Round One Outcomes

Fight one - The Sound and the Fury

Winner: Gibbons, by 5 votes.

The fight started with a bang, quite literally, as two of the six lions slammed forward at cannon speed into the mass of gibbons as they swarmed out from their holding cell, mouths open and roaring. One missed completely and smashed itself to paste on the arena wall, while the other managed to slam into three of the primates, tearing one in two and sending the other pair high into the air to land with a sickening thud. The lion was set upon instantly by the other gibbons and eliminated, the cannon torn free from its ass and battered to pieces by furious clubs. With blood in the air the other four lions moved in for the kill, and the gibbons dispersed from the initial cluster. There was a fiar amount of circling and snarling, but within only a minute carnage had erupted again in a dustcloud of swinging bludgeons, flailing rollerskates and gore-splattered stone projectiles. When the smoke cleared, two lions had fallen under the demented pounding of the four surviving gibbons, but each had taken an ememy in its jaws. The corpse of one gibbon and two wrecked lions bobbed forlornly in the moat.

Fight two - 2 proud, 2 prejudiced

Winner: Rhino, by 20 votes.

What a horrible spectacle. The opening bellow of the rhino was swiftly drowned out by a deafening screech and the rustle of paws on sand as the tide of fur advanced. The beast charged forward onto the carpet of flesh, popping bones and searing fur into reeking ashes, but as it turned to charge again, the tide was upon it in its moment of slowness. meat sizzled and white keratin slashed through ranks of rodents, but even fire and rage could not keep the hairy fiends from eyes and soft anal flesh. The rhino went down screaming, but after two minutes of agonised twitching, the last of the ashes fell away and nothing was left on the searing hide of the ungulate. Wounds cauterised, we dragged the animal off the field and removed all survivors from its rectum.

Fight three - Oh God, Flying Sharks

Winner: Sharks, by 38 votes.

Jesus christ, what a massacre. The sharks did *not* need that spiky metal skin. 17 cheetahs launched their heads immediately, their jaws simply bouncing off the horrid hide of the winged predators. The three that remained were so drunk they didn't appear to realise there was a fight on, and so slumped gently into the moat for a nap, where by some ridiculous luck the sharks were too heartbroken to follow them.

Fight four - A noble death.

Winner: Squid, by only 3 votes.

The sheer, courage, nobility and honour of this struggle brought the audience to tears. As the blast doors of the squid's contemplation chamber folded open, the gorillas immediately opened fire with soviet precision, drilling 400 punishing dents into the squid's armour and severing its nunchuck tentacle. The stoic squid pressed onwards into the hail of fire, gazing sternly through its shielded viewports as it tried to ignore the pulsing of the drugs and steel itself for the grim duty of conflict. Bullets slammed into it like hail, the gorillas working in perfect unison to feed ammo belt after ammo belt into their ancient weapon. Armour turned cherry red with the friction of repeated impact, and grew thin in places, while four more arms were torn off in the agonising lurch over the sand. As it drew near the gunners, with the muzzle flashes refelcting grimly onto their black glass bubble helmets, it screeched a defiant prayer to Allah and hurled forwards its two strongest feeding arms. With the crack of hooked suckers on antique steel the tentacles wrapped around the gatling barrel, and with godlike strength twisted it in a U-bend. All in an instant the hail of bullets ceased, and the gorillas abandoned their post in a well-drilled maneuver, spreading out to surround the squid. Grabbing blades from the invertebrate's fallen arms, three advanced, hacking - a lucky swipe slashed off the lead pipe arm at its base, while another struck sparks against a parry from the squid's staff. While the one-on-three duel continued, the fourth gorilla dived onto the squid's helmet, pounding on its vision ports with a mighty fist. Roaring in defiance, the squid ejected a gush of cloying black ink which splashed over the visors of the three gorillas around its legs. They stumbled in confusion, giving the squid the time it needed to crush the necks of two with its arms and sever the third with a deep katana slash. The single remaining gorilla hopped off the squid's face and picked up an inky broadsword. Exhausted, bleeding, and with no hope of winning the duel, it stood in bolshevik defiance before the world's largest invertebrate, clutching its battered sword. The two opponents stood for a minute like that, wordlessly staring, until they dropped their weapons and embraced with the solidarity of bothers in arms. Enough souls had died this day.

Fight five - Mungle in the Jungle

Winner: Elephants, by 50 votes.

The gazelles really sold themselves short here. Bleating like the idiots they are, they immediately outflanked the elephants and began prancing, their blades and clubs flashing in the glaring sun. So far so good. The decisive moment of the battle came when all nine gazelles had the genius idea of slamming into one of the elephants at once, sword horns first. They leapt as one, and their combined weight rocked the huge bulk as their sowrds slammed into grey hide. Organs ruptured, blood gushed, and the elephant's head slumped as its heart gave out. The stupid motherfucking gazelles forgot about the other elephant. Trumpeting in delight, it trundled over to the twitching, embedded gazelles and plucked them one by one from its ruined comrade like grapes from a vine, flinging their struggling carcasses against the arena ramparts. GG, Gazelles.

Fight six - Wetlands War

Winner: Hippos, by 33 votes

As many punters predicted, the fight - at first a confused, blundering affair of sneaking and singed feathers - quickly escalated into sheer horror when one hippo went berserk and began to spin round madly. The air was suddenly silent except for the eerie hum and hiss of flesh evaporating. In the microseconds before their heads were sliced cleanly in two, the other hippos turned in rage on their betrayer, vaporising his limbs and sealing the wounds. This only served to bring him closer to ground level, where his swaying head managed to ravage the cluster of swans until all was still except for a light snow of soft down and the seeping of a great pool of blood into the sand.

Fight seven - The Horror, The Horror

Winner: Dolphins, by 29 votes

True to tragic form, the pigs did not have a good time at all. The tank fired one shot as a protest against the senseless horror of the world, a shot which, alas, managed to blow apart two of the five dolphins spectacularly. As the wet pop of pistol shots hitting pork sounded from inside the tank, the angry surviving dolphins closed in rapidly and began to pound the tank with their morning star tails. As the soft bacon tank caved in under the rain of blows, one pig had his gun knocked out of his hand and was pressed inside with his dead compatriots. The tails thumped on the mound of slowly collapsing ham, while inside, one desperate, weeping pig endured the living hell of being entombed in bleeding gammon. In time the dolphins gave up in disgust and trundled off, but one intensely angry pig remained in the wreckage...

Fight eight - Your overconfidence is your weakness, your highness...

Winner: Tarantulas, by 22 votes.

The slap of a confidence-building team high-five, the rush of jetpacks, and the screams as sensitive souls in muscular frog bodies were penetrated by dozens of steely fangs. Not a hint of fire breath, not a bicep flexed, just a trio of huge bodies sinking down under a writhing ball of hairy limbs and blue exhaust flames, before the whiteout of a tactical nuclear detonation. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of tragedy. Thank God we held this fight on an island in the Pacific ocean.