is one unhappy Yeti.
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Oh, the Yeti is not pleased. Not pleased at all.
Suddenly, they lunge at each other, screaming.
Oh... oh dear god, I think I'm going to throw up.
The mask is off.
Suddenly, it all comes rushing back to the Yeti. Leaving the jungle, fighting in the first round to a loss, his travels around the world, the horrors of war. Everything is staring at him in that meaty, mangled face. Everything he ever loved, cared for, worked for. Everything he ever hated, tried to kill, killed. It's all there in that horrible face. The mask was holding back the floodgates of his raw emotions. But now, that he's unhinged, who knows what will happen?
The Burger Lord knows what's running through the Yeti's head. The corporations told him that he would strike fear in the hearts of all those that opposed him. He knows that he is simultaneously delicious and frightening, necessary and unwanted. His powers make people sedentary in the eyes of their own doom. This yeti is just like all the others. He'll fold.
No one can resist having it their way. No one.
"Have It Your Way, Have It Your Way" You know what my way is? Hot. How 'bout a hamburger that is fucking hot?!
We need to believe, to trust like little kids, that someone wants what's best for us, that someone's looking out for us. That someone loves us. Do they? No. They lie to us! They lie about what's right, they lie about what's wrong, they lie about the fucking hamburgers! And when we realize they're lying, really realize it in our gut, then we get scared. Then we get terrified. Like children waking in the dark, we don't know where we are. "I had a bad dream! Mommy! Daddy! Sammy had a nightmare!" And daddy comes and takes me in his arms and says, "It's O.K., Sammy. Daddy's here. I love you, kid. Your mommy doesn't, but I do." And momma comes in and holds me tight and says, "I've got you, Bubala. I'm here for you. Your daddy isn't, but I am."...And then where are we? Who do we believe? What do we do?!
We do what we have to do. We kill the President.
Roger that. Napalm on your mark.
But you know what they say about war.
War is hell.
Anybody want a cheeseburger?
I thought not.
'Nam Yeti wins!