Deep in the bowels of Victorian London, in an underground brick-vaulted arena choked by cigar smoke and the stench of money, whiskey and old moustaches, the financial, political and scientific overlords of the West are gathered to witness the first of fourteen nights of exquisite, state of the art zoological shitkicking. 

Presiding over the carnage is inept ex-officer of the union Major Failure – a crooked civil war Captain who, having absconded with a boxcar full of confederate gold, added a rank to his name for the fun of it, and set himself up with an abandoned army hospital and a square mile of sewers across the Atlantic in London. Hiring a small army of animal collectors, mercenaries, ethically bankrupt surgeons, and drunken and embittered zoologists, he now arranges pit fights between mechanically “enhanced” animals for the elite of the world to place ridiculously large wagers upon. And you all get to watch and decide what happens.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first ever symposium of the Zoofights society. Over the next two weeks you will witness the blood and grandeur of natural aggression and human engineering at its finest as sixteen biomechanical wonders from all corners of the globe battle it out for the title of KING OF BEASTS.

We’ll be holding a battle in the arena every night – the next eight days will see all 16 competitors squared up and pitted against each other to leave us with 8 winners to enter round two. Winners get fixed, and losers go to the incinerator. It’s old school, knock-out, steel on flesh Zoofights, and I promise it won’t collapse into a heaving mass of roleplaying, weird nanobot combat and psychotropic drug binges like last time.

This time round, you’ll be treated to artistic renderings of all the combatants by our state-of-the-art pneumatic robot cartoonist, H0g4rtH. We’ll come to those in a minute...
Meanwhile at ringside, the two hardest men of the nineteenth century, Bill “the butcher” Cutting and Al Swearengen will be offering their opinions of the contestants and their chances, as well as supplying expletive-peppered, blow by blow commentary on the fights themselves.

You’re in good hands.

After each fight is announced, you’ll have twenty four hours to register your prediction of the outcome. Based on your votes I will post the results of the fight in various forms for your amusement. 

So settle down, gather your popcorn, and roll up your sleeves. It’s going to get pretty fucked up from here on in. I’ll update this first post with links to all new matchups, fight results, and pictures as they happen. 

In a few minutes we'll be switching over to live recording from our man in the bookie's office, Jack the Ripper, who will be introducing our Brutes for you to pit against each other. 


A murderous figure haunts the fog-shrouded streets of Whitechapel. Some say he's a ghost, or a demon, or worse - a foreigner. Whatever he is, he's taken time out from gutting prostitutes to bring you insider information on the mysterious Zoofights. How he's getting this stuff is anyone's guess.