Tuesday
Mar022010

Round Two Lineup

Fight one: Bake Sale.

4 Gibbons with springs instead of legs and red hot eggwhisks for arms. and 6 inch devil horns.

these rum customers have been souped up as a result of good performance in round one, and are now armed with high-tension springs to bounce on, and intensely heated eggwhisks emerging from their heat-shielded wrists. Oh, and they have six inch devil horns. And nasty pointy teeth.


VERSUS

3 Tiger sharks with wings, leather skin and chainsaw teeth

Fan favourites, these bastards of the sky now sport vulture wings, whirling razor teeth powered by a diesel engine, and a coat of supple but tough, gimp-grade black leather. We love them, but hey - the iron spikes were too hardcore.

Fight two: Clash of the legends.

1 Rhino with infrared sensor eyes, flamethrower butt and mystical propane fire.

Back from the hospital barns, this furious hulk can now see in infra-red from its shielded eyeports, and has had its colon replaced with a turbine that can eject searing gouts of oily flames. He is certainly not to be fucked with. Furthermore, he is no longer in the blind panic that consumed him in round one.

VERSUS

1 Giant squid with a general grievous-type exoskeleton, 4 arms left, and a stalwart gorilla comrade.


Teaming up with his former enemy in a touching union of ideologies, the bullet-riddled body of the warrior-philosopher is now held together by bone-white alloy plating and hydraulic joints, making his four remaining arms formidable limbs that he can grasp with, or walk upon like long legs (note that he has foresworn weapons and now fights only with his augmented tentacles). atop his mantle is a saddle from which his friend the gorilla sits vigilant, ready to fight to the death in service of his brother.

Fight three: beyond the chunderdome

1 seriously pissed-off elephant with tank tracks and a trunk that squirts concentrated acid.

Just as he was last time, but even more jaded and cynical. Not to mention the retrofitted trunk that can gush a warm torrent of sulphuric acid over the arena floor and any unfortunate enemy.

VERSUS

3 dolphins on wheels with morning star tails, pink crash helmets, and ear splittingly loud sonar.


Basically, dolphins are gay sharks. To reinforce this unfair stereotype, the only upgrade we've given these callous wankers is the addition of a fetching hot pink crash helmet. EDIT: as a last minute upgrade, we've allowed them extremely loud and harsh sonar, which bursts ears and causes a physical shockwave, but renders them effectively blind while in use.

Fight four: A whole lotta 'potamus

1 hippo with laser eyes, wolverine claws, standing bipedally on the legs of a cave troll

We approved of this vile, self-serving hippo, and so we've sorted him out with the best upgrades from our limb freezer. Now he strides the earth on the hefty legs of a mordor troll captured in one of our company's recent interdimensional safaris, and slashes at all comers with arms grafted on from a clone of marvel comics' Wolverine, who we grew from a strand of Bolt Vanderhuge's pubic hair.

VERSUS

200 radioactive tarantulas with jetpacks..... and Party Hats!

saddened at the loss of the taarantulas lost in the nuclear blast over at our battle atoll, we hatched another batch of eggs and gave them fun party hats to liven up the drab horror of the killing field! Also, their plutonium levels have been altered so, while still radioactive, they cannot cause another horrific nuclear explosion.

FR3AK's LEaGuE:

Fight five: He who tears wins.

2 lions with cyborg torsos and propellor engines instead of a lower body

Dredged from the moat and sewbn back up where their cannons had torn them loose, these lions have been nursed back to health and patched up with steel plating where they dmaged themselves most, on the face and forearms. They now sport turbines instead of legs that allow them to putter through the air like a fleshy spitfire.

VERSUS

3 cheetahs that can fly and can shoot their heads like recallable grappling hooks.

A significant upgrade on the previous models, these ruinous drunks can now recall jettisoned heads on a strand of unbreakable carbon fibre, kind of like the harpoon guns they use to take down the AT-ATs in Empire Strikes Back. And they have albatross wings too!

Fight six: Dawn of the Lead (pipes)

200 rats with lobster claws and zapping tails

The rats we managed to extricate from the wounded rhino now have snapping crustacean claws and lashing electrfied tails that have a low voltage but hurt like fuck.

VERSUS

2 Zombie gorillas with lead pipes and cracked space helmets.

The two gorillas crushed by the squid have been reanimated by our team of occult specialists, and have learnt to make basic use of the lead pipes we left in their holding pens.

Fight seven: Get to the chopper.

4 gazelles with helicopter blades on their heads, tridents, and short-circuitng, intermittent predator-style stealth camo

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Since these guys sucked so much last time and all, we spruced up the four we managed to resuscitate and slapped 'em back in the gym rady for round 2. Their invisibility fields are flawless, but tend to flicker on and off uncontrollably.

VERSUS

1 heartless, stone cold vengeance pig in black kevlar-spider silk armour, 'master chief from halo' -style helmet, and waving a desert eagle handgun.

The sole surviving pig hast lost his soul and gained a suit of black-ops armour. Like a porcine punisher, he is resolute on murdering every last monstrosity that gets in the way of the perfect world he was never allowed, using the souped up deagle holstered at his hip.

Fight Eight: As bad as it gets, and worse.

A heaving, quivering mass of necrotic swan flesh, rolling along the ground in a slow-moving cataclysm of groping gorilla arms and snapping beaks.

Not really knowing what else to do, we swept up all the swan chunks from the hippo battle, put them inside a chalk circle, and turned on every machine we could find nearby while hiding in a nearby bunker with crucifixes. The result is this hideous, oozing mess, something like a sea anenome made from nightmares.

VERSUS

Crippled, tragic spiderman frog with cancer.

Surveying the site of the nuclear blast a week after the spider/frog battle, we found this pitiable specimen leaning against a rock, coughing up blood and hobbling along ina blue and red costume. Technically he has amazing super powers, but he's also sadly riddled with lethal tumours. He can jump over buildings, but his legs snap on landing. He can shoot webs, but they tend to be speckled with his own blood. Poor bastard.