Saturday
Mar192011

Round Two - Battles One and Two Lineup

Round one has been, frankly, cataclysmic. Owl patrol have gone feral in the Canadian wilderness surrounding the arena. The necrogoat has assumed powers we would rather not talk about, and Swanmass has definitely NOT returned to scare the shit out of us.

Now, all of round one's winners and losers have been cybernetically "improved" to compete in round two, for your amusement. As in round one, there will be two fights every twenty four hours.

First, we'll pit the winners of round one against each other.

Fight One: A Grizzly Conundrum

Team Chainjaw - two saltwater crocodiles with augmented cybernetic steam carriages and chainsaw jaws.

Team chainjaw lost one member and a lot of organs to the pitiless guns of bee unit, and as such have been rebuilt as clanking steam powered centipedes with chainsaw-jawed crocodile heads. They are eight metres long and are ponderous but agile.

VERSUS


Sergeant Grumbles - an incredibly determined and huge bear in a military uniform with a solid gold shotgun and high calibre gold ammo. 

Now simply the King of Canada, without a jaunty apostrophe, Sgt. Grumbles is as furious as he is destructive. Grumbles has cast aside his delirium and cowardice since the last round, and is ready to roll with any punches on the road to glory. He has a ridiculously powerful shotgun made from solid gold, with matching ammunition. He has also grown a rugged moustache. 

Fight two: Grumble in the Jungle

Owl Patrol

They're scheduled to fight in this match, but we haven't seen them all in one place since we lost containment during round one. Worryingly, there actually seem to be more of them, from what we can gather of sightings in the bleak wilderness surrounding the ZOOFIGHTS complex.

VERSUS

The Hive Lions

Unfortunately, the amount of damage Chuggatherium did to the tortoise was epic, and we have scrapped the plodding beast entirely. Instead, the server is now wirelessly spread across a network of two dozen ferrets. There is nothing atypical about these ferrets, beyond the nodes implanted at the bases of their spines. Control does not reside with any of them, as it didn't with the tortoise, instead they provide greater (or possibly less) coverage for the lions to wreak havoc. The lions become less and less active as more ferrets are destroyed, and it should be noted that the lions are not aware that killing the ferrets results in their own destruction. The lions have been given cybernetically augmented tendons, allowing for faster run speeds and longer jump distances. The lions have also been painted black because they are clearly badass.

Saturday
Mar192011

Round Two - Battles One and Two Outcome

Well, no surprises in the arena tonight as far as our pundits were concerned, with the tournament’s patriotic figurehead and its most controversial faction sweeping away opposition to cannon into the third round untouched. 

Battle one, Winner:
Sgt Grumbles 

As the crocs charged, roaring and revving, grumbles stood motionless. As they came within 100 feet, seventy feet, thirty feet…

In the instant before the King of Canada was railroaded by two jaws worth of whirring teeth, he unloaded both shotgun barrels into the mouth of the furthest croc and – in one fluid motion – used the gun’s recoil to boost it round his wrist and into a lethal killing arc connecting with the closest beast’s brainpan. Both animals were killed instantly.

Grumbles slowly turned round to face the twin furrows the dying crocs had carved as they lost the momentum of the charge. He spat in each of the long graves, and then walked calmly away.

And the winner of Grumble in the Jungle is: 


Owl Patrol

We are very concerned. Owl Patrol is becoming a threat to the Zoofights establishment. As of last night, one of the CEO’s body doubles was found with his throat slit, and “HOOT HOOT” written in his blood on the wall. This is not a good sign, but I digress. This bout was a wash, honestly. There was no darkness, no sneaking. Owl Patrol dropped from the skies, leaping from the audience into the ring. They formed a circle around the arena floor, and waited for a lion to charge them. The lions, confused by the aerial nature of the attack, balked for a moment, then one made a leap at a single Owlman, which proved to be a tragic mistake. The Owlman dodged out of the way, leaped onto the offending lion’s back, and began stabbing it in the brainpan. As the lion made its spasmodic death throes, the Owlman leaped onto yet another lion, performing the same maneuver. Both the audience and the commentators realized this was clearly not an ordinary Owlman, this was the one in charge. Unlike the snowy down of the others, this one’s plumage was pure black, and it was carrying an ancient cavalry sword. We had found their leader, but there is nothing we can do about it at this point. Two lions down, the leader dismounted from his now-useless mount, gave a cry that was a union between human anguish and owl-like wisdom, and the rest of the Owlmen fell on the final lion, choosing not to use their weapons but instead their twisted hands to tear the beast apart. The owls walked out of the stadium, leaving the both the audience and the entire control booth speechless. While the Swanmass provided a sense of danger, we were always aware there was a solution. With the Owlmen, there is no way we could find and exterminate all of them. We’ve done wrong, and it appears they’re going to make us pay for it. 

Saturday
Mar192011

Round Two - Battle Three Lineup

Fight Three: Sloth is a deadly sin.
In this fight of the loser’s bracket, we have 

Hart 2 Hart - Upon reflection, perhaps there were an unnecessarily large amount of heads on the bodies, and perhaps an unnecessary amount of clones. This is unfortunate, but once we’ve struck an idea, we're not quite willing to give up. Two more clones of Owen Hart have been thawed, but this time only one shark's head a piece has been implanted, to replace their own. The Harts now ride atop custom-made mounts; we grafted a Great White Shark's head upon a Hippopotamus body. The Harts have also been given body armor akin to that worn by swat teams, except it has a flame paintjob so it looks cooler. Both Harts are obviously limited in their melee capabilities, and are now wielding flame-throwers that spew napalm. They are not immune in any way to its fiery destruction, and have poor aim due to their shark-eyes.

Chuggatherium - After being torn to pieces by the Hive Lions, Chuggatherium was dragged off the field and massive reconstructive surgery began. At the top of each wrist, a tremendous whip has been placed, each carries a current capable of knocking out an adult human, not to mention the sheer destructive nature of a two hundred pound whip. The optical nerves remain deactivated, but almost the entire front portion of the skull has been reworked into a massive sinus cavity, filled with the most sensitive olfactory tissue available to our labs. The sound receptors have been toned down slightly, and given those headphones you see advertised in airplane magazines, the ones that tune out background noise. We aren't sure if this is going to help, but it seems likely.

Saturday
Mar192011

Round Two - Battle Three Outcome

FIGHT THREE - WINNER:CHUUUUUUUUUGGATHEEEEERIUM!

Chugs provided the win we had been hoping for when we built him, decimating the hapless shark brothers before they had really gotten involved in things.

The three mounted brothers motored across the arena ready for a scrap with the epic sloth, but a super crossover two armed whip swipe quartered the head of the central sharkapotamus, sending it to its knees where it rolled over and crushed its rider horribly. Chugs's sense of smell was obviously more accurate than we had thought.

Disaster loomed for Chugs, as each of the remaining shark beasts gnashed each of chugs' hands, and our hero found himself with a shark hippo and rider wedged onto the end of each arm. As the shark brothers prepared to dismount, run up chuggatherium's arms and finish the battle, Chuggatherium caused a standing ovation by lifting his arms into the air and hoisting his enemies above him.

It was then he revealed his secret modification: single shot hyper stength beam lasers built into the thick bone of each forearm. Oh shit son.

With the most hardcore noise imaginable, Chuggatherium vaporised his own hands and a two foot diameter tunnel through his enemies , letting the two surviving shark brothers collapse to the floor before beating them to death with the cauterised stumps of his wrists. 

Saturday
Mar192011

Round Two - Battles Four and Five Lineup

Fight Four: Fungal Infection

Cap'n Jack – In all honesty, calling this competitor Cap'n Jack is more of an honorific than a description. Whereas Jack is back from his meaty near-grave, he's not the Gigantopithecus he once was. Even more deranged and retreated into the world of Pirates of the Carribean, the only thing that may be able to bring him to his senses again is news of the imminent release of the "pirates" sequel. At the worst of times though, at least he is still up for a fight. However, at least he is being well guarded during this volatile period. Now there is only one Ork, the other having better things to do (being shot by other, less terrifying creatures), but he is clad in a particularly deadly Super Stompa Suit, a bipedal warmachine slightly more agile than your average. Equipped with a rather large hammer in one hand, and a net gun in the other, this machine is based around melee combat. It's not a particularly fast machine, but a direct hit from the hammer would flatten a tank. It should be noted, the body has been painted red to increase the speed slightly. 


Versus:

Snakes on a Brain
 – We dragged the beast from the battlefield and shook our heads. So much promise. Fortunately, we've got lots of money and scientists, and almost no morals, so rebuilding this monstrosity didn't prove difficult. We lost three snakes, but made up for it by giving the five left a coat of cybernetically assisted armor. The dome has been rebuilt, and instead of a laser, a rocket launcher has been placed. SOAB can use this to rocket jump up to distances of 45 feet, which could prove useful. Fewer snakes gives the brain more control over the beasts, but for some reason (despite vitamin therapy and surgery) the brain seems sluggish in its responses, and moves rather jerkily since last round's defeat. 


Fight Five: A Salty Mouthful (thanks Puzzle Pirates)

Mr. Atlantic – Mr. Atlantic is not a happy customer, to be honest. He was furious that he lost last round, and we decided to do our best to help the poor, misguided bastard out. We've increased his strength tenfold, through a combination of grafted adrenal glands pumping adrenalin directly into his bloodstream, and a pair of PowerFists stolen directly from the Brotherhood of Steel. He's easily capable of punching a hole through a three foot thick titanium wall. Unfortunately, he's still pretty fucking stupid. 


VERSUS

The End
 - We have no idea how these things mate, but they have. With a libido rivalling the most amorous of rabbits, these sins against god have bred more than enough to make up for losses last round. The carpt of lobsters is now vast enough to fill the whole arena to a depth of 2 foot. The ones that survived last round have grown shells, perhaps due to their exposure to the rugged Canadian air. The shells could probably stop a low calibur bullet, but not much more. It seems that the increased number results in an increased current, so their charge would do significantly more damage.