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Round 3, Fight 2


Representing The Ocean, Alcoholism and the Moxie Corporation...


After escaping the clutches of the ripper's monstrosity, the tournament's most intellectually tiny contendant has been sponsored by the Moxie Soft Drink and Moustache Wax Corporation as a new mascot for their brand, and given hugely expensive upgrades.

1) To showcase the wonders of 
moxie, this near-mindless brute now sports an immaculately waxed moustache and a sports leotard, having taken on the attitude and character of a punch-drunk circus strongman.

2) Steel-plated shearing teeth and a reinforced jaw mean a truly terrifying bite strength can now be achieved.

3) Two incredibly overpowered, probably very dangerous jet turbines bolted to the monster's back allow him to careen through the air screaming on the end of a column of oily smoke.

4)Oh yeah, he's got 
GIANT METAL HAMMERS INSTEAD OF HANDS. Hammers that he can shoot from his wrists at air-searing velocities should the urge overtake him. Which is literally certain to happen.

5) Our two favourite drunks, Messrs Stockbridge and Barrington, are still around - clinging on for dear life and toasting the dubious health of their new, vast and almost entirely mindless new mate. God help them.

6) The shark's original plankton-eating digestive system has been quite literally gutted and replaced with a giant oven. It looks brutal, and acts as a great place for the drunks to cook themselves a nice meal in between bouts.

7) Hammers. Hammers instead of forearms.


Representing Freedom, Industry and Manifest Destiny...


Stripped down and rebuilt after the ravages of the flooded arena last round, Bisoncraft is at the peak of his game.

1) Two side-mounted VTOL turbines and another at his tail give bisoncraft huge speed and maneuvrability.

2) Ammo drums feed the twin gatling guns scavenged from the panda beast, manned and aimed by two iron-willed pinkertons. They will still fire after the death of their operators, but with greatly reduced accuracy.

3) Bisontrain's fuselage is now compact and heavily reinforced, and his body is repaired with state-of-the-art steam prosthetics. Although the tesla whisks are gone, their generators still power his mighty heart.

4) Bisoncraft's face is no less intense than before. If anything, bisoncraft is still getting angrier.

5) The Pinkertons remain vigilant, wily and fond of waving American flags and crowbars. 

6) Bisoncraft is law, you are crime.



With a steady thud of steam turbines and the stalwart flutter of canvas flag, Bisoncraft scuds through crisp air as the sun rises over London. Cruising high above the smokestacks and the endless gun batteries of the Red Brute, Bisoncraft readies his mind for combat as his stalwart crew of pinkertons keep steely eyes set on the horizon for any sign of their carcharodont adversary. Moustaches rest on the rangefinders of gatling guns and hands rest on crowbars and broken bottles, whilst the mighty engines of the beast stand charged and ready for evasive maneouvres...

Thundering on a column of greasy black smoke, the Greatest Shark on Earth flies in low, backlit by the rising sun to hide his approach. By the time the pinkertons can focus their sights on the rapidly approaching hulk, all they can see is a blur of steel teeth and veiny flesh. There is only time to unleash a handful of bullets before the pneumatic-jawed titan is upon them, slamming into bisoncraft's fuselage at two hundred miles per hour. Adamantine bones are severely shaken, and machinery is slammed out of place: it is all the two drunks can do just to cling on to oily shark hide. Pinkerton men are sent sailing into the gulf of air above East london, whilst one unlucky outrider is catapulted right into the gullet of the shark. Flesh is rent, and steel is twisted.

With a sickening crack that reverberates off steel ship-plate and the rooves of distant warehouses and mills, the near-mindless predator uses every ounce of his moxie-boosted strength to rip one of bisoncraft's adamantine-boned forelimbs from his body. As blood fountains and engines whine to keep the American contender aloft, the two drunks clink bottles and toast the imminent victory of their savage host...


It seems the drunks have toasted victory too soon.

As the shark draws back to feast with a drunk's hunger on the severed limb of the Bison, the wounded beast focuses all concentration on its unmanned gatling guns and plows several hundred rounds of tungsten ammunition into the belly of its opponent in a matter of seconds...

All is not lost for the drunks. Even as his guts pour clotting blood into the air above London, the Greatest Shark on Earth lets out an unearthly roar and launches a vast hammer at huge speed into Bisoncraft's fuselage. The huge metal projectile strikes true, and shatters the strut attatching Bisoncraft's left turbine. Even as the shark bleeds catastrophically, his enemy drops into an uncontrolled spin and begins to plunge towards the distant city skyline...

Stockbridge and Barrington look at one another with extreme guilt as their mindless steed prepares to zoom in and savage the life from the crippled form of bisoncraft. They wonder for a moment exactly what affection they have for their host, save for the shared love of the bottle; after all, it is not long since they cowered in the shadow of the monster they now ride, pleading for a quick death. Seeing nothing but more hours of bleak company with a chomping, bellowing monster in their future, they feel remorse for their siding with such an inhuman force and decide to change their ways. Thinking quickly and acting rashly, Barrington pours an entire bottle of Zeus Juice into the gills of the Greatest Shark. The ridiculously strong booze sears the sensitive tissues of the once-was-basking-shark, and soon drowns it in the sauce it loves so much. The shark passes out, its tiny brain starved of oxygen, and loses all motor control.

Needless to say, the drunks had made no plans past this point...

With an appalling lack of foresight, the drunks tumble earthwards after the limp and unconscious carcass of their team-mate. As the shark rolls end over end towards the rooftops of docklands, Barrington and Stockbridge scream in their drunken stupour and flail desperately in mid-air. Safe from imminent attack from the Shark, Bisoncraft levels out from the savage tailspin and shakes his head in solemn dissaproval at the reckless humans as they spiral down towards the unforgiving earth.

With one engine snapped off and suffering grievous injuries from the steel jaws of the shark, Bisoncraft forgoes the prospect of an easy win and drops into a heroic powerdive after the hurtling forms of the two drunks. Air screams past the beast's horns as his face forms a mask of grim determination, and he diverts every ounce of energy from his electric heart to his turbines in order to accelerate his downward plunge. Inch by inch he gains on the wailing alchoholics, eventually swooping elegantly to collect them on his metal back mere moments before they become stains on a factory rooftop. The unconscious shark smashes into a puddle of cartilage and moxie-diluted blood in the midst of the streets of aldgate, whilst his American opponent roars over the tops of houses and dockyards with his cargo of bewildered cretins. Struggling under his two remaining engines, Bisoncraft staggers back to the hangars of the Red Brute for major repairs....



Preparations are being made to insert Contestant McGarry into the infested Vault by classified means. I will keep you updated as the situation develops. Behind the scenes, many people are going to begin working on this. Be prepared: when this shit starts, it will not finish.


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