Good evening sports fans, and welcome back to ZOOFIGHTS. There were many naysayers who told us we’d never get our funds back, that we’d never outlive the PR feeding frenzy surrounding the ACCIDENTAL nuclear explosion during last year’s containment failure at the tournament in Mogadishu, Somalia. Well, look who’s back. So go suck on a big wheel of dick cheese, naysayers – I’m especially talking to you double decker c**tbuses over at Greenpeace; you never thought we had enough stashed away to buy your own lawyers out from under you, did you? Enjoy your new poverty.
This year we have a magnificent new stadium in Nova Scotia, Canada, and sixteen brand new teams of biomechanical curiosities to slug it out for your entertainment. Our referees for this year are Retired sheriff John Burnell (of “world’s wildest police chases” fame) and Jake “the snake” Roberts, possibly dead wrestler.
Two fights will occur every 24 hours. They will occur in a circular arena 100 metres in diameter, with rubble, boulders and oil drums for cover and a crowd of 250,000 seated on raised tiers around the battlefield.