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Round 2, Fight 1


The Jap engineers behind Steamcrab made a lightning-quick rush on vault Twelve the second the Martian was down, keen to scavenge what they could of the molluscian technology for the augmentation of their champion. As such, steamcrab has returned with a plethora of lethal upgrades. Luckily, we have the blueprint for you. 

1) An articulated Heat-ray, lifted from the unfinished frame of a tripod being constructed by the martian in its latter days. This devastating cannon can fire in any direction its master pleases, projecting forth a nightmarish wave of 300 degree heat that sears and blackens mortal flesh. 

2) As always, steamcrab can vent a gushing boil of white-hot exhaust from his supercharged engines - this time through a grille in the front of his armour.

3) Razor-edged Tungsten claws now comprise Steamcrab's foremost two pairs of legs. Although he no longer has the capacity for the old snipple-snapple, he can stab any fucker into an early grave with these sharpened appendages. 

4) Meanwhile, the Japanese competitor's back legs have been retrofitted with heavy-duty treads to ensure stability and traction while holding forth against the hated enemies of the Empire.

5) Steamcrab's boiler plant, legs and essential mechanisms have been plated in complex ceramic armour looted from the lair of the Martian. Extremely resistant to heat and psychic force, this six-inch thick plate will also deter all but the sturdiest of melee attacks.

6) Pipes and cogs, bitches.



After his brutal confrontation with the Ultraphant, Odin's Bear has been repaired and augmented in the image of his Norse master, with powers and machinery that may keep him functioning long enough to earn his place on the right hand side of Thor in Valhalla.

1) A pair of razor-beaked ravens now circle the bear-lord, watching for trouble and swooping to peck eyes out.

2) A tank of liquidised psilocybin mushrooms ensure direct application of psychotropic chemicals to the brain of the bear, in the event of sustaining extreme physical or mental trauma, thus turning the beast into a true berserker. 

3) Drill and anvil have been eschewed in favour of a vast whalebone-and-iron hammer found in the hold of a ruined Finnish warship, supposedly but non-demonstrably imbued with the rage and determination of Thor himself. Although the brute only bears one eye, it is supplemented by all manner of targeting and strategic displays. All in Old Norse, of Course.

4) Steel scalemail and crude viking cybernetics just barely patch up the colossal damage done to this competitor during round one. Rivets and iron bands may shear and snap at any moment, while rough stitching may splay open in a gaping mess of funereal gore at the application of modest trauma.

5) Hardcore riveted shoulderpads, aight.


In a twist of hubris, Steamcrab's massive upgrades have given his opponent a temporary advantage. The massive amounts of exhaust from his Martian-upgraded boilers have cloaked the arena in a thick fog, through which the Odin-bear stalks his armoured opponent, safe from the lethal heat ray. From out of this rolling mist swoop the bear's two huge ravens, who are quick to pluck out the crab's eyestalks - the only biological appendages remaining on Steamcrab's exterior. With visual targeting thus out of action, and infra-red targeting hinderd by the icy cold of the Norse Warrior's body, OdinKarhu is safe to advance further...

Sensing the footfalls of the ursine giant, Steamcrab lets lose a monstrous volley of superheated gas from his front grille, cooking off the souls of the two ravens and roasting the air to searing temperatures. The bear thinks quickly and prises a piece of scrap metal from the arena floor, holding it up like a huge shield to shelter him from the worst of the steam blast.

The crustacean had forseen this ingenuity - he had never expected his ventral blast to roast his enemy, but merely to make him visible. With metal armour now radiating excess heat from the intense blast, Odin's warrior is painted brightly in the weird alien crosshairs of the heat ray... Steamcrab locks on immediately.

With a scream of ionised air the dread martian beam stabs at the bear, instananeously setting light to one half of him. Flames dance through white hair and soon Odinkarhu is a hulking torch, billowing smoke and crisping up like roasted pork. It is time for drugs. Bellowing his wish to be with his Gods soon, the giant fills his blood with a dozen stimulants and hallucinogens and charges forward in a ball of flame...

Summoning the last of the strength in his body as muscles wither to charred meat over cracking bones, Odinkarhu swings his northern hammer in a blurred arc - dedicating the last moments of his brutal life to one final act of awe-inspiring violence. With a crack heard in the streets of London above the Arena, the ancient stone smashes into Martian ceramic and crumples the body of the armoured warrior. Legs are shattered, boilers burst and pipes knotted by the devastating impact. Fuel lines pour their volatile blood into the belly of the broken crab, and strange machines from the Red Planet overheat and crackle with blue fire. A great rumbling begins...

With a thunderclap and a ball of bright green fire, the top of the crab's carapace detonates spectacularly. The blackened bones of the bear, held together now by little more than hate and the pride of dying Gods, splinter and tumble away in the concussion, leaving the grey rags of the warrior's soul to drift away to his Father's Table. It is over... but what is this, stirring in the blackened shell of the Japanese war engine?

Somehow, kept alive by Martian Symbiotic technologies, something of Steamcrab has survived. His gelatinous, invertebrate innards, near boiled inside their metal shell, have formed a sort of cohesion under the protection of machines designed to nurture soft-bodied martians in hazardous conditions. Blind, feeble and without a shell, the gentleman warrior lives to fight in the semi finals.


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