Saturday
Mar192011

Round Three - Battle Five Outcome

There is no winner. This fight is the sign of the end.

This fight wasn’t because we wanted the fan favorite to beat the villain. This fight was because we want to destroy something that will likely be the end of us all, and The Alliance is the best thing we’ve got to throw at it. 

This match began with Das Ziegenmancer coming from somewhere, taking residence in the center of the arena. In a truly perverse act, the majority (where we assumed the goat was residing, among …other things) of the flesh took the shape of a giant infant’s head, held up on twelve pylons of necrotic tissue. We are not entirely sure where the goat got the flesh that surrounded him; it’s significantly more than there could possibly be.

The Alliance entered the ring and immediately took evasive action. Das Ziegenmancer cocked the infant’s eyebrow, an acknowledgement in swirling flesh and bone, but otherwsie remained motionless. 


The Alliance, realizing this peace would not last long, began to formulate a plan. They created their signature riot-shield fortress, now with a ceiling to protect from aerial attacks, and used this as a base of operations. The Head was approximately thirty feet above the ground, within reach of the Walruses leap, but only superficial blows could be landed from their current vantage.

While they plotted, Das Ziegenmancer made a cursory attack, sending a pillar of flesh the size of a subway car into the steel fortress. Luckily the interlocking shields held, the attack served no purpose aside from shaking the wills of the Alliance. The Alliance are not shaken easily. 

After Das Ziegenmancer's probing attack, the plan was formulated. The Alliance broke down their steel fortress and went to work. The three walruses launched the shields into the left eye of the beast, which is where there was the highest concentration of bone, evidence as to the goat's location. The walruses, adept at throwing shit, then launched the three orangutans into the crater they had made. The orangutans scrambled and got into formation, each of them turning their electrified nets inside out, and using them as blankets to ward off the impending flesh attack. The nets worked, luckily. Each tendril of flesh touched the nets and was promptly shocked into submission. Electrical safety blankets keeping their backs safe, they began their attack. Using their monomolecular eggwhisks, they tunneled into the eye, stopping any counterattack by liquefying the flesh. After softening the eye with their whisks, their work was done and they leaped to the ground, narrowly avoiding tentacles of meat. This was up to the walruses now.

They began to take positions. Two lay down, the third lay above them, with a single orangutan on his back. They sent him flying into the softened flesh, the baby's left eye. Lightsabers held upward, he hurtled through the now-gelatinous eye, into a well-furnished room. 

The room contained two things.

The goat, not even aware of what's going on at this point, asleep and dreaming. The other thing in the room?

A single, beautiful swan. 

Before the Walrus or the Orangutan could make an attack, tentacles of flesh snapped out of the walls and tore them to pieces. The pieces were thrown unceremoniously out of the room, a room that would be on the thirteenth floor of the Marriott that's in the seventh ring of hell. With a single command from the swan, the "eye" that had been wrenched open slowly closed. 

The remaining members of the Alliance gathered up the pieces of their fallen friends, and ran as fast as they could out of the arena. The walruses killed five scientists on the way to the upgrades room. The fight was over. 

Das Ziegenmancer has not left the stadium and we cannot make him.

Saturday
Mar192011

Round Three - Battle Six Lineup

Alright you m**********rs, you can carry on talking about what you've just seen but as of now you are all under lockdown. 24 hours from now you bastards will face Chuggatherium in the arena and until then you will be secluded from the rest of the complex. You are combatants now, not spectators. As such you had better get planning a strategy. All you have is what you brought in. Good luck, c*******rs.


 Battle Eight - Sloth is a Deadly Sin 


CHUGGATHERIUM
 A giant ground sloth with rending claws, gamma pulse lasers, an anglerfish's head and a flashbang lure.

Our scienticians have been working round the clock to finish this nightmarish gladiator, and it no longer bears the soul of a sloth.

The blind head has been scrapped and replaced with the head of a vast anglerfish, which simply has very poor sight. In front of its cavernous, needle filled jaw hangs a fleshy lure which can emit a flashbang pulse that doesn't affect its vile owner.

The wrists have been dismantled and replaced with exceedingly long skeletal claws. On the wrist joint itself, each arm is bonded with a gamma pulse laser which shoots intense green bursts of radiation at a focussed point. It has a slow rate of fire, but the beam can shoot through cover and other targets 


VERSUS


The Disgraced Audience


Everyone who has posted in any zoofights thread ever, armed with whatever you said you took in with you. You can't get anything new. Your only hope is to formulate an incredible team strategy. So don't worry about making a prediction for this fight if you don't want to - the important thing is to coordinate and work out a plan

--------------------

Editor's Note:  Here's where things began to get ropey.

List of posessions:

Irish txi driver: I smuggled a rifle and a spatula in here, what did you bring?

Indecisive Mexican: A loaded .45 single action army revolver, a bar of soap, and half a pastrami sandwich.

Cotton B Gross: Some paper towels

Firestorm: 
Dental floss
Half a roll of duct tape
A screwdriver with interchangeable heads
And a pair of fuzzy dice

mr bad guy: Also, I do believe I saw one of the Disraced Audience members wielding a Force FX Lightsaber replica? A polycarbonate tube in th right hands can be a pretty devastating weapon...

timtotal: I'm smuggling in a bungee cord, and an electric motor that isn't attached to anything. Oh god I don't want to die

madrox:As for myself, I have only what I was carrying at the time of the fight. I have my keyring with mini swiss-army knife, wallet, and uh..er 3 sticks of Winterfresh gum. We're screwed.

spoonsy: Oh, if anyone wants to share, I've a leaf blower and some tasers. If I could borrow that screwdriver, I'm sure I could modify the blower to blow out the tasers or something cool like that.

mitya: oh yeah, I smuggled in some Sockem Boppers. Bring on those fucking owls.

hawaii five-o: 
Also, don't tell the cops about this, but I smuggled in some good shit. I was hoping to use this to melt Eric Bauman's hard drive, but I snuck in a condom full of black rust thermite I got off eBay just in case any of the contenders got loose in the audience. A bit of magnesium wire krazy glued on and an Ozzfest 2003 lighter makes a highly unreliable, dangerous, and powerful incendiary. I'll give this to you guys if you agree to let me hide in the back and curl up in a fetal position.

irish drunk:I smuggled in Guinness and whiskey, lots of Guinnes and whiskey.

dr smasher: 
I managed to get a rusty machete and an iPod Nano with about half the battery life and lots of metal music loaded onto it past security. and some headphones for myself.

laundreu:I brought . The emoticon. I am sure he will protect me with his grim, frostbitten powers.

pfizeman: 
I'm bringing in a 10 foot pole, a bag of marbles, a piece of chalk and 50ft of hemp rope.

captain q: 
I brought my spider-man underoos and a bike helmet with me into the losers' chamber. I am ready for anything.

EDIT: Also a lead pipe. Just call me the Buggernaut.

spalding: 
I brought a watch with a button that may or may not summon something, and a stop sign.

jim the nickel: 
Oh, and I brought a pair of wingtip shoes and some scented candles.

sumyunggai: Oh yeah, I'll bring my Honda CR-V to the match. Someone's got to drive.

sgt. rapeslaughter: 
Also, I brought a smoking jacket, a pack of Camel Filters, and a book of matches.

cornwind evil: 
I brought a toaster placed in a big pillowcase. Hey, it worked damn well in the Langoliers!

amputee: Me, I smuggled in a pack of guitar strings. Only really effective at short range, but better than nothing, I guess.

mezzanon: - A cheap bottle of wine
- A bottle of aloe vera
- A Nice watch
- A scorching sunburn

superschmoe: Also, for what it's worth, I've got an empty (aluminum, not plastic) bottle of Coke Citra, 2 packages of beef jerky, and a folding shovel. We're so screwed.

the arisen: Oh, and I brought along a fireman's axe, Anaal Nathrakh CD, and two burger buns. Bring on the owls! 

fishmonkey: I'm sneaking in a bag of M&M's in my vagina.

curioussymptoms: I've managed to sneak in a stack of CDs and a ragged copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses" with a coffee stain on the front.

sesq: Anyhoo, I have an experimental neutrino cofiguration/deconfiguration maser. It should come in handy... wait no. It'a an electric toothbrush. I'll need some batteries for it.

stitches: I smuggled in an ancient, tiny Aztec stone box that I was told must never be opened. I bought it off a really old and venerable Aztec High Priest (read: hobo) in Peru for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

hallucinogenic toreador: Sadly all I brouht into the arena was a giant foam hand with "Institution #1" written on it. Oh, the irony!

innominate one: EDIT: Luckily, I planned ahead and brought my vampire slaying kit- crosses, garlic, and wooden stakes all around!

agashiel: 
All I brought was my barbecue set with steakknives, some raw steak, a coleman grill, some cooking fluid, and a box of matches. Hey, fuck you, they're long matches, and the hotdogs here are expensive and always taste like swan feathers.

fatkraken: all I brought into the Arena was a supply of strong antihistimines (I'm allergic to animal fur) and a six pack of beer, in glass bottles. Fuck.

cuddlechunks: Oh, I'm also wearing a solid metal belt buckle and my official Shitkicker boots. They give me a +3 to all kicking attacks and do piercing damage to soft tissue.

dr monkeythunder: 
As for the combat contents of my pockets: flask of everclear, 4" lockblade, napkins, Zippo lighter, ball of string, live mouse, and a melting stick of butter

desumaytah: I managed to smuggle in the entire series of Ultraman Nexus on some bootlegged Hong Kong DVDs.

acejackson42: If I'd known f'n Attenborough was going to show up I'd have brought my tectonic neuralizer. As it is, all I have is a pack of cards and one of those shitty scissor jacks.
Why does this shit always happen to me?

denereal venease: I have brought a decent if slightly unreliable chainsaw, a medium sized bowie knife, a Five-Seven pistol, and a pack of Juicy Fruit (20 pieces, enough for eveeyone!) into the audience holding cell.

toenail ninja: As for our fight, I've only got my wooden sword. Thank god I was on my way to practice after this, but who knows if we'll make it now.

sgtgravy: 
I'm not sure if I'm too late, but I smuggled in a chessboard and a stuffed hippo which conceals a gram of cocaine.

levitate: 
oh and for what it's worth, I have a small laser pointer, a large roll of duct tape, and a thermos full of hot chocolate. this is gonna suck, isn't it?

mom, ok: 
In other news, I've managed to smuggle in several Brazilian Wandering Spiders in a lunchbox. I didn't actually mean to do this, but I had a banana and it inexplicably had an egg sac that just hatched. So, I have lots of deadly spiders and no banana.

dr.smasher:
I've also discovered that in addition to the machete and iPod, I have a flask of whiskey. I don't know how I forgot that.

thurin: If we're not able to escape before that arena door opens, I have a leatherman tool, my wallet, keys with an infared remote unlock thing, cell phone and a roll of electrical tape. (Literally my pocket contents)

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