AND THE RESULTS ARE IN
ZOOFIGHTS: Round one, fights one and two – Results are now in!
Battle One – Die or Get Rich Trying
WINNER: Team Chainjaw by 46 to 18
The tournament began with unparalleled savagery in this gruesome confrontation, where – as many analysts noted – the wrongly embodied souls of rappers G-unit were at a hideous disadvantage against the hulking forms of team chainjaw.
Bee Unit made their first mistake in playing the arena crowd before the start of the match. They became so wrapped up in their trash talking and posturing that they failed to notice that the steadily accelerating bass beat underlying their spiel was provided not by a DJ but by the thundering footsteps of three gargantuan steam-powered reptiles heading towards them from their arena entrance ramp.
As Tony Yayo realised that the shaking of the earth and the sudden roaring of chainsaw motors was not a part of his posse's act, he turned round in panic: just in time to fire a wild shot in the direction of the crocodile that was hurtling unstoppably towards the stage with buzzing jaws wide open.
The shot was lucky, rupturing a vital pneumatic feed line on the croc's left leg and sending it skidding onto its side. As the crocodile keeled over and thrashed in the dust it sent its wingmen flying in a mass of scrambling craws and tails, but not before it had scooped up both Lloyd Banks and Young Buck in its cavernous, mechanised jaws.
Chitin splintered and bee insides gushed out of massive rents, while Fifty and Yayo concentrated fire on the head of the downed croc: they drilled a neat nine bullets through its brain before the dust had settled When it did however, a chilling sight awaited the two rappers.
While one crocodile had landed badly on its neck and was teporarily stunned, the other was undamaged and had reared up to its full height over fifty and Yayo, ready to come crashing down in a frenzy of whirling teeth.
The two would-be gangstas whipped out semi-automatics and fired wildly into the descending tower of scaly flesh, but to no avail. Although their wax-slowed bullets tore chunks out of the creature, it made short work of consuming Yayo and scything fiddy in half with some vicious chainjaw action.
Battle two: Shark Sandwich
WINNER: Kings O'Canada by 31 to 17
A straightforward start to the fight saw the shark foundation roar in abject suffering as they charged headlong into the iron shields of the kings. A monstrous crossbow bolt to the torso of the lead brother knocked it backwards, but its comrades rushed onward, thoroughly panicking the bears - who had expected to get off more shots before things got nasty.
As such, one of the two bears broke and ran as the sharks closed on him, leaving his brother to be overwhelmed by three muscly, cartaliginous nightmares. He tried to drown out the noise of his comrade being devoured, but it was no good. Memories came flooding back - memories of the forest. The lions attacking his brethren, the order for the counterattack to begin... the sweet, sweet taste of honey and the bitter shame that had consumed him ever since.
Enough was enough. Sergeant Grumbles turned around. Bellowing like a wounded God, Grumbles thundered into the melee to help his team-mate, smashing the bodies of sharks like crisps and tearing shark heads off enhanced musculature effortlessly.
As it was, it was impossible to save his companion - but that day, Sergeant Grumbles saved himself. Standing atop the pile of defeated sharks and savaged bearflesh, he roared triumphantly and hurled his shield into the crowd, before smashing his crossbow across a knee and vowing never again to avoid a fight.