Tuesday
Mar022010

Round Two Outcome

Fight one: Bake sale
Winner: Sharks, by 32 votes.

Although most punters favoured the sharks to win this one, even the gibbons' coaches were shocked by how poorly they performed. The little bastards, cocky from their victory on the lion battlefield, simply played this like they were on a fucking bouncy castle. While one of the four stayed low and planned a trajectory to skewer the lead shark, his three brethren immediately launched themselves into dangerously lazy parabolas, eggwhisks held high. Needless to say, the sharks swooped, and soon each had a gibbon screaming in its whirling chainjaw. Diesel smoke belched as the jaws worked at tough devil horn, but sure enough the sharks managed to chunk down the gibbons within a few seconds. Whereas two of the sharks chomped the gibbons in such a way as to sever the power feed to the red hot whisks, the third was not so lucky. Glowing crimson metal touched on the fuel supply pipe to the chain jaw, and with a horrible smacking sound the shark's jaw was blown clean off in an explosion of gore and black smoke. With the air stinking of blood, the other two sharks fell upon and devoured their struggling brother there and then, all three crashing to the ground in a dismal, writhing pile of furious hunger. Knowing that he now had no hope of victory once the sharks were sated, the fourth gibbon (in a massive upset to betters) fell to the ground and offered up his soul to beelzebub. Since Mr.B is one of our biggest sponsors, we had to let this slide. The ground opened up and swallowed the last gibbon in a lick of red vapour, disqualifying him and handing victory to the blood-mad sharks, who had barely noticed his disappearance.

Fight two: Clash of the Legends
Winner: Mechos and Red Banana, by 28 votes.

An incredible fight that tested all competitors to the limits, and won the hearts of an already sympathetic crowd, Mechos' latest victory was a sight to be beheld. The giant squid, a fan favourite and tip-off for victory since round one, entered the arena to cheers alongside his warrior brother, the Red Banana. The waving and smiling was in full swing when the holding pen doors opened on the opposite wall to reveal the imposing figure of a blazing rhinocerous, who wasted no time in letting out a bellow of fury and thundering towards mechos. With amazing reflexes, Mechos managed to step aside from the charging beast, and Red Banana entered a combat stance from his saddle high above the arena floor. Mechos prepared to strike with a furious feeding arm, but before he could react, the rhinocerous - now facing away from the tag team - fell to his knees to brace himself and let loose a hellish torrent of searing, oily fire from his arse. In a split second, mechos folded his arms into a shield of composite plate to keep the worst of the fire from incinerating his soft body and his ally, but it was not long before the outer shields of his tentacles were glowing sunset orange. Red Banana crouched low behind the tentacle shield and turned up the air-con in his space hat, peering over the barrier at the rhinoceros, who was still jetting out flames. The team grimly held on for the rhino to run out of fuel, but the flames just flickered more rapidly over the shield rim. After a minute the plating on Mechos' arms began to give way, releasing the ominous scent of fried squid into the air above the arena. Red Banana realised his noble commander could hold out no longer, and in a death defying act of courage powered by gorilla strength, leapt headlong over the shield wall and onto the neck of the flaming beast. Even as his fur burst alight and incinerated, R.B gritted his teeth and held on, pounding on the rhino's eyeports with every ounce of muscle he could muster. Sinews snapped, meat withered and skin crackled, but the space helmet held and soon the ape had driven the electronics of the rhino's eye back into the skull. Furious with pain, the beast bucked and rolled, desperate to shake off its attacker at all costs. Exhausted and burnt almost to the bone in places, R.B was thrown off onto the arena sand, where the blinded rhino trampled and burnt him further. In that moment of sacrifice, Mechos took his chance to wrap his heat-seared feeding limbs around the rhinoceros, haul it from the ground, and with an almighty screech snap its treelike spine in two. In the fury that ensued as mechos pounded the carcass time and time again on the stone walls of the arena, the fire still raging like a halo round the corpse burnt one of Mechos' arms to a cinder. Finally discarding the ragged, smouldering heap in the moat, Mechos picked up the shattered, raw, shallowly breathing body of his comrade and held him in the kind of embrace that only a very, very sad squid can give.

Fight three: Beyond the Chunderdome
Winner: Elephant, by 16 votes.

To be honest we aren't quite sure what the hell happened in the first minute of this match. The dolphins trundled out, the elephant trumpeted, and then suddenly everyone watching fell to the ground with shattered eardrums and a migraine as all four dolphins fired their hypersonar at once. When we stopped vomiting long enough to get to our feet and watch the fight, there wasn't much left to see. Through the boiling clouds of hot acid mist billowing up from the arena sand, we could just about see some kind of melee battle, with a hell of a lot of heavy thumping noises and angry trumpeting. When the mist finally cleared, all that was left was a furious, burn-covered elephant smashing a ripped-off morning star into a pile of meat, and one badly broken dolphin hiding in a corner from the crazed, but acid-blinded pachyderm.

Fight four: A Whole Lotta 'Potamus
Winner: Tarantulas, by 28 votes.

A wasted opportunity for the hippo here: he really could have pulled this off. Like our analysts, he should have realised that in no place on his hippo and trollhide body was the skin thin enough to be punctured by a tarantula, even a steroid-crazed one with a party hat on. We tried to tell him his best bet was to head underwater, but he wouldn't listen. I mean, for fuck's sake - he's an amphibious animal. They are spiders. Fucking dumbass. Instead, he wailed in horror, fired his lasers all over the fucking shop, and slashed the fuck out of himself with his adamantium claws. Within 42 seconds he managed to stab himself in the heart and we called a stop to the match before he embarassed himself any further.

Fight five: He Who Tears Wins
Winner: Cheetahs, by 6 votes.

Those cheeky cheetahs, popular underdogs from round one, pulled out all the stops for their victory in this, the first of the freak's league matches. Our analysts are still debating whether any strategy was involved or not, but by God did those motherfuckers move. Heads flew, propellors caught on wires, and jaws munched. The lions, puttering around in utter bewilderment at the anarchic assault, pooled their chances and doubleteamed the lead cheetah, whose head they managed to maul as it flew towards them. As the wire fell slack from the skull, the second lion managed to get his propellor caught in it and fell to the ground, where he was set upon by two well-launced heads. reeling their heads in, the cheetahs charged the last lion for a bit of impromptu air mauling. The fight was quick and furious, and ended in two very lucky and victorious cheetahs. Tragically, in the celebration that followed, the more drunk of the pair launched his own head into the necrotic swanmass for a joke. Only his brother goes through to round three.

Fight six: Dawn of the Lead (Pipes)
Winner: Rats, by 13 votes.

This battle went very well at first for the gorillas, who made paste of the advancing rats with their pipes and paid little heed to either snapping claws or lashing electric tails. Their undead synapses registering no pain as flesh was ripped from their bones and guts were unravelled from their thoraxes. They continued to pummel on the rats as they swarmed over their bodies, crushing a good half of them before a brave few rats managed to work their way inside the space helmets up the open windpipes of the chewed-up zombies. Zombie logic is not good and, without a thought for the consequences, each gorilla took a huge swing and bashed itself in the head with its lead pipe. Shoot the head, kill the ghoul. Game over.

Fight seven: Get to the Chopper
Winner: Pig, by 17 votes.

No one fucks with an angry pig. The fight started. Porky didn't move a muscle. A throb of rotor blades, a swirl of dust, BANG, a slug through a skull. Another minute of silence. A flicker of tan, the flash of a trident in sunlight.BANG, one through the eye. Another four secods pass, a rock is disturbed and an arm shoots out to execute a gazelle, BANG, a corpse falls with a hole through the temples. The pig walks over to inspect the kill, leans over to grab the trident from the lifeless sewn-on arm, and in one fluid motion slams it point-backwards to skewer the gazelle stalking him from two feet behind. Hardcore motherfucker.

Fight eight: As bad as it gets, and Worse
Winner: Swanmass, by 8 votes.

After three hours of the most tragic fighting we have ever seen here at zoofights, we just couldn't let this one go on. Pausing every few seconds to collapse in a coughing fit, our bow-legged superhero pounded on the advancing tide of stinking, fly-covered meat with every bit of his prodigious strength, keeping it at bay from his ever-decreasing circle of safety. Roasting it with his bronchitic flame breath he managed to wither it and sear it at the edges, but the 500-pound swanmass never gave up. Eventually, the frogman fell to his knees and wept, ready to die there and then. As the beaks and fists slithered closer, we decided that, although the mass had victory in the bag, spiderfrog deserved a good break for once. Within minutes, he was safe in our labs...