Sunday
Mar282010

Zoofights II 

We don't talk much about Zoofights II.

Although the tournament had a decent stable of competitors and an enthusiastic crowd, it rather fell apart under its own weight. To this day, nobody is quite sure who won.

At some point, I'll put up some of the more lucid moments from the summer of 2006, and a roster of the combatants. 

I wouldn't hold your breath though, so why not just stroll along to Zoofights 3 and see a crab bust up a dead elephant?

Saturday
Mar192011

Introduction

Good evening sports fans, and welcome back to ZOOFIGHTS. There were many naysayers who told us we’d never get our funds back, that we’d never outlive the PR feeding frenzy surrounding the ACCIDENTAL nuclear explosion during last year’s containment failure at the tournament in Mogadishu, Somalia. Well, look who’s back. So go suck on a big wheel of dick cheese, naysayers – I’m especially talking to you double decker c**tbuses over at Greenpeace; you never thought we had enough stashed away to buy your own lawyers out from under you, did you? Enjoy your new poverty.

This year we have a magnificent new stadium in Nova Scotia, Canada, and sixteen brand new teams of biomechanical curiosities to slug it out for your entertainment. Our referees for this year are Retired sheriff John Burnell (of “world’s wildest police chases” fame) and Jake “the snake” Roberts, possibly dead wrestler.

THE RULES

Two fights will occur every 24 hours. They will occur in a circular arena 100 metres in diameter, with rubble, boulders and oil drums for cover and a crowd of 250,000 seated on raised tiers around the battlefield. 

Saturday
Mar192011

Round One - Battles One and Two Lineup

ROUND ONE, BATTLE ONE: DIE OR GET RICH TRYING 

3. Team chainjaw – 3 saltwater crocodiles with augmented legs and chainjaws

Lore:

These 25 foot saurian giants retain the minds they possessed before their capture, but “enjoy” the benefits of vastly more efficient traction systems. While their front legs remain unimproved, their entire rear hip assembly has been replaced by a mass of pneumatic pipes, steam boilers and piston cylinders that can propel each animal forward on two legs at a frighteningly fast charge. The range of this dash is limited, since after severe exertion, the rig requires a minute or two to build up steam once more. At the sharp end of the crocodile’s steam charge is a vicious jaw mechanism comprising hinged sets of teeth set on a high-rpm belt in the manner of a chainsaw.

Strengths:

The legs of these fiends allow for a devastatingly rapid frontal attack, whilst their teeth can rip, smash and rend through almost any armour.

Weaknesses:

Each burst of speed requires a considerable recuperation period. In addition, the dental attrition caused by the chainjaw is massive, shattering the croc’s own teeth into lethal, jagged stumps but eventually leaving a mouth of rounded nubs that will only erode armour until surgically replenished.

Special skills:

The bipedal gait of the crocodile’s charge allows the reptile to reach a towering height of 15 feet, and if charge distance is slightly sacrificed a substantial leap of 30ft may be made by the animals.

Points of interest:

The crocodile’s hip assembly boilers are constantly fed coal by flocks of tiny trained birds. The chainjaw teeth are only worn smooth by the hardest materials, but will be smashed asunder by extended assault on any substance harder than the most tender flesh.


VERSUS


Bee Unit – 50 Cent’s mind, trapped within the body of a man-sized, almost flightless Bee, supported by six similarly impaired hip-hop cronies, each brandishing various pollen and wax-clogged gats, lead pipes and other ghetto weapons. 

(thaks so much twoheaded boy for this)

Lore: 
Acclaimed rapper 50 Cent came to our offices under the pretense of having a giant spinning rim implanted directly into his chest, composed mostly of diamonds made out of cops that had been subjected to tremendous amounts of pressure. There were no such diamonds to be found, only our scientists and their terrible hubris. 50 was summarily stunned, and his brain placed into the frame a giant bee that had undergone minor cybernetic augmentation. The bee had been granted an increased running speed, and stinging (while still only usable once) is now longer fatal. Due to its size, it had lost the boon of flight. One by one, the members of G-Unit had followed 50, only to find themselves likewise locked into Apoideac shells. 

Tactics: 
The group contains the current members excluding one.50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo, Young Buck, Olivia, Mobb Deep, M.O.P., and Spider Loc. Ma$e never looked for 50, and has subsequently returned to the altar. They have all undergone extensive training; they have no difficultly using their bee-bodies. All have been given microphones so they retain their ability to verbally debase the enemy using “freestyle”, but only after someone has “dropped a beat”. 

Strengths: 
Should B-Unit be fighting a single opponent, they will have little trouble dispatching him; they will attack one person unflinchingly. Each member was given a weapon of a fairly conventional variety, both 50 and Tony Yayo possess handguns, but unfortunately due to their insect nature, they are prone to jamming, pollen and wax have found their way into the guns previously and will likely find their way there on the field. The only member with a particularly noteworthy weapon is Lloyd Banks, who carries a flamethrower with limited ammunition. The other members have been given wrenches, lead pipes, baseball bats, and various other melee weapons to use. Young Buck has been given a sword at his request. Their stingers are one-time-use, but are coated in a deadly poison, for this our researchers turned to the Diplomats’ leader Cam’Ron, and he has since supplied us with a particularly deadly version of Sizzurp. 

Weaknesses:
While B-Unit is not physically as dependant on a hive mind as normal bees, they will likely falter should 50 die. It is rumored that there is more than one Wanksta in the group that has never seen battle, but this is unconfirmed. Mobb Deep and Olivia have both been hospitalized due to injuries sustained; they have repeatedly taken 
their limited flight abilities beyond what they are capable of. 

Special skills: 
Limited flight capability, confidence that reaches almost obscene levels, and each member is wearing a pair of G-Unit sneakers on their bee-feet.

Points of Interest:
It is likely that if rapper “The Game” enters the ring, he and 50 will battle for many months to no conclusion, and then call a press conference to declare their truce. This will popularize the fight, but leave many true fans grumbling due to its possibly clandestine motives.

 FIGHT TWO: SHARK SANDWICH 

Kings o’ Canada – two vast bears in amusing mountie costumes with shields, explosive-tipped crossbows and timid dispositions

Lore:
After the embarrassing containment failures during last year’s tournament at Zoofights’ African arena in Mogadishu, the Canadian government were naturally apprehensive about our proposal to hold this year’s tournament in the province of Ontario. Negotiations were tense, but bribery and a bit of blackmail regarding their collaborations with our weapons division during WWII soon had them on side. In concession to the Canadian national spirit, we were persuaded as a dealbreaker to include a patriotic Canadian force in this year’s zoofights, and so became the “Kings o’ Canada”. No expense has been spared to capture and train Canada’s two largest bears, and kit them up like a pair of giant, roaring mounties. Unfortunately, the endless beatings and electric shocks required to “convince” them to dress in such uncomfortable and amusing costumes have left these two epic omnivores in a frightened and confused disposition. Not to worry though; although initial ferocity is low in these specimens, everyone knows that fear and confusion can easily be mixed and ignited to create a heady cocktail of rage and desperation. These ruggedly handsome uniformed fellas generally adopt a cautious and defensive stance at first, hiding behind their enormous iron shields and taking carefully aimed shots with their oversized siege crossbows. Soon enough though, they run out of ammunition or get charged, and the roaring and slashing begins. Good times.

Strengths:
The bears are very good shots, and hugely powerful in a fight, providing they don’t cower and attempt to flee or curl into a ball upon being rushed, which occasionally occurs. Although rarely the first to enter a fight, if these two survive long enough to return blows they’ll cause serious and often fatal damage.

Weaknesses:
These bears are cowards. In addition, their dashing and yet comical costumes restrict their movements despite providing minimal armour benefits. Also, each has only 5 crossbow shots loaded, with no bolts to spare.

Special skills:
In close combat, this pair will often use their massive shields to bash opposition a considerable distance away from them, giving them time to scamper away and try to bolster their confidence to fight.

Points of interest:
The bears’ shields are 8ftx6ftx2inches of solid cast iron, and thus hard to move even for a massive bear. Their crossbow bolts are impact weapons rather than penetrating ones, delivering a percussive, low-yield explosive contact quite capable of breaking bone or ruining flesh without having to penetrate the skin.


VERSUS


The shark brothers – four steroid-enhanced clones of Owen hart’s corpse, with shark heads sewn onto the torsos, hands and neck

Lore:
What greater tribute to the late wrestling legend Owen Hart could you wish for than for a bunch of shark heads to be sewn onto a series of crude clones of his body? His corpse had barely come to rest after hitting the canvas when zoofights geneticists disguised as referees rushed into the ring and began harvesting tissue samples. The corpse was not even cool by the time we transmitted the first genetic data to our cloning tanks, and within 14 rushed months the clones were fully grown and ready to be improved. With the brain downgraded for toughness and relocated to the centre of the torso, the neck was free for the installation of a tiger shark’s head. After that surgery was complete we felt a bit anticlimactic, and so decided to sew more shark heads on in place of the forearms and another in the centre of the chest, just for the fun of it. Now four of these bad boys are up and running, following several years of steroid training and minor improvements, and they’re ready to rumble once more in the name of science. Some have accused us of disrespect to the memory of a sports entertainment legend, and others still have called our prompt arrival on the scene of death suspicious, but to them we say this: Are we ruthless? Yes. Have we been known to skirt round the edges of conventional morality before? Yes. But would we engineer the death of an innocent athlete just to make hilarious fish-enhanced clones of him and make them fight to the death against a series of ludicrous monsters? Yes. 

Strengths: 
The wrestling moves and showmanship of four Owen Harts, plus the crazed hunger of sixteen different sharks on a whole heap of steroids. The fact that each of the bodies has five brains means that all shark heads and the torso must be taken out before the creatures are killed. Worse yet, as each shark brain is taken out there are less fighting for control of the body, meaning greater purpose and efficiency.

Weaknesses:
All of the shark heads on each body want to do different things, whilst Hart’s original brain has been downgraded to take care of basic physiological function. Also, the sharks wouldn’t be that smart even if they all agreed.

Special skills:
By locking jaws with each other, the forearm sharks can connect in a long line to produce a devastating four-man clothesline manoeuvre.

Points of interest:
Any meat swallowed by the shark heads is routed via multiple gullets to an extendable hump on the back of each shark brother, which contains an immense gizzard. This organ grinds up swallowed substances and uses the resultant nutrient soup to fuel the creature’s insanely fast metabolism, allowing it to sustain grievous wounds and not die of trauma or blood loss. Only total head death will take out these heroes.

Saturday
Mar192011

Round One - Battles One and Two Outcome

 AND THE RESULTS ARE IN 

ZOOFIGHTS: Round one, fights one and two – Results are now in!



Battle One – Die or Get Rich Trying


WINNER: Team Chainjaw by 46 to 18

The tournament began with unparalleled savagery in this gruesome confrontation, where – as many analysts noted – the wrongly embodied souls of rappers G-unit were at a hideous disadvantage against the hulking forms of team chainjaw. 

Bee Unit made their first mistake in playing the arena crowd before the start of the match. They became so wrapped up in their trash talking and posturing that they failed to notice that the steadily accelerating bass beat underlying their spiel was provided not by a DJ but by the thundering footsteps of three gargantuan steam-powered reptiles heading towards them from their arena entrance ramp. 

As Tony Yayo realised that the shaking of the earth and the sudden roaring of chainsaw motors was not a part of his posse's act, he turned round in panic: just in time to fire a wild shot in the direction of the crocodile that was hurtling unstoppably towards the stage with buzzing jaws wide open. 

The shot was lucky, rupturing a vital pneumatic feed line on the croc's left leg and sending it skidding onto its side. As the crocodile keeled over and thrashed in the dust it sent its wingmen flying in a mass of scrambling craws and tails, but not before it had scooped up both Lloyd Banks and Young Buck in its cavernous, mechanised jaws. 

Chitin splintered and bee insides gushed out of massive rents, while Fifty and Yayo concentrated fire on the head of the downed croc: they drilled a neat nine bullets through its brain before the dust had settled When it did however, a chilling sight awaited the two rappers.

While one crocodile had landed badly on its neck and was teporarily stunned, the other was undamaged and had reared up to its full height over fifty and Yayo, ready to come crashing down in a frenzy of whirling teeth. 

The two would-be gangstas whipped out semi-automatics and fired wildly into the descending tower of scaly flesh, but to no avail. Although their wax-slowed bullets tore chunks out of the creature, it made short work of consuming Yayo and scything fiddy in half with some vicious chainjaw action.



Battle two: Shark Sandwich

WINNER: Kings O'Canada by 31 to 17

A straightforward start to the fight saw the shark foundation roar in abject suffering as they charged headlong into the iron shields of the kings. A monstrous crossbow bolt to the torso of the lead brother knocked it backwards, but its comrades rushed onward, thoroughly panicking the bears - who had expected to get off more shots before things got nasty.

As such, one of the two bears broke and ran as the sharks closed on him, leaving his brother to be overwhelmed by three muscly, cartaliginous nightmares. He tried to drown out the noise of his comrade being devoured, but it was no good. Memories came flooding back - memories of the forest. The lions attacking his brethren, the order for the counterattack to begin... the sweet, sweet taste of honey and the bitter shame that had consumed him ever since.

Enough was enough. Sergeant Grumbles turned around. Bellowing like a wounded God, Grumbles thundered into the melee to help his team-mate, smashing the bodies of sharks like crisps and tearing shark heads off enhanced musculature effortlessly.

As it was, it was impossible to save his companion - but that day, Sergeant Grumbles saved himself. Standing atop the pile of defeated sharks and savaged bearflesh, he roared triumphantly and hurled his shield into the crowd, before smashing his crossbow across a knee and vowing never again to avoid a fight.

Saturday
Mar192011

Round One - Battles Three and Four Lineup

Battle three: The Vast and the Furious


Hive Lions – 6 brainwashed lions in mental thrall to a giant tortoise with ceramic-alloy power armour and a psy-field. 


Lore: 

These lords of the Serengeti were harvested at their prime, lobotomised at our Kenyan surgery-fortress, and spray painted an eerie, lifeless shade of grey in preparation for their new life as mindless, crowd-pleasing engines of murder. Via the miracles of wireless networking, their sensory perceptions, thought processes and motor reflexes are now combined and distributed through the neural tissues of each lion, and slaved to a server residing within the ribcage of a Galapagos giant tortoise. The only catch is, the turtle’s mind is in no way linked to those of the lions, nor is it any better or more aggressive than the mind of an average giant tortoise. To make up for this, the turtle’s armour has been augmented with hydraulically assisted powered armour, made from articulated plates of bullet-resistant ceramic-alloy composite. 


Strengths:

The lions work with the combined co-ordination, sensory ability and intelligence of eight lions, with normal lion strength and speed. 


Weaknesses:

The lions will exit the range of their server unit if they stray more than 20m from the tortoise, and they know this. Unfortunately, the tortoise has free will, and can go wherever the hell it likes. Whereas the tortoise is resistant to ranged attack, a determined and strong close combat opponent could easily deactivate it if it could get close enough and stay there long enough to puncture the incredibly tough shell. 


Special skills:

The great intelligence of the hive lions allow them to do their best to shove the turtle forwards, using it as a shield and moving it towards the conflict. 


Points of interest:

If the lions exit server range, they enter a deranged, rage-zombie-like state. In such a condition they lose all group coordination and intelligence, yet fight with unquenchable ferocity, stamina and speed until they exhaust themselves. 


VERSUS


Chuggatherium – a giant ground sloth, blinded, with a chaingun and armour plate 



Lore:

This noble Pleistocene warrior has been gradually pieced together from cloned Megatherium tissues, grafted onto the desiccated skeleton of a giant ground sloth found in a Peruvian cave system with our finest palaeomedical technologies. With our breakthrough cloning of extinct animal tissues, we realised we had the perfect opportunity to give a remarkable species a chance to live again peacefully, but decided to abandon that opportunity in favour of making a fucked up war machine with 20,000 years of rage in its blood. As such we have souped up Megatherium’s enormous clawed forearms with the addition of a hulking, belt-fed underslung chaingun, and laced its shaggy hide with hundreds of bony subdermal plates and leathery cysts. To make the actions of this armoured behemoth more fascinating, we have deactivated its optic nerves, routing extra sound receptors in place instead. Now this snarling gunnery emplacement is adapted to hunt by sound rather than sight. 


Strengths:

Chuggatherium is a bipedal beast with the mass of an African elephant, and two vast arms designed to smash trees in one blow. The addition of a gatling gun to all this can only be seen as a plus point. 


Weaknesses:

Blindness is certainly an impediment to this diurnal creature, making its firing wildly inaccurate, and a herbivorous nature may work against it with regards to its capacity to hunt. Additionally, it’s tendency to bellow when enraged causes a certain amount of disruption to its auditory systems. 


Special skills:

If it manages to plunge the claws of its gatling arm into an opposing creature with sufficient force to impale, accuracy is no object. The force of a chaingun firing whilst embedded within a body cavity will rip all but the most hardcore beast apart instantly. 


Points of interest:

The chaingun is controlled by neural impulses, transmitted by a thick metal cable bolted to the outside of the creature’s arm, shoulder and neck.


Battle four: Gaze not into the abyss...


Mr. Atlantic – killer whale with a troll’s legs and arms grafted on to it 



Lore:

Freshly delivered through our transdimensional freight wormhole to Mordor, we here at zoofights were delighted to receive the frozen carcass of a mountain troll earlier this year. We wasted no time in sewing the four limbs of the creature onto the body of a killer whale, reinforcing and restructuring the skeleton to adopt the new appendages, and wiring them into the nervous system with thick bio-electric cable. After months of training against test hippos in semi-aquatic arenas and watching loads of “lord of the rings” videos, our new creation was soon able to walk, run and smash out of water, as well as rend limbs, pick up boulders and crush large objects. Now, after extensive therapy to toughen the epidermis, Mr.Atlantic only needs to return to water to shit and throw bachelor parties. Combining the combat abilities of the ocean’s most heartless predator and the shock troops of Sauron’s finest, Mr. Atlantic boasts almost unbelievable strength and cruelty. 


Strengths:

If being strong is a strength, then Mr.Atlantic is strong squared. With four tree-sized limbs, epic jaws and a tail like a freight train, this killer has the tools to whale on anything that opposes him. 


Weaknesses:

At the end of the day, we just couldn’t get Mr.Atlantic’s wiring right, and so he moves like a bit of a lumbering cretin, roaring and blundering into walls. On the plus side, he can always take out those walls that manage to get in his way. Whilst his power and toughness are outrageous, on a bad day Mr. Atlantic is prone to finding barn doors surprisingly elusive combatants. 


Special skills:

When maddened and surrounded by enemies, Mr.Atlantic will often be seen reverting to instinctive behaviour, with devastating results. Lunging horizontally onto his belly with jaws agape as if beaching himself to catch a seal, Mr.A is quite capable of toppling and maiming all but the most sturdy of natural objects. 


Points of interest:

Mr.Atlantic throws incredible batchelor parties, and cooks an amazing leg of lamb



VERSUS



Owl Patrol – 20 men with the heads of owls, military rags and rusty knives 


Lore:

After the Vietnam war, Zoofights did its part for the rehabilitation of veterans into society, by taking the conflict’s hundred most disturbed survivors, locking them in our hospital-factories and gradually turning them into Owlmen. The men we took were strung out with years of shell-shock, strong cannabis, war horror, experimental military research drugs and hallucinogens, to the point where they were almost glad to have their minds merged with those of owls. Almost. The 80 men who survived the enhancements were tall, gaunt and human from the neck down except for scraggly patches of down and torn feathers, with their heads almost like those of giant barn owls, but with disturbingly familiar eyes. When we saw these hideous creatures in their final form, we immediately scrapped our plan to make them lovable mascots for the nation’s military, and decided to ditch them somewhere where we’d never have to look at them again: a hole. As such we tipped them into an uncharted cave system in the Appalachians, uniforms and all, and went guiltlessly about our lives. Now, 30 years later, we’ve found them again. After hearing reports of a geological survey team missing without a trace in the limestone caverns of West Virginia, and having just bought the DVD of “The Descent”, we flew 2 Chinooks full of shock troops straight to the mountains and began an extensive sweep of the underworld. What we found, after four days of fruitless searching and our men being dragged screaming into tiny passages beneath the earth, was pure zoofights gold: 20 survivors of the Owl Patrol Project, still dressed in khaki rags, clutching rusted, jagged fragments of rifle parts and caked in three decades of blood, filth and horror. We had finally created the most insane organisms on the planet. Without a second thought we put them in cryo, and shipped them straight to our new Canadian facility, where they now awake activation and combat. 


Strengths:

Strong, determined and smart as a man. Swift, silent and accurate as an owl. Crazy like a hobo. 


Weaknesses:

Complete and utter insanity. In addition, their sinewy, Gollum-like strength is offset by fragile bodies ruined through years of desperate existence underground. 


Special skills:

An eerie hoot can creep out all but the steeliest of enemies, whilst their hands and feet are twisted into birdlike talons with a grip that can climb most surfaces. Also, their vile blades are so rusty and dirty that infection and poisoning is likely to follow any wound. 


Points of interest:

These owlmen have only survived so long in the blackness by looking out for each other. Whereas they’re all far too crazy to work in any kind of coordinated unit, they will tend to swarm together and lash out at anything they see attacking their fellow monstrosities.