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Round One, Fight One - Imperaptor Versus Burgertherium


All the way from the Cretaceous via the Forbidden City, Imperial China's lethal ambassador to the modern era. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:


The Yongle emperor of 1410 was enthusiastic in working with zoofights representatives to acquire a monster suitably grandiose to represent Ming China. He settled with guidance on Gigantoraptor Erlianensis, a towering beaked therapod from the late cretaceous. Imperaptor weighs in at two tons replete with quilted plate armour, and has had its legs and tail augmented with hardened brass blades. In addition, it is armed with a zoofights-enhanced battery of mastercrafted rocket artillery and a jaw-slung flamethrower. Resplendent with bright plumage and polished metal, this lofty beast is as devastating in close combat as it is on the parade ground.

And squaring up against the venerable dinosaur, a shocking vision of a grim and greasy future - tremble before the disconcertingly appetising bulk of:


Hailing from a nightmare future Argentina controlled by fast food conglomerates, Burgertherium stretches the boundaries of bioengineering into a horrible place. Built to work half-submerged in the boiling fat vaults of the Buenos Aires food factories, the creature's bones and nervous system have been cloned from an extinct Megatherium ground sloth. Its flesh, however, is a seething mass of sweltering burger meat, constantly extruded from pores in its metallic endoskeleton. Worse yet, This greasy, sizzling brute is armed with scything Vanadium claws, and a high pressure hose capable of blasting boiling oil from tanks in its interior. I'm lovin' it.


Here's the latest intel, smuggled out of China in a sea-going scow, carried overland via yak and brought to Your Good Sirs' attention post haste via the swiftest carrier pigeon available.

Although we only got a glimpse of these two magnificent battle-ready beasts from afar, we did happen upon a travelling bonehunter on our way back from the latest photojournalistic expedition, and he pointed out to us that although the ancient Megatherium weighed twice as much as the Gigantoraptor, it was a stocky, compact beast in comparison to the more ancient raptor. In fact, he sketched this handy comparison chart for us:

As you can see, the Megatherium may be a bundle of dense muscle but the Gigantoraptor has great advantages of speed and reach.

After counting votes, and factoring in debate, spirit and graphics, odds stand at 90/130 in favour of IMPERAPTOR, giving him almost an almost exactly 70 percent chance of winning. Due however to the even standing of the votes until a surge of support for the dinosaur during the night, this one will be close, and vicious.


On the broken ground in front of the gate, Imperaptor takes in the hellish vista before him - the arena has been flooded with molten tallow, with only islands of scrap metal protruding from the boiling mess.


In the centre of the lake, a sizzling brown island emerges and moves towards shore. Withered eyes rise above the fat, followed by steely teeth and the barrel of a high pressure hose as Burgertherium lumbers towards his intended prey.

Rather than dash into the gloop, Imperaptor stays on the shore and taunts the frying monster with gaudy displays of his fine armour - enraging Burgertherium further. What the hell is he playing at? Doesn't he realise the damage that thing will cause when it gets close?

Just as one burgery leg rises from the oleaginous shallows of the flooded stadium, Imperaptor lets rip with one of three volleys of fine explosive rockets. Both projectiles slam into the meaty chest of the fast food fiend, sending it reeling and collapsing back into the fat with a gaping hole in its torso.

The dinosaur has bought itself time, but done little permanent damage - already the monster's futuristic metabolism, powered by the frying of its meaty flesh, is repairing the hole in the burgermeat. Far from weakening it, the splash back into the oil has merely given Burgertherium more energy to continue its relentless trudge.

Before long, Burgertherium has another go at the shore, hauling himself out with massive, grease-dripping arms. Imperaptor stands resolute - it has run itself deliberately on to the highest ground in sight, but there is little room to maneuver on the broken ground.

The Ming warrior fires his second volley of rockets, but they barely halt the progress of the behemoth - he shields his head with a delicious-smelling forearm, and takes the hits in a thudding meatburst that exposes metallic bone.

In seconds, Burgertherium will be in range for a direct hit with the boiling grease, but Imperaptor seems tired of running...

As the glug valves on the sloth's shoulder cannon splutter into life and the beast rears back to lunge forward, Imperaptor fires his final-


Bloody hell, we didn't see this coming. Someone loaded that dinosaur with fucking X-enzyme ammunition, and he's gone and shot two canisters of it into burgertherium's face. That stuff was designed by activists in the 23rd century to bomb the Buenos Aires meatpacking district, and it's designed to turn dead meat into mist. It's taking his goddamn face off!

Still, if Imperaptor can't get to the sloth's brain before he can get on his feet, he may still well be in the game...

... but to be honest with you, folks - I don't think he's going to be getting up from this.

Now we see the speed of the Chinese dinosaur, as he leaps up onto the carcass of his foe and arches his neck,...


...and finally ignites his flame jets, taking advantage of Burgertherium's state of shock to get in to deadly range.

The flame roasts the weakened skull of the monster, cooking off the brain and denaturing the potent cloud of enzymes before they become a threat to the Therapod King.


Phew! The numbers were crazy for that one - imperaptor was very fucking lucky.

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