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Saturday
Mar192011

Round One - Battles One and Two Lineup

ROUND ONE, BATTLE ONE: DIE OR GET RICH TRYING 

3. Team chainjaw – 3 saltwater crocodiles with augmented legs and chainjaws

Lore:

These 25 foot saurian giants retain the minds they possessed before their capture, but “enjoy” the benefits of vastly more efficient traction systems. While their front legs remain unimproved, their entire rear hip assembly has been replaced by a mass of pneumatic pipes, steam boilers and piston cylinders that can propel each animal forward on two legs at a frighteningly fast charge. The range of this dash is limited, since after severe exertion, the rig requires a minute or two to build up steam once more. At the sharp end of the crocodile’s steam charge is a vicious jaw mechanism comprising hinged sets of teeth set on a high-rpm belt in the manner of a chainsaw.

Strengths:

The legs of these fiends allow for a devastatingly rapid frontal attack, whilst their teeth can rip, smash and rend through almost any armour.

Weaknesses:

Each burst of speed requires a considerable recuperation period. In addition, the dental attrition caused by the chainjaw is massive, shattering the croc’s own teeth into lethal, jagged stumps but eventually leaving a mouth of rounded nubs that will only erode armour until surgically replenished.

Special skills:

The bipedal gait of the crocodile’s charge allows the reptile to reach a towering height of 15 feet, and if charge distance is slightly sacrificed a substantial leap of 30ft may be made by the animals.

Points of interest:

The crocodile’s hip assembly boilers are constantly fed coal by flocks of tiny trained birds. The chainjaw teeth are only worn smooth by the hardest materials, but will be smashed asunder by extended assault on any substance harder than the most tender flesh.


VERSUS


Bee Unit – 50 Cent’s mind, trapped within the body of a man-sized, almost flightless Bee, supported by six similarly impaired hip-hop cronies, each brandishing various pollen and wax-clogged gats, lead pipes and other ghetto weapons. 

(thaks so much twoheaded boy for this)

Lore: 
Acclaimed rapper 50 Cent came to our offices under the pretense of having a giant spinning rim implanted directly into his chest, composed mostly of diamonds made out of cops that had been subjected to tremendous amounts of pressure. There were no such diamonds to be found, only our scientists and their terrible hubris. 50 was summarily stunned, and his brain placed into the frame a giant bee that had undergone minor cybernetic augmentation. The bee had been granted an increased running speed, and stinging (while still only usable once) is now longer fatal. Due to its size, it had lost the boon of flight. One by one, the members of G-Unit had followed 50, only to find themselves likewise locked into Apoideac shells. 

Tactics: 
The group contains the current members excluding one.50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo, Young Buck, Olivia, Mobb Deep, M.O.P., and Spider Loc. Ma$e never looked for 50, and has subsequently returned to the altar. They have all undergone extensive training; they have no difficultly using their bee-bodies. All have been given microphones so they retain their ability to verbally debase the enemy using “freestyle”, but only after someone has “dropped a beat”. 

Strengths: 
Should B-Unit be fighting a single opponent, they will have little trouble dispatching him; they will attack one person unflinchingly. Each member was given a weapon of a fairly conventional variety, both 50 and Tony Yayo possess handguns, but unfortunately due to their insect nature, they are prone to jamming, pollen and wax have found their way into the guns previously and will likely find their way there on the field. The only member with a particularly noteworthy weapon is Lloyd Banks, who carries a flamethrower with limited ammunition. The other members have been given wrenches, lead pipes, baseball bats, and various other melee weapons to use. Young Buck has been given a sword at his request. Their stingers are one-time-use, but are coated in a deadly poison, for this our researchers turned to the Diplomats’ leader Cam’Ron, and he has since supplied us with a particularly deadly version of Sizzurp. 

Weaknesses:
While B-Unit is not physically as dependant on a hive mind as normal bees, they will likely falter should 50 die. It is rumored that there is more than one Wanksta in the group that has never seen battle, but this is unconfirmed. Mobb Deep and Olivia have both been hospitalized due to injuries sustained; they have repeatedly taken 
their limited flight abilities beyond what they are capable of. 

Special skills: 
Limited flight capability, confidence that reaches almost obscene levels, and each member is wearing a pair of G-Unit sneakers on their bee-feet.

Points of Interest:
It is likely that if rapper “The Game” enters the ring, he and 50 will battle for many months to no conclusion, and then call a press conference to declare their truce. This will popularize the fight, but leave many true fans grumbling due to its possibly clandestine motives.

 FIGHT TWO: SHARK SANDWICH 

Kings o’ Canada – two vast bears in amusing mountie costumes with shields, explosive-tipped crossbows and timid dispositions

Lore:
After the embarrassing containment failures during last year’s tournament at Zoofights’ African arena in Mogadishu, the Canadian government were naturally apprehensive about our proposal to hold this year’s tournament in the province of Ontario. Negotiations were tense, but bribery and a bit of blackmail regarding their collaborations with our weapons division during WWII soon had them on side. In concession to the Canadian national spirit, we were persuaded as a dealbreaker to include a patriotic Canadian force in this year’s zoofights, and so became the “Kings o’ Canada”. No expense has been spared to capture and train Canada’s two largest bears, and kit them up like a pair of giant, roaring mounties. Unfortunately, the endless beatings and electric shocks required to “convince” them to dress in such uncomfortable and amusing costumes have left these two epic omnivores in a frightened and confused disposition. Not to worry though; although initial ferocity is low in these specimens, everyone knows that fear and confusion can easily be mixed and ignited to create a heady cocktail of rage and desperation. These ruggedly handsome uniformed fellas generally adopt a cautious and defensive stance at first, hiding behind their enormous iron shields and taking carefully aimed shots with their oversized siege crossbows. Soon enough though, they run out of ammunition or get charged, and the roaring and slashing begins. Good times.

Strengths:
The bears are very good shots, and hugely powerful in a fight, providing they don’t cower and attempt to flee or curl into a ball upon being rushed, which occasionally occurs. Although rarely the first to enter a fight, if these two survive long enough to return blows they’ll cause serious and often fatal damage.

Weaknesses:
These bears are cowards. In addition, their dashing and yet comical costumes restrict their movements despite providing minimal armour benefits. Also, each has only 5 crossbow shots loaded, with no bolts to spare.

Special skills:
In close combat, this pair will often use their massive shields to bash opposition a considerable distance away from them, giving them time to scamper away and try to bolster their confidence to fight.

Points of interest:
The bears’ shields are 8ftx6ftx2inches of solid cast iron, and thus hard to move even for a massive bear. Their crossbow bolts are impact weapons rather than penetrating ones, delivering a percussive, low-yield explosive contact quite capable of breaking bone or ruining flesh without having to penetrate the skin.


VERSUS


The shark brothers – four steroid-enhanced clones of Owen hart’s corpse, with shark heads sewn onto the torsos, hands and neck

Lore:
What greater tribute to the late wrestling legend Owen Hart could you wish for than for a bunch of shark heads to be sewn onto a series of crude clones of his body? His corpse had barely come to rest after hitting the canvas when zoofights geneticists disguised as referees rushed into the ring and began harvesting tissue samples. The corpse was not even cool by the time we transmitted the first genetic data to our cloning tanks, and within 14 rushed months the clones were fully grown and ready to be improved. With the brain downgraded for toughness and relocated to the centre of the torso, the neck was free for the installation of a tiger shark’s head. After that surgery was complete we felt a bit anticlimactic, and so decided to sew more shark heads on in place of the forearms and another in the centre of the chest, just for the fun of it. Now four of these bad boys are up and running, following several years of steroid training and minor improvements, and they’re ready to rumble once more in the name of science. Some have accused us of disrespect to the memory of a sports entertainment legend, and others still have called our prompt arrival on the scene of death suspicious, but to them we say this: Are we ruthless? Yes. Have we been known to skirt round the edges of conventional morality before? Yes. But would we engineer the death of an innocent athlete just to make hilarious fish-enhanced clones of him and make them fight to the death against a series of ludicrous monsters? Yes. 

Strengths: 
The wrestling moves and showmanship of four Owen Harts, plus the crazed hunger of sixteen different sharks on a whole heap of steroids. The fact that each of the bodies has five brains means that all shark heads and the torso must be taken out before the creatures are killed. Worse yet, as each shark brain is taken out there are less fighting for control of the body, meaning greater purpose and efficiency.

Weaknesses:
All of the shark heads on each body want to do different things, whilst Hart’s original brain has been downgraded to take care of basic physiological function. Also, the sharks wouldn’t be that smart even if they all agreed.

Special skills:
By locking jaws with each other, the forearm sharks can connect in a long line to produce a devastating four-man clothesline manoeuvre.

Points of interest:
Any meat swallowed by the shark heads is routed via multiple gullets to an extendable hump on the back of each shark brother, which contains an immense gizzard. This organ grinds up swallowed substances and uses the resultant nutrient soup to fuel the creature’s insanely fast metabolism, allowing it to sustain grievous wounds and not die of trauma or blood loss. Only total head death will take out these heroes.

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