Monday
Mar012010

ROUND ONE LINEUPS

Fight one: The Sound and the Fury

Ten gibbons with clubs for arms.

Strengths:
These rum customers can jump as high as you like, and can duck and dodge like… well, gibbons. They can howl a fearsome howl, and swing from their tails. What’s more, their arms have been replaced with hooning great lumps of wood with nails in them.
Weaknesses:
Gibbons are not so hot on teamwork, preferring to howl instead. Also, the rage generated by giving a basically arboreal creature entirely useless hands might cause more grief and self-loathing than actual battlefield ability.
Madskillz:
While being appalling at poker, club-armed gibbons can muster a devastating “leap ‘n’ bash” attack whereby the momentum of a gibbonous leap is combined with the downwards force of two enormous clubs with hilarious (and skull-ruining) consequences.
Motto:
Fight to live, live to fight.


VERSUS


Six lions on roller skates with cannons for arses.

Strengths:
Lions are nature’s proudest maulers. When propelled almost frictionlessly across an arena floor by a cannon blast, escape becomes nearly impossible unless you are God or one of his mates. Also, should you manage to sidestep the lionous advance, you would find yourself nastily close to a backwards-facing artillery piece. A sobering thought.
Weaknesses:
Seeing as their feet have been replaced with rollerskates, the lions are somewhat reduced in their original capacity to maul (Although they could still give you a good mashing with their wheels). Also, due to shoddy surgical procedures, the firing of an arse-cannon tends to result in almost irreparable bowel damage. Oh well.
Madskillz:
By rearing onto their rear legs and blasting their cannons, the lions can achieve an effect akin to the famous quake “rocket jump”. Sadly this leaves them without a lower body, but results in the groundward plunge of half a furious, burning lion. Something to watch out for.
Motto:
It hurts. It hurts so much. Kill me please.

Fight two: 2 proud, 2 prejudiced

A thousand rats.

Strengths:
As the red army used to say, “Beyond a certain point, quantity has a quality all of its own”. Which is lucky, because rats are quite shit. However, a thousand of them can still pose a problem to any challenger, especially one made of delicious household waste. The rats weigh in with a higher teeth:mass ratio than any other of the competing teams, and so are a farce to be reckoned with.
Weaknesses:
Like I said, rats are quite shit. Not to mention that the rats are our only “au naturel” contenders, lacking any form of unholy mechanical or biological “improvements”. Cowards.
Madskillz:
They can put on a mighty screech.
Motto:
God is dead.

VERSUS

A rhinoceros wreathed in mystical flames.

Strengths:
Two metric tonnes of horned, burning angry meat, the flaming rhinoceros is (due to the miracles of modern propane appliances) entirely unharmed by the raging flames that billow from its own armoured hide. Grrr.
Weaknesses:
At the end of the day, the rhinoceros is on fire, and will behave accordingly. Thus we can expect blind panic, random acts of fury and almost total loss of sensory awareness on the battlefield. Excellent!
Madskillz:
The exceptional flatulence of yer average rhinoceros comes into its own when the beast in question is actually on fire. Aside from a little anal scorching, flame-guffing is a wonderful way to blind your enemies with gouts of flaming methane.
Motto:
Master your rage, or let rage become your master.

Fight three: Oh God, flying sharks

Three flying tiger sharks.

Strengths:
Once kings of the sea, these slippery buggers have had to adapt to a life in the air. During the early stages of training, we really thought they weren’t going to make it, but it turns out they love being winged battle monsters - or at least that’s what we told Greenpeace. (In fact, Greenpeace still think we’re a soft drinks company, so keep all this under your hat until the whole “animal combat is wrong” fad blows over). Anyhow, as these fellows are essentially several rows of razor-sharp pointed teeth propelled by doom-heavy albatross wings, a divebomb attack is virtually always fatal or incapacitating to most opponents.
Weaknesses:
If water is present at the battlefield site, the sharks will often for some reason collapse into catatonic wrecks at the shoreline and weep for the stolen ocean that can no longer support or nourish them. Don’t know why. Bloody mentalists.
Madskillz:
Since sharkskin is basically enhanced sandpaper, it can deliver some nasty scratches during a sideswipe. However, as we’ve replaced the skin of these sharks with a water-retaining coat of iron spines, it should do even more damage.
Motto:
Inevitably gentelemen, we will prevail.

VERSUS

20 cheetahs who can launch their heads at you.

Strengths:
These insanely enthusiastic competitors enjoy nothing more than a swift drinking binge before, after and indeed during training. We started off with 80 of them, but numbers have swiftly declined after bouts of drink-fuelled machismo led to impromptu head-launching competitions. Sadly, we have not yet found a way to reattach the severed heads of the cheetahs, so they remain - essentially - a one trick horse.
Weaknesses:
Once the heads are gone, the heads are gone.
Madskillz:
Thanks to recent advances in microtechnology and the essentially drink-addled nature of the cheetahs’ brains, we have perfected a set of chips which, when wired into the upper spinal column, will replicate the actions of a launched head with fair accuracy until the body bleeds to death through the neck. This results in comedy flailing, headless charges at confused enemies by mortally wounded bodies, and is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. Fun for all the family.
Motto:
‘Ave it! Get in there! Haway the lads!

Fight four: a noble death

A giant squid in platemail armour and a melee weapon in each tentacle.

Strengths:
This intensely religious and composed gentleman is still - underneath the philosophy and the charity work at weekends - a fuckoff squid with armour and bashing-sticks. Armed with Katana, broadsword, axe, mace, morningstar, nunchucks, spanner, lead pipe, sledgehammer and quarterstaff, this cephalopod is prepared for any combat or faith-crisis related situation.
Weaknesses:
The squid may at times exhibit such bizarre and depraved qualities as mercy, forgiveness and even peacefulness. That is of course why we keep him as high as a kite on a horrendous cocktail of amphetamines and hallucinogens, but the danger is still there.
Madskillz:
The squid can shoot gouts of ink from a nozzle in his platemail, which comes in very handy when being swarmed by multiple enemies.
Motto:
Allah Akbar.

VERSUS

4 gorillas with space helmets manning a gatling gun.

Strengths:
Originally engineered as prototypes for a new source of cheap recruits for the Soviet army back in 1967, we bought this gang of chumps from the Russian mafia last year. Thanks to their training and ideology, they are stalwart to the death on the battlefield, and will man their gatling gun until they can’t fire it anymore.
Weaknesses:
They don’t do much else. Also, the space helmets look silly.
Madskillz:
One of the team can juggle eggs. One to watch out for.
Motto:
For our glorious soviet union.

Fight five: Mungle in the Jungle

2 elephants on tank tracks.

Strengths:
Massive, unstoppable. Bereft of legs. Since elephants can’t jump anyway, this bunch are fairly pleased with their new wheels, and use them to great effect on the battlefield. It is simply quite impossible to stand in the way of the bastard son of an African elephant and a centurion tank.
Weaknesses:
They’re hardly swift, and are basically moving targets until they reach their opponent in close combat. Also, they are very sensitive to jokes about their tracks.
Madskillz:
By furrowing the ground with their tusks as they trundle forward and soaking the earth with the nutritious blood of their foes, these elephants provide the means for a sustainable agricultural community to be built on the site of the zoofights arena after the tournament. Or at least that’s what we’ll tell greenpeace when they rumble this show.
Motto:
Sleep is for the weak.

VERSUS

Nine gazelles with huge club-wielding arms sewn onto their backs.

Strengths:
Some things were just not meant to be. Like orange flavoured milk. However, these beasts are perfectly wholesome and natural. Being close friends with the gibbons outside of working hours, these Serengeti bruisers employ similar leap ‘n’ bash attacks to their pri-mates. They also have the advantage of a set of horns which can be used to devastating effect (especially since we replaced them with swords).
Weaknesses:
Since the arms are also only attached to the gazelles on a superficial level anyway, they rely almost entirely on momentum and blind luck to deliver any damage. Often an arm will fall off in mid battle, or lop over to one side and cause the gazelle to topple, where the weight of the unresponsive limb causes it to be unable to get up again.
Madskillz:
Several members of the team have developed the ability to somersault using the club-arm as a pivot, meaning the deposition of a set of thrashing hooves to the face of an opponent.
Motto:
Hnnnnghhh.

Fight Six: Wetland War

3 laser-eyed hippos.

Strengths:
Lasers instead of eyes. Nuff said. Red lasers. Lasers that silently and effortlessly slice through flesh as if it was air, cleaving apart enemies in a mist of vaporised blood.
Weaknesses:
Lasers instead of eyes. Nuff said. They can’t bloody see anything, and they’re too busy shouting to notice any of their other senses. Bloody incompetents. I’m considering planting them in London zoo and calling Greenpeace. That’d put the heat off us for a while.
Madskillz:
How mad do you want your skillz? They’ve got fucking laser eyes.
Motto:
Up in this, motherfucker.

VERSUS

10 swans with the arms of gorillas.

Strengths:
Common folklore claims that a swan can break your arm. People laugh, and dismiss this as nonsense. However, a dark and terrible truth is being concealed from them. Due to the appalling levels of swan-related arm injuries in the late 20th century, Royal swan-protectors and greenpeace operatives conspired to hide the violent side of the swan from the public, passing the arm-breaking rumour off as harmless folklore. Only a single team of TV producers were daring enough to reveal the truth, and created these beasts to serve in a public information broadcast in 2005. The footage showed the swans marauding arrogantly down a busy highstreet, sneering and snapping the arms of children like matchsticks with their enormous arms. Greenpeace needless to say burnt all the footage before it could be revealed to the world, but the swans survived. And now we have them. So yes, ladies and gentlemen, swans can break your arm.
Weaknesses:
Apart from the arms, they’re swans. And swans are quite terrible.
Madskillz:
Word on the street is they can break legs too.
Motto:
Get a load of this!

Fight seven: The Horror, The Horror

5 wheeled dolphins with maces for tails.

Strengths:
After four weeks of sporadic battles with the greenpeace armada, our small flotilla of surgery battleships anchored a mile west of the Philippines and hauled these bastards out of the sea. In a race against the clock, our blacksmiths and surgeons worked non-stop to make the dolphins what they are today, and now we are proud to say that all thoughts of playing and rescuing injured swimmers are driven from their squeaky grey heads. Now their directives are simple: Trundle, Murder, Trundle, check that you are alive, Murder.
Weaknesses:
Out of water, they seem to occasionally dry out or collapse, but we believe we can solve this by having a SWAT team on hand with super soakers at all times.
Madskillz:
Their skid ‘n’ whack attack is definitely one to watch out for.
Motto:
Zoofights is law. You are crime.

VERSUS

7 enhanced pigs with pistols, riding in a tank made entirely from bacon.

Strengths:
They have pistols, and a tank! What could possibly go wrong?
Weaknesses:
Within seconds of any battle commencing, the pigs begin convulsing and screaming with an all-consuming rage and self-loathing, as they realise they are riding in a vehicle constructed entirely from their dead and butchered brethren. Inevitably, they turn their pistols on themselves.
Madskillz:
Does suicide count as a madskill? If so, then these guys kick ass.
Motto:
I live in a nightmare world.

Fight Eight: Your overconfidence is your weakness, your highness

200 radioactive tarantulas with jetpacks.

Strengths:
They can fly, they can bite, they’re the world’s largest spiders! Especially since we gave them anabolic steroids. And now they’re radioactive too. Thus, if the fangs and the exhaust flames don’t get you, the gamma rays will.
Weaknesses:
If they bite you, you turn into spiderman after a few days.
Madskillz:
Due to the vast quantities of weapons-grade plutonium lacing their innards, if enough of these fellas congregate densely enough, they reach critical mass and onliterate the entire arena complex in a nuclear fireball. Always keeps us on our toes.
Motto:
No comment.

VERSUS

3 frogs grown to the size and shape of Sylvester Stallone. With fire breath.


Strengths:
Confused and frightened by a world that hates and fears them, these frogs nevertheless pack quite a punch when goaded into the field of battle.
Weaknesses:
They often set themselves on fire.
Madskillz:
Their team hug, although sickeningly emotional, provides a comedy target for rampaging enemies.
Motto:
Why am I so huge?